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#1
Apr 06, 2018, 10:50 PM
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It is truly amazing when you look back on your life
and say what if
the could I
or should I
becomes swallowed up by small daily concerns when I was younger I had ambition a desire to do something noteable save man kind cure some disease . when your life is totally consumer with daily dribble work food sleep . when your real reason to be alive is to pay a bill . chief seattle said what will happen when the wildness is gone when the scent of men is everywhere the end of living and the beginning of surviving all my life I have just been surviving the pills deaden the emptiness . the routine dulls the pain the loneliness separated me from love and feeling this is not bragging .. but I am yet to find a T long term that by the third session have not completely lost my faith in her . none have been challenging or understanding I lose respect in them my pdoc is my only anchor five years and as he says no one knows me like he does true .. I know the meds can only do so much but the human spirit can only take so much too I no longer feel human like some atomatome going thru the paces I fear the black beast he is calling me so far very faint just a whisper this time no new meds lets ride the pony till it drops to feel I choke up and cry not even sure what over comes me my Soonkyu is still my last best hope am very tired as I write this please forgive an old man for rambling so .. Tigger .. |
 Anonymous45023, BipolaRNurse, Fuzzybear, Hairball, Unrigged64072835, wildflowerchild25
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#2
Apr 07, 2018, 01:37 AM
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I wrestle with the same giants.
I feel doomed to forever looking backward. Putting my past on Justices scale and regretting how unjust I was. I am shamed by my behavior. Is this survival? I thought that survival would feel better than this. Im with you; I am no longer human. I lost my humanity deliberately. Im an old, rambling, man, too.
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amicus_curiae Contrarian, esq. Hypergraphia Someone must be right; it may as well be me. I used to be smart but now Im just stupid. Donnie Smith |
| Unrigged64072835
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 wiretwister
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#3
Apr 07, 2018, 11:44 AM
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Im not an old man, but Im a moderately old woman. I too look back at all things that I could have, would have, should have done...but didnt. Dealing with a chronic illness for years and then decades can really suck the life out of you. Im fortunate enough to still feel human on good days. On bad days I feel like little more that a big wart on the a@@ of the earth. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.
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 Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day! "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth. Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 - Seroquel 100 Celexa 20 mg Xanax .5 mg prn Modafanil 100 mg 
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| wiretwister
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