[Cocosurviving]

9:41 AM

I did not sleep that good last night. It was storming all night. It’s still storming now. I took my daughter to school. Then went and got a money order to pay my rent and water bill. I also stopped by my pharmacy to pick up my new prescription. I stopped by my leasing office and paid the bills. I’m watching Matlock. I like some of the old shows.

[Lifeischallenging]

Hey all,

So I had a little mania last Friday night. I got annoyed with my mom saying my brother-in-law and sister don't live with us, when in reality they do. I ended up getting in a shouting match with her and I even tried hitting her a few times. I've been racked with guilt ever since. I hope someone on here can help me get over the guilt. Things have been good. I'm meeting with my pdoc today and I have another appointment with my primary. Going on vacation in about a week which is good. Don't know what I'm going to do. Probably just go see a movie or something.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was feeling good then thinking about things in group got me down. I just feel so hopeless. Like every single ****ing time I get depressed I end up hospitalized. I’m sick of it. My son doesn’t need a mom who can’t stay home. Although there have been two times since my husband died that I’ve been at rock bottom and didn’t get hospitalized so I guess it’s not completely hopeless. This past time I just didn’t care if I lived or died and I was doing things that could possibly cause my death and didn’t care, hence why my therapist called crisis on me. I don’t know what to do if I get in that situation. If I don’t care about anything how can I pull myself out of it? I won’t because I don’t care.

I also always think I want to be in the hospital and when I get there I don’t. But I think I do so I end up doing things that get me there instead of working to stay out. I’ve gotten conditioned to believe the hospital is my best choice when in reality it’s not. I hate that I’m like this. I really do. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to want to live, all the time, not just when it suits me.

I don’t know how to do that. I want to quit group so I can go see my real therapist, she gets me, she can help me through this if I let her. She tried really hard to keep me out of the hospital, I just pushed her until she had no choice. It was like I was daring her. And she did it. So now I know she has a limit. I feel guilty and don’t want to push her again. I don’t even know if she will take me back. I hope she will.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Lifeischallenging

Hey all,

So I had a little mania last Friday night. I got annoyed with my mom saying my brother-in-law and sister don't live with us, when in reality they do. I ended up getting in a shouting match with her and I even tried hitting her a few times. I've been racked with guilt ever since. I hope someone on here can help me get over the guilt. Things have been good. I'm meeting with my pdoc today and I have another appointment with my primary. Going on vacation in about a week which is good. Don't know what I'm going to do. Probably just go see a movie or something.

It's probably best to not get into overt conflicts with your mom if you are trying to hit her, as you have mentioned in your post.

I know I stay distant to people I find provocative.

I'd feel very guilty, too. AND I'd seek immediate help... if I were trying to hit anyone. Please be careful.

I hope your pdoc is helpful to you today.

Take good care of yourself.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Something has triggered persistent flashbacks to a very traumatic time in my life, some 35-40 years ago! I have no idea what the trigger is. I will see my pdoc tomorrow.

Love to All!

WC

[Unrigged64072835]

I looked up the type of headache I'm having and (not surprisingly) I have had a migraine for the last day and a half. I just hope it goes away tonight. I couldn't sleep and ibuprofen is not helping. I kept thinking I was having sinus headaches and I'm not. When I think of having a migraine it's usually both sides of my head and an upset stomach.

I calibrated my monitor this morning and got through half of a folder of photos to process. Found that my software had reset and I had to redo some things. I had to stop because my neck and shoulders started to hurt again.

Meeting still on for this evening. Boyfriend's mother suggested grilling hot dogs, but there's storms in the forecast. We have a large pan of lasagne just in case. Husband and I went over what we're going to say. It's going to be painful for the kids, but it's what we need to do.

I'm nervous and in pain but I'll be okay.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Something has triggered persistent flashbacks to a very traumatic time in my life, some 35-40 years ago! I have no idea what the trigger is. I will see my pdoc tomorrow.

Love to All!

WC

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I hope you feel better soon and that the pdoc helps. Thinking of you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Just got a call For a job interview for a position I applied for a month ago. It’s still in education but it’s teaching GED students. I feel like MAYBE I won’t have to worry so much about classroom management. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid I will fail at any job. I’m also afraid I can’t think clearly right now and will make a fool of myself at the interview. I wish I could be confident. I’ve got to do a lot of positive self talk before this interview. If the position doesn’t include nights and weekends it could be really good, if I’m afraid it will include nights and weekends because it is a GED program. I don’t have any care for my son nights and weekends. I might be able to pay someone but don’t babysitters get like $20 an hour now? That won’t work at all. It’s also in the city where I’m a little afraid to drive.

In short I am afraid of everything involving this whole thing.

[wildflowerchild25]

Also had to spend a lot of money today on an outfit for me and my son for my niece’s christening. Stuff that I’ll probably never wear again because I am not fancy. I don’t go fancy places at all. But you never know. At least I’ll have an dress that fits if I ever do again.

Edit: I found a pair of shoes and my son’s clothes from a formal event last year so I can return his clothes and my shoes that I bought today. That’s like $80 I’ll get back. Thank goodness!

