True to my name

It's been a while since I have posted. I've come here from time to time to check in, but most of the time I can't get my thoughts together enough to post. I've been up and down. Right now, I'm down. The last two days have been really hard to get out of bed. I really wanted to call in work. I've been extremely late both days. I've just started a second job to try to clear out debt that I have created, but I'm working in a department store. I reported to orientation last night and became overwhelmed with thought of inadequacy mixed with fear of overspending when my mood swings up again. I want the job, I'm just afraid that I won't be able to do it. I talked about it in therapy today and my T suggested that I look for a different job. I'm not sure if what I'm about to say is breaking the rules or not but gosh, people get so freaked out whenever I say what I really have on my mind. I just don't have anybody I can really talk to without fear that my T or my pdoc will be called. I've never been in the hospital for moods and I don't want to cross that boundary. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to say what I think. Especially since I have been told that all people don't have these thoughts from time to time. It just feels so "normal" to me.

I've had thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore lately. My takeaways from my conversation in therapy today are that 1) I'm not afraid of my thoughts. This may sound weird but they are sort of comforting and 2) Two things keep me here, people and what they would have to say about my choice and lack of a viable plan. I feel miserable. It feels like it has been forever since I was happy. I know that I had a lot of energy last week. I can't remember if I was happy. Happiness seems like years ago right now. I feel like I will never find it again.

I know that if I wait long enough my mood will shift again. I just hope it does soon.

I’m lost in my own head right now but I’m glad to see you back and posting

Have you contacted your pdoc? It sounds like your meds are not helping much.

If you are miserable maybe it is time to consider the hospital. They are good at stopping "miserable" in a few days. It's really not so bad.

I have not contacted my pdoc. I think,I I'm going to try to chart my mood for a couple of weeks. That will be more helpful than me trying to remember how I feel. My perception of time seems to be off when my mood is off. Two days seems like 3 months, etc.

I was able to get up this morning and make it to work. Not a perfect day, but better than yesterday.

Do you see your T again next week?

Working overwhelms me too, so much so that I either land myself in the hospital or just only miss it.

Could you be mixed? I've been mixed forever (well, since late Marc), and it is getting suckier by the minute. I am getting more & more frequent mood shifts. Going to ask pdoc what in the world will get me off this roller-coaster. I'm sick of it.

I hope you start doing better.

Thanks. Things have shifted, but I'm not sure that I'm better. I see my T again in 3 weeks. I can't really afford to go any sooner than that. I would have loved to schedule an appointment sooner. I definately think that I'm mixed. I'm not real sure what to do about it. I'm always afraid of med changes.

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change is always hard for me .... but sometimes I just need too ... Tigger .