Chronos and I.

I'm not very fond of this topic, but I need to let it out.

When I visited my previous shrink, I always filled out a questionaire.
It would save him time, and he compared it to the ones of previous visits.

These particular questions read:
a) Do you feel older than your age?.
b) Are you afraid of looking at yourself in the mirrow?.
c) Do you feel at peace growing older?. Etc. I always ranked them a 5.

I never pay attention to them. I was feeling strong with just a few character wrinkles and salt and pepper hair. Sexy.
BTW, my new shrink doesn't even bother with a questionaire.
Just pushes pills reading the eyes. Apparently, she has a master degree in Iridiology.

I went to Miami this last weekend. I lived there for forty five years.
Full of hopes and dreams of reliving the good memories of a not too distant past.

This was the first time I could roam free in three years. The other trips were always with errands attached. The escapedes were lived in short bursts.

My wife was very accomodating. Even paid for a hotel room. So I "could sleep in a decent place". She said.

She new it was my time to get slapped hard in the face. Witch.

I watched my friends from yesterday look like cadavers.
Two of my previous girlfriends, way younger than I, saddling 30 or 40 lbs a piece.

Worst part is that I don't have any connections anymore.
My bartenders have moved to other places. No more free drinks.
My bouncers don't work there anymore. Paying the admission.
My girls look like the wicked witch of the west. The few remaining.

How must I look???.
Nobody wanted to lie, not even for pity, and tell me I look at least the same.

Take advantage of your youth. It will escape thru your fingers in no time.

Youth. Divine Treasure. Said the famous poet. He was so right.

I feel both older & younger than I actually am. I hate looking at myself in the mirror! I don't look anything like what at least some parts of my brain try to tell me I am. And I don't appreciate the parts that do align.

I'm perhaps a somewhat better person now than I was when I was young (perhaps not that much; but anything's got to be an improvement.) So that's a good thing. I'll never go back anywhere I used to live. And I don't ever want anyone I ever knew in the past to find me. I just hope to fade away, sooner rather than later, like the Cheshire cat until there's nothing left but my grimace...

Look, I'll tell you want my thoughts are. I find constant focus on youth and weight offensive and foolish. Youth is not always a great thing and weight gain can be caused by many, many reasons...not always age or overeating. I believe that the less of a rich inner life we have, the more we focus on youth, imagining a time when it was easier to pretend.

I think the age people look also has to do with how people present. One could be 30 lbs more than when they were 30 years younger and look only 10 years older. Of course not seeing someone for a while makes such changes look more drastic than if you see them regularly without long absences.

I remember feeling much older the year I was severely depressed non-stop (at 38), but when my mood lifted, I felt a good 15 years younger. I had lost a little weight, but other self-care and brightened countenance were the main sources of youthfulness. Even a better haircut really helped. I think such changes can happen at any age.

My best age was 39. I fast walked 5 miles in 55 mins every day. Rain or shine. Yes, 11 minutes a mile. Walking. I ran around joggers.
My BMA was 7. Waist 30. Chest 42. Arm 15. Weight 146 with 5' 10".
A lean, mean, motherflowering machine.

I was attending Bally's at the time. Nobody dared to get in the track with me. Not even the over 6'.

I busted a knee. Needed an arthroscopic. Said no. Risked arthritis.
Which I don't have to this day. But no cartilage either.

That was the day the music died.
I still eat like a horse. I don't believe in diets.
But can't get back to optimal weight. Which will be 170. I'm at 185 now. Sustained.

If I could cry, I would.

Cheers.