[bizi]

I am glad blue that you are going to restart the resulti.
Why do you think you keep messing with your meds?
bizi

[wildflowerchild25]

Sooooo taking too much meds isn’t a good idea when you have to work the next day. I can tell I’m still stoned from Ativan and other people can tell as well. My co teacher asked me if I was ok. I said I was just tired which is true. I came to work, signed in, ate my breakfast with my laptop open acting like I was working, went to go get coffee, and slept in my car for about an hour. At this point I deserve to be fired. But what was I supposed to do? Things are falling apart. I don’t know wtf is happening. Right now I don’t feel anything because of Ativan so I guess that’s good. I see how people could become addicted to this ****. I just want it to be out of my system so I act normal at work.

Pdoc and T Tomorrow. I guess I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

[Nammu]

If it wasn't for the fake spring flowers you'd never know it was spring here! All this snow! We pick up the roses on the 17th, having real flowers should help. Damn ole man winter for not knowing when to leave.

[giddykitty]

^ same here

ugh! oh man! I was really in tears last night and was worrying my husband. Well, more like "what the hell is wrong with you" but he was/is worried too. I explained it's anxiety. We were talking about the list of things that need to get done, plus that therapy/insurance stuff. It's bad. I'm a mess. I break down because I can't handle these thoughts, even though they seem like nothing to him. He just doesn't understand, and most of me hopes he never does have to understand (I don't wish this on my enemy!...well, maybe an enemy...if I actually had enemies. I love people too much. anyway) So I'm all puffy eyed today and sleepy...

Oddly, once i got to sleep though, I slept pretty ok. my normal anyway. But I feel beat up today. And that **** that was giving me anxiety is seriously going to waste away my whole day. At least I snuck in some writing. I really want to nap right now, but I...I just can't. Too stressed. Although I'm wasting time here. Why is that again??? Oh, I'm tired and a little addicted. Usually it's a good thing when I'm here though...well, you know what i mean. (calms me, i guess.)

I probably forgot something, oh well!

Originally Posted by bizi

I am glad blue that you are going to restart the resulti.
Why do you think you keep messing with your meds?
bizi

Laziness is a big chunk of the problem. It's just an inconvenience to do the med stuff everyday. (Bad excuse, I know.) And sometimes I throw up when taking my lamictal anyways, so that puts me off too. The pill is just too big for my throat and I end up gagging, which can then trigger the vomiting. And I have to take two of them. (Half the issue is my allergic esophagitis and my chronic lower esophageal sphincter irritation.) But if lamictal triggers vomiting, I only vomit once and it occurs immediately after swallowing it. I never vomit multiple times in a row. So if I gag one night (or do vomit), that puts me off taking my meds the next day. And what sucks is that I can't crush the lamictal. The pharmacist said I can only cut it in half once, but that's never helped.

I was actually pretty compliant with my pill box before. The pill box forced me to fill everything up in advance so that I didn't have to "inconvenience" myself every night by taking out my meds. It's just that I lost the pill box during my move and never replaced it (also because I'm lazy). However, I accidentally ordered a nice one online based on everyone's suggestions. (yeah, accidentally... the website on my phone said to put in your PayPal info to see shipping charges, and well, it put the order through. lol.) Here it is:

https://www.livesagely.com/blog-welcome-to-sagely/

The pill box is not a perfect solution, though, if the vomiting thing happens. But as far as the pill box itself goes, travel a lot and sometimes I fall asleep before I can take my meds at night. It'd be nice to be able to pluck one of those containers out of the "pill box" and bring it with me to work if I miss a dose. Then there's no excuse.

Originally Posted by Nammu

If it wasn't for the fake spring flowers you'd never know it was spring here! All this snow! We pick up the roses on the 17th, having real flowers should help. Damn ole man winter for not knowing when to leave.

I was woken up at 3am by the plow. Tell me about it!

*SCRAPEEEEEE* ... *BAM* ... *SCRAPEEEEEE* ... *BAM*

I hate when the plow goes *BAM* when it drops the blade on the pavement. Scares the living **** out of me every time.

