I hate my brain. There I said it

Alright, so let me preface this by saying that I don't /always/ hate my brain. I love the fact that I can remember some things that might seem trivial but can always make the people I love smile. I hate that in order to remember those things, I seem to have lost most of my working/short term memory. Ask me what I did within two days and I'll usually have a vague idea but few details. Ask me about something that happened in the year 1066 (battle of hastings) and I can talk for days it seems.
I hate that my brain always tells me that I need to freak out over every little thing that could possibly mean that someone is angry with me.
I hate my brain when it tells me that I'm not good at my job (categorically untrue - I am, by all standards, an excellent cook with tonnes of knowledge and skills at my disposal.)
I hate my brain when it tries to convince me that my little girl would probably be better off without her daddy being present in her life.
I just hate that my brain is so F*cked up and seems to want me dead.

I am on meds, they do work, I just hate that they will never /fix/ what is broken inside my head.

my memory used to be really good. I would remember people's phone numbers, tv skedules, addresses, etc.

get diagnosed... and that's it. I can't even remember what I had for dinner yesterday (well at this point I can, sausages an chips) but you know what I mean

my memory has gone from one of the best to one of the worst

I can relate. ((((((Hugs))))))

I forgot to mention I have notes all round my house with random words on, and I forget why I wrote them and what they are for

I often feel my girl (nearly 11 years old now) would be better off without her mother (me) in her life, that I should go live with relatives so she doesn't see panic, depression, mania. (I am making an effort though and have told her [when she was receptive] that I want to spend more time & do more things with her, nearly all I suggested making her quite happy or sounding excited). Though I am still not 100% sure my brain is wrong. Sigh.

I am so sorry about your memory issues too. My brain issues are different (sudden panic attacks, bad short term memory, forgetting how to say, spell/type common words, ugh; one day I even forgot how to start driving and reversing the car. Luckily, I'm a bit less forgetful, but my speech often sucks between Wellbutrin forgetfulness and anti-anxiety meds.

I get bad thought before falling asleep, really sucks.

I am so sorry you have issues too.

Random idea--what if, when you have the thoughts creep in that 'your daughter would be better off with you dead', change the thought, and say to yourself, 'okay, now how would she be worse off if I died?'

You will probably come up with a lot of things!

I keep a notebook for my horrible short term memory. Ill be talking and if something else catches my attention then its gone. Same with thinking in general- too many tangents and im lost.

So sorry you are going through memory loss. Are you in benzo withdrawal? I know when I was in benzo withdrawal I forgot EVERYTHING. Whether it's that or med/depression related I found it helps to write things down. Maybe 3x daily, like with breakfast lunch and dinner. You could write down what you did so far in that time period.