Useless

I am just dumb and useless. I just want to be at peace. I just don’t have the courage to do anything about it. My depression has come back hardcore. My lithium level was high so I had to lower my dose. Work stress is mostly what triggered this. I bothered my T a lot yesterday and saw her today so I think she has heard enough from me. I see my pdoc in a few hours. I talked to him last night so he said he would think of a new approach. We have been through so much the last 3 years. I am not sure what there is left to try. I am just so tired from the insomnia. I just want to give up.

Well I’m glad your doctor is willing to try a new approach. If you depressed and not sleeping well something definately needs to change.

Hang in there and give the new approach time.

Hope your pdoc helps you out. Trying to find the right combo can be tricky sometimes.

He is taking me off of Seroquel and back on vraylar. I have tried almost every med out there so we just rotate through ones I have already tried. We have learned that I can’t take any antidepressants.

I truly hope the Vraylar helps.

I hope the pdoc helps (and that the unwanted thoughts are less of a pain in the butt..)

I go through my "useless" stage on a regular basis, especially when my students (mostly seniors) stare at me with that "duh" look on their faces when I'm trying to teach something. Or perhaps they're asleep, talking to someone and trying desperately to be funny or cool, or maybe they're staring out the window, thinking about sports. You know teens - "this is boring, why can't we just do nothing, can we watch a movie, I'm never going to use this, etc". I always ask if I'm doing anything wrong or if I could be doing something differently. I *try* to get used to it because I should be used to it. I should be used to indifference. I can't change who the Lord has put in my class. I can't change my "customers" or "co-workers", per se.

The fact is - most of our feelings are simply absorbed from our environment and then transformed into something else. So for me, indifference = anger or frustration. But it isn't us, it's them. Being high performing, intense characters that BPs are, we tend to internalize a lot of stuff and look for solutions. Answers. But there aren't any. Life is one day at a time, one action at a time. It all adds up to something - perhaps it sucks, perhaps it's acceptable, perhaps it's great. But who are we to judge? Society always looks for decisive conclusions, and it's tempting to fight. But as people, we are what and who we are. No more, no less.

At least those that know are in control...let them do their job and you try to quit thinking.

Have you seen Merlin’s post in bipolar success stories? I hadn’t heard about Latuda before - an AP for depression.

I'm sorry you feel this way, Crook. I hope the Vraylar helps.

Latuda made me lactate when I last took it.

My T says I need to take responsibility for some mistakes that happened. But the mistakes were not my fault but I guess she sees it as some sort of peace offering. I have been this guys scapegoat for almost two years now I am not going to be blamed for anymore of his mistakes.

Have you tried clozapine? Nothing worked for me for more than a few months of decreased symptoms until I went on it. Now I have had a few moderate episodes but no severe ones, no big mania, no big mixed episodes, no severe depressions, in just over 2 years.

It takes commitment to do blood draws weekly for 6 months, every other week for 6 months and then monthly for the duration of treatment but it's now such a habit that I don't remember not doing it. Some side effects are frustrating but that's true with all meds. Weight gain is supposed to be bad but I've gained only 10 lbs. and have lost that plus another 12 lbs.

I was scared of it but aside from a few side effects I don't even notice I'm taking it, much different than high dose Seroquel which is the only med that did much before.

Pdoc has mentioned it a couple of times but I am scared of it. Plus I don’t have time for all the blood tests and trips to the pharmacy.