[SorryShaped]

I see my therapist this afternoon. It's going to be the last time I try unless something changes drastically. I'm angry!
I'm mad at him for missing my urgency of symptoms last time. I'm mad at me for caring about my friends and talking to them about the crap tearing them apart and having it thrown into being my problem this morning. I'm mad at myself for continuing to sleep with my ex even though I know I'm only going to get hurt. I'm just now in from a serious hour of physical activity that I hoped would be strong enough to stop my heart. It only heightened how I feel and I realized "holy f----! I'm riding into traffic! If someone comes up this one way they will hit me. It's narrow!"
So I'm home now. My car isn't currently drivable because of mechanical problems. I'm getting a ride to my therapist later, this also means that I won't have to worry about parking if I go to the hospital again. I almost hope I go but I almost hope I get away with it. I almost hope.
But more than almost, I'm hopeless.

[Victoria'smom]

I know you're mad but I think you should wait until later to make a decision on leaving your therapist. You need all the support you can get right now, even if it is mediocre. It sounds like you're going into a mixed episode.

[SorryShaped]

I'm in one. I was up then started to crash so I went in hospital, they changed my meds which sent me right back up with keeping the depressive side too.

[eye2797]

I hope you can get what need out of this appt. Anger is such a tough place to be in. Make a list if that will help to tell what needs to be said.

[SorryShaped]

I'll do that

Sorry you have to deal with this crap. Been there. It's definitely no fun.

I think you should have a serious talk with your therapist about his unwillingness/inability to recognize symptoms. Don't be afraid to let it all out. Not everyone is perfect, and sometimes people are lazy or just aren't paying enough attention. I know you shouldn't have to tell your therapist how to do their job, but I think there's the possibility you can work things out with your therapist in the interim.

Obviously long term, I think you should find a new therapist, but like Miguel'smom said, try not to ditch your therapist right away if he's part of your support system. If you have to, "interview" other therapists while you see your current one so that you're always under someone's care. There's nothing wrong with seeing two therapists at once if you can afford it.

[SorryShaped]

If this doesn't get better today, I'm going stop therapy altogether. I don't need this continual decline when people that should have helped didn't. I'm out of patience

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

If this doesn't get better today, I'm going stop therapy altogether. I don't need this continual decline when people that should have helped didn't. I'm out of patience

Can you get a different therapist?

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

If this doesn't get better today, I'm going stop therapy altogether. I don't need this continual decline when people that should have helped didn't. I'm out of patience

This sounds very much like my BF (who is not in therapy) and he suffers all the more for it. I hope you reconsider.

[SorryShaped]

I could get another therapist, but why try? This is my tenth therapist that I've seen with regularity since I was a child and the first one I fully trusted. I'm of the opinion currently that this might not be the path for me.

[Wild Coyote]

I hope things settle down soon.


WC

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I could get another therapist, but why try? This is my tenth therapist that I've seen with regularity since I was a child and the first one I fully trusted. I'm of the opinion currently that this might not be the path for me.

You trust this one. You are allowed to be angry he let you down, but it's a relationship worth rebuilding in my opinion if the trust is there.

[SorryShaped]

I told him I thought this was probably our last session because therapy wasn't truly working but scheduled again anyway. I told him how angry I was at everyone, even him, and especially me. I told him I'm mixed mood but mostly manic. I told him the meds aren't working but are making me worse. He did try twice, offering to get me admitted. I told him I wouldn't be any safer there, because I'm the problem everywhere.

[eye2797]

you are not a problem everywhere. Do something today that will get the motors burning. I went to the gym last night.
hang in there

Originally Posted by eye2797

you are not a problem everywhere. Do something today that will get the motors burning. I went to the gym last night.
hang in there

I agree

I also like to go for walks outside because of the fresh air, and I listen to music while I'm doing that.

Walks are one of those things where you don't always realize how great they are until you actually do them. Underrated. Plus, they keep me out of trouble if I'm impulsive. I'm just focusing on music and taking in the environment, the fresh air.

[SorryShaped]

I went to gym last night for yoga then worked out. I'll go to the gym twice today. I'll be on this thing soon, heading to gym

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I went to gym last night for yoga then worked out. I'll go to the gym twice today. I'll be on this thing soon, heading to gym

That's the solution. I've read your previous posts (not stalking) and you are most definitely a champion to get to the gym and I can relate so much with fitness to (really underrated) not fight depression, but to balance it out with Joy and satisfaction by exercising to have a clear mind.

Edit- Congrats btw

[SorryShaped]

It's a full-on addiction with me. I quit smoking easier than I could ever hope to quit working out.

[yellow_fleurs]

Mountain biking? Sounds like a good idea. I have been meaning to get back into that myself. I find that intense exercise helps me in a mixed episode while I am doing it. Doesn't always last afterwards, but at least a good way to stay out of trouble for part of the day. Hope this doesn't last long for you and that you can get some better help from your therapist/pdoc.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I went to gym last night for yoga then worked out. I'll go to the gym twice today. I'll be on this thing soon, heading to gym

I bikes

Well, I left mine at my parents' house and never brought it to my apartment since I need to make space for it.

I spent like $400 on it too. ****ing sucks, man

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Mountain biking? Sounds like a good idea. I have been meaning to get back into that myself. I find that intense exercise helps me in a mixed episode while I am doing it. Doesn't always last afterwards, but at least a good way to stay out of trouble for part of the day. Hope this doesn't last long for you and that you can get some better help from your therapist/pdoc.

Traffic biking. I ride with the cars

[SorryShaped]

So I'm kind of in an unsaid relationship with my ex at this point. If it becomes said, I'll guarantee it's over. I don't want commitment. I met someone yesterday but she lives really far away and I'm not doing the distance thing.
I'm dealing with outright rage this morning, but it's unexplained. I don't feel anger about anything. This could be manic energy. Dunno.

In my opinion (yeah know haha) you seem to be hurt..

I don't know exactly what it is, but you started to become extremely positive, then today I'm reading your update and it seems like...(how do I put this without sounding bitter?)..you didn't get the support you needed to ride the wave. Hypothetically speaking, I've said to much.

PS: I don't function well when others disapprove of MY life choices.

Stay safe

[SorryShaped]

I disapprove of my own life choices far too often as I'm making them. I broke things off with the girl from May because I'm not good for her. I set her free.
I'm honestly contemplating sh today or worse after having told the girl from May that I'm no good.
I meditated for a few minutes and only managed to get worse

Have you been sleeping well enough lately?

The reason I said that was because that's how I feel when I'm exhausted.

I also get moody but really loopy if I don't get at least 5 hours sleep a day/night..

Could your hypo be related to an increased energy level and in that case has brought you to a "solve everything at once" mood/thought process.

I would back track the most recent notes, posts, etc to look out why you're feeling like this.

I personally don't know what you've been up-to because I went MIA.

However, I do remember you saying something about watching girls at the gym? Or a ballerina class that you watched and it soothed you. (Sorry if I'm off track, but I'm adjusting to not abusing meds etc) BUT if you found serenity in seeing chicks being chicks. Maybe you'll find an answer that only you really know how to solve and smile again.

Luv ya bro