[amicus_curiae]

Okay, so I spent 16-years stuck in a depression that I believed to be the result of loosing my wife and my child. At some point, though, it became about not-them but rather about the bizarre concept that I am not personally culpable of encompassing the entire evil — and history of evil — of my species.

I loved that girl. I adored that child of mine. But they had grown up whilst I vowed to stay a child. Not out of any sense of purity but the opposite, filthiness as protest. Not all was filth, of course; some was just a little “revolution for the hell of it.” The Generation Gap.

Don’t trust anyone over 30.

Hey, hey, LBJ!

The past two years have been okay. I credit myself, my therapist, my shrink, my medications. Better than okay — riding a manic high into an almost tolerable existence. A stasis. Better than nothing. No, I don’t spend much time outside of my bedroom. Not since 2014.

I read, write, listen to a lot of music, watch movies and cable-series programming. And I watch the news (always on for background fodder). This is my world, this buzzed mania. I helped to shape my world and other’s (usually detrimentally).

As my physical health declines I find that I am becoming more and more unable to fully care for myself. And my mania is a monster of Frankenstein’s making and it is always there, a certain path walked a certain way.

It is more likely than not that I will die of ‘natural causes.’ I have long passed my expiry date and I’ve plotted my cremation as an indigent where afterward my ashes will be shipped to a random distant relative.

Back to the title of this ramble:

If I’m able to feel better in manic mode, is it okay for me to choose mania instead of trying for stability? I may be destroyed by mania and that’s scary. I don’t want to leave my world, though. It’s the bed that I made.

It’s the bed that I made.

[Shazerac]

Hi there. I hear you. But I pose a question. Just because you made your bed doesn’t really mean you have to sleep in it. You could sleep on the couch or out in yard. You are comfortable now in mania. Maybe you could try experimenting with other states of being.

[*Laurie*]

Greetings a_c, I certainly appreciate your question. I would like to offer an answer. As it is, I have the same question.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Hi there. I hear you. But I pose a question. Just because you made your bed doesn’t really mean you have to sleep in it. You could sleep on the couch or out in yard. You are comfortable now in mania. Maybe you could try experimenting with other states of being.

One of my major disability’s is that I have no legs. Because I can’t physically sleep on a couch or a garden, it’s difficult to make the mental journey. I admit that I feel like I am a prisoner of my bed. I wake up when I have a walking dream and I feel confused about the gears that are propelling me.

Yes. As comfortable as I can feel. I’m able to cruise at this speed. This speed is greater than allowed by the law of psychodynamics, though. I cycle, though. I could construct, could consider, certainly, “other states of being,” but I can’t — I can’t — consider any state that might lead back. I don’t want banalities.

I took LSD over a period of years. We all did at that time. I stopped when I was first prescribed psychotropic drugs. I was a once-a-year-at-Christmas drinker and am iffy about that tradition now. Maybe every third or fourth year. I mention LSD because I think of all of those “other states of being” that I was able to visit when tripping. I never had a disagreeable trip and I’ve thought of trying it again. Then I think better of it — I only ever tripped socially, in the company of friends, and I think that tripping alone would make me feel my loneliness.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Greetings a_c, I certainly appreciate your question. I would like to offer an answer. As it is, I have the same question.

Bless your heart!

[Shazerac]

Well I could see how having no legs would severely limit your mobility. Sorry to hear that. I was speaking of a metophorical rather than an actual bed. I would probably feel like a prisoner too. I’m a little concerned about the LSD though. Having a lonely bad trip would be horrible. Maybe in your situation feeling “high” from mania is helping you. I have no way to truely understanding what you are going through, but I hope you find a pleasant state of being somehow.

[Victoria'smom]

Mania can turn bad fast. There's no trouble enjoying it but keep you treatment team close.

[Pookyl]

Hmm. Every manic episode I have is followed by a crash. The longer and higher the mania the more spectacular the crash.
My cognition is also impacted by mania. My doctors say I act like I’ve got an acquired brain injury following a manic episode and because I’ve had a lot of manic episodes not everything has quite come back.
You are too smart, witty and clever with your words. Don’t risk your brain.

[Moose72]

What Pookyl said.

My brain is like swiss cheese. Between the meds and MOSTLY the kindling effect its a sieve. (The kindling effect is that every time you have an episode you get worse.)

[pirilin]

As long as YOU are happy.