So upset that drinking actually keeps the really bad bipolar symptoms away

I have a thread already going on Bipolar and Alcohol, but I think this needs special attention.

I had been suffering A LOT before the New Year, just crazy mood swings, irrational behavior, REAL ANGER issues towards loved ones, and a boatload of horrible days.....all during a long streak of sobriety.

Until the New Year.....

I had cheated over Christmas with my sister into the New Year by having some beers and some shots of whiskey. Needless to say I got the taste for my favorite whiskey and decided to treat myself to a bottle after New Year's.

Here's my problem: The ENTIRE month of January, I was floating on air, just thankful, happy, calm and more stable than I can ever rememeber. It's not because I was throwing back whiskey like water either and getting completely wasted every night, far from it. I took shots here and there, sips here and there throughout the month, just to feel a little buzz and subdue me a little. It's now a week into February and a little over half the bottle is still left, because I just don't want a drink.

That's the thing, I DON'T want a drink. I haven't had a drop for almost two weeks, and suddenly out of nowhere, these horrible emotions are resurfacing, bringing me to tears, when everything is right in the univeerse and I am the luckiest girl in the world, but I am in Hell.....yet again, when things have been going so well. Also, I want to add that I had been sober an entire year, (all of 2015) and I ended up straight in the hospital, crazier and manic as ever, even WITH being compliant with my medication.

My dilemma? Drink in moderation? Is that the key? I DON'T WANT IT, but damn, it calms me the hell down. This is such a hard struggle for me, because I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what to do. I have no explantaion why alcohol has this way of keeping away crazy mania and horrible mood swings, but I don't want to justify it, becasue I know alcoholism has been a major problem for me my whole life.

I am at such a loss, I can't even tell you. Confusion doesn't even begin to cover it.

Update on this post: I realize this may have something to do with the fact that I made a mistake and took my medication twice the other night. I also realize that I am spiraling out of control a bit, and my body, mind, and soul may have a hard time keeping up. Adding alcohol to this mess is the last thing I really want to do.

I think I would talk to my pdoc and tell them exactly what is going on. A change in meds could probably have the same calming effects without the fear of slipping back into heavy drinking. Even moderate drinking in combination with meds can be problematic.

This^^.

When I am not calmed enough by meds, I want to drink because I feel better drinking. Once I'd told my pdoc, he'd helped me to adjust meds so I no longer felt I'd needed that type of relief. I hope you and your pdoc can find an alternative answer for you!


WC

I struggle too.
I agree with the others that you need a medication tweek.
your pdoc should be able to help you.
I wanted to say how hard it is.
Congratulations on your sober 2015!!!
bizi

Great advice! I was thinking about this, because I do have a re-evaluation coming up with my pdoc soon. I am really on the fence about this because since being on Seroquel, I have been cut off from a lot of my feelings and core emotions that make me feel so alive. An increase may damage me more, so I am very hesistant about it. But there is no harm in talking to him about it, he is very understanding and always listens, so I am sure we can come up with something.

Thank you! As i worded above, I have my reserves about medication changes, but I will see what happens when I talk to him about it. I am so glad you understand what the need I feel is like to have a drink to feel better, I really thought I was alone in thinking that.

It really is hard bizi! I know you posted on my other alcohol thread, so I know how hard it is for you, and for both of us for that matter. But, as much as I want to pat myself on the back for being sober in 2015, I wound up straight back in the hospital, so I don't know how much I want to celebrate about that. But hang in there bizi, I know how hard you struggle, I am rooting for you!!

I'm sending hugs. This is a struggle for me. I don't post about it much. Every time I end up ip is after a drunk. It does not have a good affect on me but I keep on doing it. I've had recent med changes since my last ip at the end of Sept and I do believe it's been a good thing bit the drinking is an issue that I need to address. Keep posting!!

Awww thanks for posting about it on this thread then! I totally know what you mean about the struggle. Alcoholism has been such a battle for me over the years, I can't even begin to tell you how hard it has been. So trust me when I tell you I understand what you're going through. I am glad the medicaiton change has been a good thing for you, but the drinking thing will take time to deal with. It's funny, I have a bottle of whiskey sitting right by me tonight, its Friday night, and usually the "old me" would say "hey let's party!! down the hatch!" But I don't even feel like having one. It really is an odd feeling. But in the back of my mind, I know that drinking, even a little bit, had proved beneficial to me, for some ridiculous, crazy, maybe even cosmic reason.

But good luck to you though! I encourage you to post more too!