[Manic Trance]

Hi

I'v not been on for a while. But here I am.

Things are bad. I am clean and healthy now, eating clean, not drinking, exercising (not getting sleep or meditation), but otherwise ok.

However currently I am depressed and irritable a lot of the time. Having a hard time with intense racing thoughts, pressured speech.

This past 6 months I was on the road a lot, I am a musician. I was drinking and smoking a TON, not sleeping, in constant flux, all so bad for bipolar. One thing that happens when I really slip into bipolar hell, is a kind of sexual mania, I am so ashamed of this, but I get into porn, cybersex, phone sex etc. The next day I feel like a different person, and cannot even imagine how I even wanted that. But it keeps happening if I am drinking especially.

Apparently I called a line but card didn't cover it and a piece of mail came to my house about it and my wife figured out what it was and now she is destroyed. We were already totally on the rocks, in therapy, considering separation. I can't imagine she won't leave me, which means I won't get to raise my daughter if that happens, and I'd miss her terribly. I am beside myself and I don't know what to do. I feel like such a fool, I hate myself totally right now. I mean, am I a sociopath? How could I do this to her? I knew this would hurt her and I just did it, what is the matter with me???!!!

Please, any advice or just sharing any relevant stories would be very helpful right now.

I am a husk, not feeling suicidal, but getting there.
Please help
MT

[Victoria'smom]

My husband was "talking" to one of his friends like that. I stumbled on it and was crushed. I made him pick stop talking to her or I'd leave. He picked me that was 4-5 years ago and she text me 10 days or so asking if she can start over (She was both our friends for 10+ years). I talked to him (The way they act is I over reacted). Well her text sent me into a tailspin of uncertainty and I realized how fragile our relationship is. Maybe I was being a insensitive *****?

I really think you need stop anything that your wife would see as cheating. You may have to leave her with your credit cards? So you can't call those type lines, block porn sites. Maybe created a white list on your computer on sites you can go to.

It's best to be honest. Your going to be on the road again and you need to create a wellness plan to handle yourself. Maybe internet therapy while you're away? Maybe you can call your wife to "talk" to her like that? Have you done this before to her?

You can't do anything other then apologies and put preventative measures in place. It sounds like you're in a mixed episode. When do you see your Therapist and pdoc? You may want to call you couples therapist and see if you can get in sooner.

[Manic Trance]

All true, thanks for your note.
I am sorry for what you went through with your husband. It's an awful thing to do to someone and I feel horrible about it.

I'll probably be updating this thread
Anyhow, thank you

[*Laurie*]

My question is the same as MM's ^^^ above. Are you in treatment for your bipolar disorder? If so, how's it going? If not, why not?