This isn't even the right topic (or even a topic thread related probably on the site) to post this but this is the only place where I feel I know and gather support. I don't have any outside, and sometimes it just becomes too much. I don't go into details because I'm afraid of being judged and I'm too emotional to deal with much right now anyway.

I'm so tired of dealing day in and day out with one fatal blow after another on every aspect of my life. How can I continue to put up a fight for something no one else is willing to support? I have no one, I've lost a lot and I'm always criticized for any reaction of my part and villianized by all the rest. I've made mistakes and I can't make right choices-- any attempt to fix a problem yields another. I'm in a very unstable space both emotionally in myself and with my spouse. I'm forced to confine myself into a room and cry empty tears because the only person who suffers through it is me. No one cares, no one is willing to understand my struggle to just be free of all of this. The frustration builds and builds and there is no stable outlet to let it go. I end up hurting myself in one way or another. I'm so alone in all of this I just feel so low.


I just wanted it off my chest -- no comment is necessary and the fewer probably the better. Why the hell do I feel like I need to express it to a listening ear? I don't know. I'm prepared for the hatespeech and attention seeking comments I'm going to recieve for this. I'm sorry I wasted yours and anyone elses time. I try to be more rational when I post, but today I have very little left in me to hold onto. [P.S. NOT Suicidal, frustrated, tired and alone.].

Nah, you're not attention seeking, nor are you wasting anybody's time.

I'm sorry you're going through this, though. I have no support in real life either, except for my therapist and psychiatrist, and I don't even know if they count since I'm paying them to listen to me. Sorry that I don't have much else to say, but I empathize.

[Unrigged64072835]

We've all been emotional at one point or another. We've all been through the pain. Believe me, there's been times recently when I even wonder if it's worth going on with life.

Call it the dark night of the soul. Call it hitting rock bottom. Doesn't matter what it's called. It hurts like hell, all the time.

So love and hugs to you, Brentus. It ain't much from a person on the other side of a keyboard, but it's all I got.

Originally Posted by Brentus

Why the hell do I feel like I need to express it to a listening ear? I don't know. I'm prepared for the hatespeech and attention seeking comments I'm going to recieve for this. I'm sorry I wasted yours and anyone elses time. I try to be more rational when I post, but today I have very little left in me to hold onto. [P.S. NOT Suicidal, frustrated, tired and alone.].

Attention seeking would be posting the same information in 6 paragraphs of text in 4 new threads every 2 hours and then continually running them to the top of the page by repeating the same narrative while belittling anyone else’s struggle—Then flipping out when anyone offers more than “you are so brave.” And even then, I haven’t seen anyone say anything remotely hateful, so you are safe, bro.

I wonder if there is something about the changing seasons that ignites inner turmoil in someone with bipolar? So many of us seem to be battling similar issues within the last week or two.

Anyway, let it out. We get it.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are having a rough time.

WC

I appreciate the understanding and support from you all. It doesn't help I don't have my medicine. I just hope one day I can breathe without the weight of the world crashing down on me. Even if they're words from a stranger across the world on another side of a computer screen, they at least empathize. Thank you.

[Blueberrybook]

First, it is not attention seeking to post your problems here. That is what this board is for. Your post is not bothersome at all.

I am bipolar I with mixed features right now. i have been mixed at least since the end of March, but I think I swing more toward depression when I'm not mixed though I have had a few manic doozies that nearly put me into the hospital. I often read mixed tends to end with IP at a hospital, which I definitely do NOT want if at all possible.

I have had those same feelings. Crying in the bedroom one day, feeling like I'm a waste of space other days. Walking through a craft store & wanting to try my hand at everything there. My thoughts race so much sometimes, I can hardly articulate a sentence. I have a big problem with overspending. I have such a huge problem with exercise, it's become an eating disorder with all the numbers & guilt I feel if I eat something like cake and have not runt that day, worries about scales, numbers, clothes size.I had so much promise after getting an M.S., and now I'm trying to get disability.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this stuff? Why do you not have your medicine?

I have a therapist who thank to lord is working pro bono for me right now. I don't have a job, unemployment is not coming through (not even sure the problem there), I don't have a license to drive, nor public transport and I can't afford my medicine nor the doctor's visit. I'm working on trying to get Medicaid (I'm in the US btw) but I'm not sure how long that process will take. I have a lot going on at one time, on top of my grandmother passing, and the endless battle with bipolar, relationships, and life. I'm just one big mess.

I'm not trying to throw out a "poor pitiful old me" story, but when you can't even get out of bed half the time, it's about all you can do to just give up on yourself. I guess I've sort of given up. A lot of my frustration is at myself and my inability to have others understand me.

I don't think for a second that you are attention seeking or wasting anyone's time, Brentus.

Originally Posted by Brentus

Why the hell do I feel like I need to express it to a listening ear? I don't know.

Why do we need to express to a listening ear? I don't know for sure, but for me, otherwise it just goes around and around in my head in endless rumination. How about you?

I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy. Hope things ease up a bit soon. Please keep us posted how you're doing, ok? We don't see you often enough around here.