It's now ice, though. We got wonderful freezing rain to melt the snow so that it forms into a thick sheet of ice, making it impossible to drive on. Not that I'm working or going anywhere today. I'm taking the day off after vomiting my brains out last night.

Tara: are disability benefits an option? Hugs, Jane.

4 weeks + 4 days

We're in the middle of an ice storm here and it's messy and treacherous walking but the sparkling tree branches are so pretty. It was another day up before dawn but i think i'm adjusting at last, at last. It was another relatively easy day in dieting.

Hugs,

Jane.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told him that I'm doing well (he could tell), and that I'm more active and motivated in general. I also told him that I lost 4.4 lbs last week, and am doing well into the middle of this second week. I expect a good result, though maybe not as amazing as 4.4 lbs.

I told him that my new therapist has to leave so I have to find yet another new therapist. He felt bad for me since I told him how much I liked her. I'm going on vacation in May so I'm not going to rush into finding a new one, but I know my psychiatrist will want me to have a new therapist no more than a month after my current one closes up shop. She closes up shop at the end of May.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Tara: are disability benefits an option? Hugs, Jane.

Short term disability is not offered to me as a teacher. I can only take fmla leave which I’ve already exhausted. If I have to take more than nine more days I will be terminated, however they will tell me I have to resign, thereby not allowing me to collect unemployment.

I am not ready to consider ssdi. I think I might be able to do another type of job full time. Just have to find one. I’ve been applying. I’ve applied to six or seven. I imagine it will be difficult to get another job that’s not in education as that’s all I have experience in (except for retail in college and no way am I going back to that hellfire). But I’m hoping someone will give me a chance. Then I’m hoping I won’t **** it up.

I’m also hoping lamictal will help once it gets to a therapeutic level and that being back on birth control will help as well.

Side note: I still feel stoned as hell. I parked my car and went to take the keys out but they were stuck; turns out I didn’t put my car in park. Thank god my car has that feature. My car might’ve rolled into the school 😳😮😬

[Wild Coyote]

Not the best day. More snow/ice. Feeling some cabin fever.

Love to all!

WC

[jmariah001]

Feeling rather irritable today. Been yelling at hubby for no reason. It seems like the sound of people's voices irritate me. I even took my medicine and it didn't seem to do anything to calm me down. Usually it does. The weather doesn't help. It has been cloudy and rainy for the past two days or so. I hate the rain. It is supposed to be spring for god sake but it sure doesn't feel like it out. It has been cold for the most part. I am sick of the cold dark days. I want it to be warm and sunny out. I can't drive when I get like this I might end up hitting someone with the car. I just want this anger to go away. I hate feeling like this. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I hope.

[Tucson]

Well, my day is OK. I am in the process of filing taxes. I tried to electronically file them, but this did not work. So I will have to mail them in. Bummer. At least I was able to pay my taxes with my credit card. Nice.

I am continuing to exersize daily whether I am up to it or not. I usually get four miles of walking in every day. This does noticeably make me feel better, but it has not rid me of my depression. Still I highly recommend exersize to those like myself who struggle with depression.

My daughter and I are getting along better. She was not happy that her mother and I really got into her about needlessly becoming pregnant, and how this will dramatically forever alter her future. No more college plans. No having access to the better paying jobs. No money to afford an apartment with her boyfriend, who is also acting irresponsibly. They have known each other only for several months.

My daughter has a mental age of a sixteen year old when she is actually an adult who is 18 years old. She simply does not understand what is coming up for her in the near future. More than likely her boyfriend will bolt once the baby is born. Oh well. Her mother and I will always be there for her. This is still very distressing to me! I have not been taking care of myself or my place. Not good.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m feeling VERY odd. I think the effects of the drugs I took last night (which ended up being 150mg of trazodone and 1.5mg of Ativan total - I took more at 1am) are wearing off FINALLY but my brain doesn’t know how to react. Like I’m calm but I feel this quiet desperation bubbling underneath the surface. Like any one thing is going to unleash a monster. But also perfectly fine. Fine - neither here nor there. I can’t accurately describe it. It’s unsettling.

Possible trigger:

I want to self harm because I feel like it’s something I SHOULD do, like it’s not an option to make me feel better but a robotic necessity. And yet I am in control. I’m having suicidal images in my mind, I can FEEL certain things happening to my body (details withheld).

