[franz kafka]

*tw* for SI

I am so depressed. I can't sleep. I can't be awake. When I'm out I want to go home. When I'm home I feel tortured with boredom. I've tried reading or watching Netflix and nothing helps. I just want to go home back to the states. I give up. You win, SZA.

I'm afraid to attempt anything in case I end up at an Egyptian hospital. So scary! Hospitals are scary enough at home let alone in a foreign country. Plus it'd be annoying for my family to have to figure out how to bring my remains to the US. So that's stopping me too.

None of this matters anymore. I'm stuck in this hell of a life. No one deserves to feel the way I do right now. Nobody.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are suffering.

This is a temporary "funk." It's not the end of anything and SZA has not won.
This is your currently depressed mood lying to you! Don't believe it!

Have you been in touch with your pdoc?
How is your daily schedule going? Can you keep up with it?

Please don't buy into the lies depression tells us.

You are an amazing person with phenomenal potential despite SZA. You have proven this over and over.

Please stay safe.
This will pass.

WC

Your comment about moving your remains to the U.S. means that you have at least one positive thing to live for and/or that you care about something or someone a lot. Though more than likely, you have many, many positive things to live for. So even though you say "none of this matters anymore," everything does matter! It's that when depression hits, it's hard to see all the positives in life because depression warps our thought processes; it makes us feel like failures etc.. But we shouldn't let it. It's hard as hell to fight it -- I would agree -- but we've got to do our best. If that means going to the hospital, then we should do it. Your family matters, your friends matter, your fiance matters, and most of all, YOU matter.

I know you can fight this. You have to do what you need to do. If that means going back to the States, you should be proud of yourself for getting into a PhD program and giving it your all. Not many people with BP can say they've gotten into a PhD program.

[SorryShaped]

Would going back to the States be possible? Would it help you? Would you be happier there?

[cool09]

Are you taking anything for depression? You are taking lithium and trileptal together? You can take 2 mood stabilizers together? Never heard of that. Does either help? Good luck, I don't want you in an Egyptian hospital, either.

[SorryShaped]

You can take two mood stabilisers and more together. I was on lamictal and tegretol together for over a year. Tegretol speeds up the metabolism of lamictal so I really wasn't on it, I literally was peeing money away.

[Blueberrybook]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is never fun to be depressed, even at home. I couldn't even imagine in a foreign country. How long are you there for? Is it possible to come back to the U.S.?

[franz kafka]

I'm going to hang in there for another two weeks at least. My sister is coming to visit me and I don't want to leave before that happens. If I'm still feeling very depressed I will consider coming home in April.

Thank you all for the support!