[HappyArizona]

After a month of hell from my boyfriend, long distance-see each other 2 months-I broke it off. Then I realized and had confirmed from his ex wife that he is bi-polar. I didn't get details. I do not believe he has been on meds since I have been with him. Stress at work triggered a major cycle. I have worked with bipolar and know a bit the disorder. I love this man very much and am now only upset he hadn't told me about when he seen where we were going. In a more lucid moment he asked me not hurry on breaking up, that he would be normal again sometime. Said it is just best to leave him alone right now. And that he thinks of me all the time. I want to be there for him, but I think I trigger things right now. (I'm in contact with his ex. She seems to be his safe zone and he calls her). I messaged him a hug, said I thought he could use one. Three days later he read it saying he did and was sending me one too. I'm confused, down, anxious, and worried about him.

Sorry this happened.

Sometimes people are closeted about their mental illness diagnoses, not just a bipolar diagnosis. They're afraid of being judged in a negative light.

Perhaps his ex-wife broke up with him because she found out about the bipolar diagnosis and couldn't mentally handle it. I'm not saying that's the case, but it could explain why he never told you about the diagnosis. That, or maybe he was judged by other people and doesn't want to be hurt again. There are a lot of possibilities about why he didn't tell you, basically. So the problem is not necessarily YOU, but other people instead.

You can definitely stay in contact with him like you're doing right now, but that's up to you. But remember, not every behavior is due to bipolar and not every behavior is an excuse. For example, cheating? Not acceptable. (I'm not saying he's a cheater, but that's just one example of something that is inexcusable.) It can be hard to differentiate between bipolar behaviors and personality behaviors, but it can be done.

Whatever you do, please don't tell him that you've discovered his diagnosis. He will tell you when he's ready. Otherwise, it feels like you're talking behind his back and it can hurt him. (I know it would hurt me.)

If you can't handle the bipolar, that's okay. Not everyone is cut out to be a "caregiver," or so to speak. It can be hard on both people and may create tension that you can't handle.

You can always offer your support (like you've been doing) and tell him that he is free to be open with you. Assure him that you won't be judgmental and say you're always there for him.

[HappyArizona]

Thank You!-- I sent him an emoji blowing him a kiss, he came back right away with Snoopy doing a happy dance, made me feel better, then I messaged that we can get through this. I'm not mad that he didn't tell me, I perfectly understand why he didn't. And maybe his feelings for me helped trigger this episode on top of the heavy load at work. He knew this would happen eventually, he made a couple comments in the past as to how I should not care for him too much, then would say he was just being goofy. Right now I need support in getting through this since he wants minimal to no contact with me until it's over. My friends are very cautious about supporting me in wanting to stay with him. When he gets back on track, I will need help-I'm sure-with understanding how/why he feels about medications and other treatments. He is still working, he works alone at his job, I'm sure that helps. I know nothing of the newer meds, I do understand why a person would not want to take the older ones though. And I respect him for not wanting close contact right now, he said some awful hurtful and bizarre things to me! Now those things mean nothing, I know they weren't meant. Thank you again!!