School is hard, am I right?

I have nothing to lose at this point lol. I don't know what to do anymore, this is ridiculous.

Just spent an entire day in bed because I have a 7 to 10 page essay due by tomorrow in my most important class. We had four weeks to write it. I wrote one page. Feel like all of my time was spent working, wrote other essays under crunch time and thought I could get this one out in a week. But apparently not.

So that marks the first day of me laying in bed wishing my brain wasn't my enemy and not being able to get up because I don't see the point and am probably going to get back into old habits of not getting up and covering up scars. This is every day. Every semester is like trudging through molasses. I can't deal with this. It's exhausting and no matter where I go in life I'm unhappy. I haven't had a night where I felt safe in years. And I'm miles away from my family, but now my anxiety has me afraid for them too.

I'm so scared to hand in that single page in front of everyone with their well fleshed out essays. I'll look like an idiot. And we had four weeks. How can anyone justify that? I feel like I'm lazy, probably stupid and nothing matters. Whenever I'm under pressure I just freeze and can't do anything. And with my mood stabilizers, all I feel now is my depression. My highs were painful but now my life just feels so grey. Things aren't as important as they used to be. It shouldn't be this difficult and I just feel lazy and stupid. Everyone else is handing in work. What am I doing wrong? I optimized my time to the minute, and now just wasted everything today. I could have gotten so much done. But when I try I freeze. I can't deal with this. It's consuming my entire life. Is the progress I'm making showing at all?

This is so scary for me. I made the president's list last semester. I run the school comic, am now working for the department and have been doing the Sunday specials for over a year now. Currently, I'm working on merch and have a regular job which I like. Two of my larger projects I work on outside of this. It was so planned and now I spent the day doing nothing. This is time I can't get back. How can people live life and be so happy. Everyday I feel like I don't work hard enough. If I don't make it to the president's list I'm afraid it will affect my current academic standing. Since I contribute to the school already, I need to get really good grades too. I'm so ashamed.

Sorry for this negative message.