[FallDuskTrain]

I am doing better. Lithium seems to be working well and my pdoc did not want to add an anti-psychotic to the mix, which is good news. And, he wants me to address depression with therapy. I hope I can stay on Lithium only. It took the intensity and my suicidal thoughts away. I am grateful.

I am pretty upbeat today. I am filled with joy and excitement. We take possession tomorrow of a tiny tent trailer. In a few weeks we will kick off our summer adventures.

Some have been a downer though insinuating all this is proof I am ill. Phooey to them. I have done a self-check and I don't qualify.

I feel at times they just don't want me to be healthy and happy. It is as if they discourage goodness in my life. "Wait, you are enjoying yourself. You must be getting sick."

Started out the day and was going to write how I was still doing well, then I found something out that has me in a serious spiral of grief, rage, anxiety, major insultedness, gah, what all -- a mess of feelings, none good. Not an episode, obviously, but man it really slammed me. I am PISSED OFF. And numb. Alternating.

Trying to continue with my day, but it is simmering under the surface and my eyes keep welling up (both anger and sadness). I have really, really had it this time. No more doormat!

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Also had to spend a lot of money today on an outfit for me and my son for my niece’s christening. Stuff that I’ll probably never wear again because I am not fancy. I don’t go fancy places at all. But you never know. At least I’ll have an dress that fits if I ever do again.

Can I ask, WHO other than yourself is judging you for this (and for your worries about the job interview)?

Practise some gratitude perhaps including acknowledging you are worthwhile and deserve goodness. I have spent far too much time convincing myself I am not. I have begun to challenge the idea. Instead I try to tell myself that it is good to experience 'goodness'. I AM deserving of it. Why should I admonish myself for enjoying it?

[Faltering]

I'm feeling depressed lately, but I think it's situational from work stress. I'm wondering if I'm in over my head with this career choice. It's only my first year and I already feel burnt out. I don't know how to hold down a job without losing my mind at some point. No one seems to understand because I appear so high functioning.

I took a bath! Yay! It was horrible but I made it through. Now waiting for son to jump in the shower. We're gonna go run errands and go out to eat. Should be a nice day.

[Cocosurviving]

Lately I’ve been having problems with anger. My new pdoc does not think meds help. I think she’s a religious nut. She brought up religion and since then I’ve been thinking of asking for another pdoc. I might e-mail my case manager and tell him to call me.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Can I ask, WHO other than yourself is judging you for this (and for your worries about the job interview)?

Practise some gratitude perhaps including acknowledging you are worthwhile and deserve goodness. I have spent far too much time convincing myself I am not. I have begun to challenge the idea. Instead I try to tell myself that it is good to experience 'goodness'. I AM deserving of it. Why should I admonish myself for enjoying it?

It’s just me. I judge myself very harshly. Do you think positive affirmations might help? I don’t see how I can start believing I’m worth it. I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve anything.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I hope you feel better soon and that the pdoc helps. Thinking of you.

Thanks, Jennifer! Thinking of you, too!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Started out the day and was going to write how I was still doing well, then I found something out that has me in a serious spiral of grief, rage, anxiety, major insultedness, gah, what all -- a mess of feelings, none good. Not an episode, obviously, but man it really slammed me. I am PISSED OFF. And numb. Alternating.

Trying to continue with my day, but it is simmering under the surface and my eyes keep welling up (both anger and sadness). I have really, really had it this time. No more doormat!

(((((( Innerzone ))))))

Thinking of you.


WC

Originally Posted by Cocosurviving

Lately I’ve been having problems with anger. My new pdoc does not think meds help. I think she’s a religious nut. She brought up religion and since then I’ve been thinking of asking for another pdoc. I might e-mail my case manager and tell him to call me.

Bringing up religion is definitely not appropriate, regardless of the intent. There's a time and place for religion, but it's not in psychiatry or any other medical profession. I'm pretty sure that goes against the code of ethics, too.

I guess it's ok to say "god bless", but that's as much as I would tolerate.

Sorry you have a weird pdoc. I agree with you on finding a new one.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Bringing up religion is definitely not appropriate, regardless of the intent. There's a time and place for religion, but it's not in psychiatry or any other medical profession. I'm pretty sure that goes against the code of ethics, too.

I guess it's ok to say "god bless", but that's as much as I would tolerate.

Sorry you have a weird pdoc. I agree with you on finding a new one.

It's strange as to how often this becomes an issue here at PC. Pdocs are not supposed to show religious biases, etc.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by rose1985

I took a bath! Yay! It was horrible but I made it through. Now waiting for son to jump in the shower. We're gonna go run errands and go out to eat. Should be a nice day.

(((((( Rose1985 ))))))

I hope you have had a good day!


WC

[Pookyl]

Manic. Not as bad as under medicated manic but definitely manic.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

(((((( Rose1985 ))))))

I hope you have had a good day!


WC

We had a good day. Got rent and ran errands. Ate Chinese. It was nice to get out. It was beautiful here. I have to quit smoking by June 1st. Smoking is no longer allowed on any of my apts property. I'm gonna use the gum. It will be so hard. Ugh!!!! But I also need to do it.

I hope your ptsd symptoms and flashbacks aren't as bad today.

[downandlonely]

Hi everyone. I'm having trouble getting to sleep.