I feel like that amount of Ativan at once tripped something up in me. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but I am extremely sensitive to benzos, even just .25mg sedates me and makes me feel stoned. It’s why I so rarely take them unless I feel like I’m going to die from anxiety.

I hope I sleep tonight. I’m kind of worked up (and yet calm???). I will NOT be taking any sleep meds tonight no matter how desperate I become. If I open that pill bottle I’m likely to...well let’s just leave it at that. I bought more melatonin, I hope that suffices.

I have both t and pdoc tomorrow. I will share all of this with t, but I am cautious with pdoc. She is still new to me and I don’t know how far I can push her before she says hospital. My old pdoc I could blatantly say I have detailed plans but I’m safe and she wouldn’t hospitalize me. But the one before that, well, it was practically every damn time I saw her. I don’t know how this one is. I think as long as I say I’m safe she’ll be cool with it. But I’m not sure so I think I’m going to kept the suicidal stuff to myself.

Ugh. I hope I wake up normal.

[lucymae1]

Checking in. I've added two new things to my tool kit to alleviate stress, depression, guilt and anxiety. I get my hair washed at the salon cuz I can't do it sometimes and I put my dog in doggy day care now and then cuz I can't walk or play with him like I use too.

[wildflowerchild25]

Me again. Can’t sleep. Again. Texting NV but I feel like I’m annoying him more than anything. Hard to tell through text message. I really feel like I should let him go just for both our sakes. That way he doesn’t have to deal with me and I don’t have to worry about when he will inevitably leave. I will be devastated if he breaks it off first.

Gonna try to sleep again. Wanna be asleep by 12:30. That leaves me with six hours of sleep.

Can't focus and memory is fragmented ...or unfragmented IDK nothing makes sense. So hard to construct sentences. At least the porn review this morning was fantastic

[downandlonely]

Hi all. I can't sleep either. It's around 3 am here.

[lucymae1]

Checking in. Having lots of anxiety. Starting IOP soon while I wait for ECT treatment next month. Yesterday slept most of the day. Now I'm up a 4:30 am. Will do my best to have some what of a decent day. May go and see the movie "I can only imagine". Try to do some chores. Checking into getting a care giver until my ECT since I can barely function at times. Doing all I can to take care of me.

[Ylba]

Originally Posted by lucymae1

Checking in. Having lots of anxiety. Starting IOP soon while I wait for ECT treatment next month. Yesterday slept most of the day. Now I'm up a 4:30 am. Will do my best to have some what of a decent day. May go and see the movie "I can only imagine". Try to do some chores. Checking into getting a care giver until my ECT since I can barely function at times. Doing all I can to take care of me.

Good luck with the IOP and ECT.
I did an IOP at a local hospital several years ago and it only helped a little but then I did an IOP at Mayo Clinic back in 2015 and it was very helpful. It's a really great experience to be around others who understand what you're going through and to get the help that you need.

How are you feeling about the upcoming ECT?

Can you share how "I Can Only Imagine" is? I'm thinking about seeing it but not sure.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m on the verge of tears. I never actually cry but that’s where I’m at. My wrist is tingling, begging for destruction. I’m still In control, barely. I’m afraid of what my pdoc will say.

I can’t take time off in the next two weeks because of state testing. I am administering the test to the students every day for two weeks, starting Monday. So I can only take time this week. But what’s the point really.

Feeling so lost and hopeless. I just want NV to tell me it’s all going to be ok and hold me but that’s too much to ask of someone I’ve only been seeing for six weeks. And besides, I have a therapist. I don’t want to be too dependent on a man seeing as how the rug could be ripped out from under me at any moment.

I just want to go home and curl up under the covers. Too bad my mom is home. Otherwise I’d come up with some sort of excuse and bail out.

Siiiiigh. Bell is ringing. Off to class I go.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m on the verge of tears. I never actually cry but that’s where I’m at. My wrist is tingling, begging for destruction. I’m still In control, barely. I’m afraid of what my pdoc will say.

I can’t take time off in the next two weeks because of state testing. I am administering the test to the students every day for two weeks, starting Monday. So I can only take time this week. But what’s the point really.

