Been distracted a lot. I'm also nervous about my upcoming neuropsych re-eval. I don't want to do another iq test because I did iq testing twice (wais and wisc). I want to save money on the eval. Like, if cutting out the IQ test saves me $500, then I want to skip it. Plus, IQ tests take foreverrrr for the evaluator to assess and they're a pain in the *** to do.

I just hope I get answers, but June 26th is so far away and my anxiety is going to be bad until then. I'm just so nervous. Like, what are they going to find now? What will they say about me? What does this mean about my future?

I have gone downhill over the past year alone. The psychosis never set in until recently. (Well, I've had voices 3 years ago, but they were so few and far between that I ignored them.)

[pirilin]

Everything is going my way. Like Sinatra.

I woke up an artistic musical romantic today. I just learned Moonlight Sonata (more or less) and now it's off to write more intense songs and then draw and journal in a deeply emotional craving love kinda way. WTF this wasn't me a week ago but I felt the best ****ing rush ever at the keyboard. I feel like I discovered me, and it feels pretty awesome.

[liveforsummer]

Doing pretty good today. It’s beautiful out and I went for a long walk. Did some work for a couple hours and this slow integration back into my job is going pretty good. Only doing couple hours each day from home.

A new health issue just came up, like my 12th this year but hey why not...I guess it’s too much to ask for at least a month with no issues, tho I must say I did get a good test result Tuesday so chalk one up for me lol will try to just go with the flow and enjoy the good days!

[wildflowerchild25]

I had a good day. My interview did turn out to be a group interview which I kind of suspected. I don’t think I’ll be picked. But at least it was more experience. If I don’t get this job I’ll file for unemployment and hopefully get that for a few weeks until I can find SOMETHING. I don’t care what it is at this point as long as it’s not teaching. I’ll even take retail if it comes down to it, not that that’s enough to live on. But it’s something. I could work at my favorites store, target lmao.

I’m almost at two weeks stable! I’m so thankful. I’ll probably be discharged from my IOP next week. That makes me sad because I won’t have anything to do all day and will probably end up sleeping a lot. I don’t know how people do it. I go crazy by myself all day especially without money to do anything. Maybe I could get used to it though. I’d rather work though. I’m just not sure I can handle it.

I’m trying to get up the courage to text my therapist and ask if she will take me back. I’m afraid because of how I acted in our last session (making her call crisis on me) she won’t. But I won’t know until I ask.

Other than all that, doing well! Hope everyone else evens out soon.

[giddykitty]

I'm addicted to FB because of all of the fun pictures and videos, but it's making me sick and depressed. Like I said, it's the pics and easy to see things that are appealing (my vision is going due to too much internet.) I need a place to go though. I'm feeling so alone right now, so I'll try to check in more. I apologize if I write and not read as much. I'm just really like not feeling great. Honestly, I think I'm elevating my mood and sometimes I lose patience as a result. Oddly, I'm getting depressed by all the fitness posts on FB, but I might try to get more physical here now. The desire is there, now I've just gotta schedule in the time.
Take care!

[Tucson]

I walked about 4.5 miles. I took about the average of 17 minutes a mile, which is a bit slower that where I want to be. I then laid down and fell asleep. I need to keep exersizing every day, even if this mean just walking around the townhome complex. I even have a fitness watch that gives me dozens of statistics. Most of this is not needed, but it is fun to review. I guess a new toy for me. My goal is to start running. Given my condition, this probably will not happen until sometime next year. At least this is how I feel about it right now.

My moods has been swinging from a very mild depression to depression that is very significant. It hits me out of nowhere. Then several hours later, I start to feel better, but is not going away. My new pdoc took me off of my AP several weeks ago for no apparent reason. I asked him why, but he really did not give me a good reason. Is he thinking that I do not have BP? He has met me only once for fifteen minutes. He has asked me no questions of any merit. I have been going to that clinic for over fifteen years for BP meds. I do not know what is going on here. He even thought something was wrong finding me on both Fluxetine and Buproprion. I told them they work well together. Tomorrow I am thinking of cancelling my appointment with him and have one with a different pdoc there.

[Nammu]

Back in the ER with mum. She had a chest X-Ray yesterday and tonight around 5 they called and told her to come in as she had fluid in her lungs. She's had bronchitis and pneumonia twice in the last three months. I'm wondering if this time they will hospitalize her?

[Naynay99]

Still here. Doing somewhere in the vicinity of okay-ish at the moment.
Music is my lifeline right now. That and writing. And my cats.
I need to take a bath and then go to bed. I hope tomorrow is ok.
I’m trying to make plans for the weekend so I don’t sleep it away or end up stuck here alone with only my black thoughts for company. Living alone is hard. And also easy, bc I can completely lose it without anyone else noticing for a quite a long while. Ah well.
Have a good nite and weekend.

[Nammu]

Nope, didn't hospitalize her. She has viral bronchitis again, she's 90 and has a hard time fighting off infection.

I've been really sick and dep. One good thing happened on Thursday.. I bought this plant. I wanted something living in my bedroom. My actual room pic..

Really rough night. At least I slept well after my meltdown. I feel gross, but like too gross to get in the shower because then I'll be naked and gross.

This girl at work I know is pretty traumatized. She got in an accident with an 18 wheeled truck the other day. She almost died. They had to pull her out the window because the door was crushed inward and the car was pushed off the side of the road on the highway. Car was totaled. I feel really bad for her.

I'm very thankful that I have never been in a severe accident. I've gotten hit 3 times (2x rear ends, 1x someone who tried to cut me off but smashed the left quarter panel of my car).

