[Blueberrybook]

My mom has not been in my good graces sent she texted me several texts full of blame and things being all my fault, etc. while I was in the psych ER. And she emailed my husband and offered to take my daughter and raise her with my dad.

Then, she emails an apology, first explaining what all she does for my dad's business (he has his own home-based business). He used to fix things for individuals (TVs, cars, tractors), you name it, he can usually fix it. Now, his clients are bigger though, rice dryers, cotton gins, a cabinet manufacturing company. So then my mom goes on about how she's ordering and picking up parts all the time and all the stuff she does for my grandmother. This, as an excuse as to why she didn't want to stay with us until the CPS said it was OK for me to be alone with my daughter. Though if you consider it, doesn't that make a good case for her not to raise my daughter if she's that busy?

But, OK, whatever. Then she types "I just feel so sorry for Tessa (my daughter) because she has to live through so much at her young age." This implying that I'm causing mental damage to my daughter, and yes, I do think my mental illness is not an ideal family situation for any child, but does my mom think growing up in her house was a cakewalk? My dad was/is loud, angry, selfish, spanked beyond appropriate age. I hid in cornfields in the middle of summer so he wouldn't find me. If you've ever been in a green cornfield, you will realize right away walking through them is uncomfortable due to corn plants having a bit of a fuzz on the leaves, and Texas in the summer outside is just not pleasant. I could write a book on all the stuff my dad did, yelling at me for reading fiction books and not old electronic schematics, physics or calculus books. Crazy stuff like that.

There is NO way we'd have my parents raise my daughter. I told that to my youngest sister too, but we need to make it legal. I told her if ever something happened to my husband and me, I first would want her & her husband to raise my daughter and if they couldn't then my other sister who lives in Plano. Definitely should get this into a legal, binding document.

So just when I'm thinking, okay, I'll forgive you yet again for another time I heard blame and not comfort in your voice at a horrible, stressful time in my life, she has to write me that sentence I quoted earlier, which has made me frustrated and mad at her again.

[Moose72]

We lived with my mom for nearly 10 years. It was toxic. Stay away of this!

[*Laurie*]

Considering the stress you're under right now, maybe it would be smart not to place your focus on your mom (do that later, when you're under less stress). If possible, put your energy into dealing with the issue at hand, which is finding a therapist and getting into treatment.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Considering the stress you're under right now, maybe it would be smart not to place your focus on your mom (do that later, when you're under less stress). If possible, put your energy into dealing with the issue at hand, which is finding a therapist and getting into treatment.

This ^^^! 100%!

If you express anything to your mom right now, maybe simply tell her you need her support.

Don't get into any argument with her right now if you can help it. You may need some assistance from her before all is said and done with this current CPS investigation?

Try to chill on as many fronts as possible. You need your energy. Watch you mood; I hope you can hold steady, as much as possible. You do not need further complications.

Many hugs,

WC

[tecomsin]

I also would try to keep the peace with your mother. A conflict with her could also be used against your interests with cps. I really do wonder what triggered the investigation to begin with.

[Tucson]

“My mom has not been in my good graces sent she texted me several texts full of blame and things being all my fault, etc. while I was in the psych ER. And she emailed my husband and offered to take my daughter and raise her with my dad.”

Be prepared for what I am about to say. Consider looking at this post as my attempt to help you.

All I got to say is WOW, talking about being emotionally abusive. I would be very angry if that happened to me, and probably would not permit my mother to see me and possibly her grandchild for at least the time being. This would not be out of spite. I think you need to distance yourself from her. You know what to expect if you do not do this for yourself. You do not need anything like this to affect you emotionally, especially now. I would think you would not allow your daughter to be entangled in this situation with your mother. IMHO it is imperative that you deal with this in terms of what can benefit your mental health. I think you should be willing to do what it takes to make this happen.

I think you should never ever think of or permit anyone to raise your child for you. Talking about a hit to self-esteem. She has not been helping in this area, but contributing to it. She does not understand that it is in her grandchild’s best interest to support your efforts with regard to your child. I think you need to actively further limit your exposure to your mother, completely if necessary. I believe that this is critical for your emotional health. Later if you choose to do so, you can once again open the door to your relationship with your mother.

You are meeting your daughters needs by at the very least providing a roof over your daughters head, food to eat, clothes, and most importantly, she has the loving attention from both of her parents which includes you. You are essential to this. Many kids do not get that last one, which is healthy attention from their parents. At this point, anything more would be icing on the cake. No reason to feel guilty.

JMO FWIW I hope you find at least some value in this post to you.

[tecomsin]

To be more explicit, CPS may already be talking with your mother, and if not yet then they may in the future as part of their investigation. I would proceed cautiously.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

To be more explicit, CPS may already be talking with your mother, and if not yet then they may in the future as part of their investigation. I would proceed cautiously.

I agree! It's important to be very wise on all fronts. it's exhausting, I know.


WC

[Blueberrybook]

For now, I'm keeping things so-so with my mom. All I need is to deal with a high stress situation with my mother, which would upset my grandmother. My maternal grandmother is my only living grandparent, and growing up, she & my grandfather were like 2nd parents to us (though I have suspicions my grandfather may have been bipolar and a genetic source of pre-disposition for me). My grandmother still lives on her own, in her mid-80s though my mom takes her grocery shopping, to the bank, doctors' appts., etc. None of my mom's sisters had kids, so my sisters & I are her only grandchildren.

She has slowed down quite a bit this last year or so, but she still does pretty good. She even still keeps chickens and goes to collect the eggs in the morning, waters a lot of her plants (when I was young, she gardened & grew plants in droves, it seemed like she'd get plants that died on everyone else to grow for her), cares for her little house dog, rescues every stray cat she finds (they stay outdoors, but she feeds them, gives them water).

So, I don't want a high tension situation with my mom that would bleed onto my grandmother. She has had a hard life and deserves as much happiness as possible. My grandmother is the strongest person I know. She grew up dirt poor; her parents were sharecroppers. They spoke English, but just spoke Czech at home and sent my grandmother to school not knowing a word of English. Not to mention the Czech and English pronunciations of her name (Georgia) sound very different. She said she wouldn't even realize the teacher was yelling at her or talking to her. She only got an 8th grade education because she had to go back to the fields and help her parents (usually with picking & farming cotton).

She got married young, and she & my grandfather were still sharecroppers for over half of his working years. She had 5 kids, but 2 of them, the 2 oldest, one her only son both drowned after getting caught up in a river current while swimming when they were something like 17 and 19. In those days, no one wanted to even help pay for the funerals of 2 kids of sharecroppers (even if the sharecroppers were white). My grandparents had no money. Finally, the Presbyterian church in town took pity on them and covered the funeral; I believe they regularly attended a Catholic church before that and afterwards never set foot in the town Catholic church again. And then my grandfather started drinking a lot (most of his siblings had issues with alcohol). Finally, it was my grandmother who put her foot down, and it really must have been something because after that, my grandfather went cold-turkey off the alcohol.

I love my grandmother too much to make her have to deal with stuff like this at her age now.

[tecomsin]

My family is also marked by intergenerational trauma. My best relationship was also with my grandmother, who passed away a few years ago.

Now that my son is an adult we are having an improved relationship. Maybe you can plan some fun activities for your daughter and your grandmother.