Feeling so lost and hopeless. I just want NV to tell me it’s all going to be ok and hold me but that’s too much to ask of someone I’ve only been seeing for six weeks. And besides, I have a therapist. I don’t want to be too dependent on a man seeing as how the rug could be ripped out from under me at any moment.

I just want to go home and curl up under the covers. Too bad my mom is home. Otherwise I’d come up with some sort of excuse and bail out.

Siiiiigh. Bell is ringing. Off to class I go.

You have beautiful wrist tattoos if I'm remembering right.

If you end up at the point where you have to go to the hospital, remember that jobs can be replaced but lives cannot. Do what you need to do for YOURSELF. Your life and mental wellbeing matter more than proctoring a bunch of state tests. The school will be able to find someone to take your place if they absolutely need to. They always have backup plans. They have to. And if they don't for some reason, then that's on them.

Keeping your life and not cutting yourself are most important. Money and jobs are secondary. I know it would suck so bad to resign and not be able to get unemployment, but again, your life, and even your son, are more important than anything else. Your son needs you to take care of him and he wants you to be happy and healthy. So if not for yourself, stay healthy for him. Good luck.

Bad nausea still, and (TMI) diarrhea.

I am having such a difficult time with this. I obviously caught the stomach bug that was going around at work.

I have a pdoc appt tomorrow after waiting 6 weeks. I can't afford to cancel it and wait another 6+ weeks. That's ridiculous. Yet if I'm vomiting and having diarrhea, what can I do? Of course this bug HAD to have come now, of all times!

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m on the verge of tears. I never actually cry but that’s where I’m at. My wrist is tingling, begging for destruction. I’m still In control, barely. I’m afraid of what my pdoc will say.

I can’t take time off in the next two weeks because of state testing. I am administering the test to the students every day for two weeks, starting Monday. So I can only take time this week. But what’s the point really.

Feeling so lost and hopeless. I just want NV to tell me it’s all going to be ok and hold me but that’s too much to ask of someone I’ve only been seeing for six weeks. And besides, I have a therapist. I don’t want to be too dependent on a man seeing as how the rug could be ripped out from under me at any moment.

I just want to go home and curl up under the covers. Too bad my mom is home. Otherwise I’d come up with some sort of excuse and bail out.

Siiiiigh. Bell is ringing. Off to class I go.

I'm no one to give advice, so I won't. But I'd tell ya that I'd probably have already told my significant other some ultimatum. Or no, I'd probably let it fester a bit more and make it all even worse. I'm...see, I can't give advice, but I guess I can give sympathy for knowing the struggle you must be going through with this relationship. (Obviously there's more to your mood, but I'm focusing on this one tangible thing). Actually, I will just say that I hope things stabilize with the meds weaning off. I want to thank you for sharing though. It's helped caution me (I'm not taking the anti anxiety med, but still) with the sleep aid. It's important to judge just how much it's needed, right? I still would like to test it, but I actually slept better last night, so now I'm thinking I'd better hold off. ?? Not really looking for advice and not meaning to trouble you. My thoughts are just getting put on paper. Hmm Hang in there!

[giddykitty]

Omgsh, yay!! They spell the mood "okay" with the "kay". yay!! That's how I spell it based off of a song. lol (the little things)

So yeah, I'm doing ok(ay) I still have low grade anxiety from the other day (did I mention it here? I'm jumping around a few different check-ins now). Well, I was pretty worked up the other day and now I'm just sorta feeling it in my body still. But I slept pretty great last night. Ohhh omg! I had a tear-jerker of a dream this morning. Well, it was like bittersweet. I got closure, sortof somewhat in this dream. Was still sad, sad that a happy moment had to end...gosh darnit, where's the silver lining again?? I guess it's just this happy memory/picture I can go to when I'm sad about certain things. That it's all alright even when it doesn't feel like it. I don't know. It's still sad, but it's like I was hugged and if I use my brainpower, I can remember that good hug feeling, ya know?? (I apologize if this gets repeated. This is a good blog topic....haha if I get to that today with all of my other writing. ) almost want to take a break though and just stay in this moment.

*hugs*