I wish I could support her, but my boss was the one who told me about it. I don't want to make her feel like her boss told everyone, when I think it was meant to be kept a secret. So if she wants to tell me, then I will support her, but I don't want to invade her privacy.

I cut someone out of my life today because they wouldn't get me a wedding ring like meggan's.

if you've read some of my other posts, you know how much I need to be a part of things- and in this case, I need a wedding ring like meggan.

and she couldn't ****ing get me one

yeah. I understand. you don't buy wedding rings for people that arn't married (I mean why would you?)

but jesus ****ing christ.

it's part of my mental illness, that I need a wedding ring like meggan for the wedding tomorrow. it's not like I can just say okay, I'll go without.

so now I'm telling this girl if I don't get a wedding ring, she can kiss her job goodbye- I know it seems a little... you know, extreme, but it's how I feel. I need my ****ing wedding ring, okay?. need it

rant over.

everything else just the same.. no sleep or rest, overeating, that kind of thing.

[liveforsummer]

Hmmm yday was going good then late afternoon I started getting paranoid about things and I felt the agitation creeping in. Didn’t say anything, just hid it. Went to bed early was going to try and sleep unmedicated but after 5 minutes I said forget it. Better this morning (just fidgety but I only notice it if I sit down briefly -like now-so keep on moving and have gotten lots done already. Sunny day which helps ....just gonna keep on smiling

Hugs

[Faltering]

I'm very ill. I'm so mentally unwell that I feel physically sick. This morning was rough with the voices. I tried to laugh it off but they actually scare me. Then I had to leave work early due to extreme anger. Every little thing was making me snap. I don't know why they let me work with people at this point. I should probably be IP. I just need to make it to the end of the school year somehow.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Faltering

I'm very ill. I'm so mentally unwell that I feel physically sick. This morning was rough with the voices. I tried to laugh it off but they actually scare me. Then I had to leave work early due to extreme anger. Every little thing was making me snap. I don't know why they let me work with people at this point. I should probably be IP. I just need to make it to the end of the school year somehow.

Are you a teacher? I couldn’t make it to the end of the school year I really tried but it was too much. They had fired me anyway so I just told them I resign now then. I was hospitalized twice this year so I understand why they let me go.

How long do you have? Another month or so? Do you think you can make it or should you just go IP? If you are snapping at students then you could go too far and lose your job totally.

[Lifeischallenging]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's probably best to not get into overt conflicts with your mom if you are trying to hit her, as you have mentioned in your post.

I know I stay distant to people I find provocative.

I'd feel very guilty, too. AND I'd seek immediate help... if I were trying to hit anyone. Please be careful.

I hope your pdoc is helpful to you today.

Take good care of yourself.


WC

Thanks a bunch. I am on my back on my meds and my pdoc even increased my lithium 1200mg. I hope that helps. I did tell my pdoc about the manic episode and even trying to hit her and he was helpful. Hopefully, I can keep that side of me down.

[wildflowerchild25]

I didn’t get the job I interviewed for yesterday. They needed someone with more experience. I’m ok with that but I’m still disappointed l. I feel kinda hopeless, like I’ll never get an admin job because they all want experience. Furthermore I feel like any job would stress me out too much. But I want to at least try another one before trying to get ssdi. Sigh. We will see.

I am having triggering dreams about self harm again. I’ve had three so far. They always make me crave the comfort of self harm. My pdoc In IOP said that it’s probably from stress. He gave me a low dose of minipress to see if it helps. I don’t know if I’m gonna fill it. The dreams are kind of comforting in a way, but harmful because then I think about self harm all day. I only haven’t because NV would be very upset with me.

Sigh. Just not the greatest day. Trying to believe everything works out in the end.

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Are you a teacher? I couldn’t make it to the end of the school year I really tried but it was too much. They had fired me anyway so I just told them I resign now then. I was hospitalized twice this year so I understand why they let me go.

How long do you have? Another month or so? Do you think you can make it or should you just go IP? If you are snapping at students then you could go too far and lose your job totally.

I'm sorry to hear you couldn't make it through the school year. Working in a school setting can be a challenge, especially with bipolar. I wish they would've been more understanding of your needs. Hopefully you can find a new position that's more supportive.

I'm a school psychologist. The last day of school is the 30th, but I have 7 extended days. I'm going to have to make it. My district has already gone above and beyond for me. I was hospitalized earlier in the year and had co-workers cover for me. The intern and a co-worker have been helping with my caseload lately. I can't keep letting everyone down. I have a high degree of self-control, so I try my best to leave situations at work where I feel like I'm about to lose it. I still need to decide if I can handle returning next year.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yesterday: After a major runaround with urgent care and the base hospital, I ended up at the ER at another hospital to get the swelling on my neck looked at. It was starting to spread. It was an infection in the lymph nodes so yet another round of antibiotics. We managed to make it to daughter's boyfriend's 21st birthday party. It was at a Japanese steak house so many cups of sake went around.

I saw my pnurse this morning. Meds stayed the same but she put me back on Lunesta so I can sleep. Don't have to see her for three months so that's good. My daughter forgot that she had a pdoc appt. so had to beg my husband to take her. Can't do that for too much longer.

Mood is pretty good.

ETA: Kids are still looking at apartments and trying to get a job, or a better paying job. They found one apartment they like but won't see the unit until next week, and they can't move in until Aug 17. That's fine as long as it happens.

New thread is here https://forums.psychcentral.com/bipolar/