[Row Jimmy]

Here I am, at age 52, still tortured by my mother. I had been in a wonderful place, more or less, for the last few months. Everyone was doing well, I was having fun with my job, and we were finally getting comfortable with the move we made last year. Then, of course, along comes "mother", the irrepressible force of nature who will live another 25 years into her late 90s, making demands and being critical of everything I do. This time, I don't call her enough. And my messages should be more detailed. In the end, it could be anything. But every time I pick up the phone, it's a fight. I suggested she get some help (as have my sisters), but as you could guess, there's nothing wrong with her. The problem isn't hers, it's mine. Picture the most annoying person who always has their hands clean, nothing sticks to them, smooth with the argument, always spinning it back to you. That's my mother.

Thus, I look back at the start of my healing a few years ago and I realize how difficult it is to manage someone who is mentally ill, especially someone in denial. My mother is mentally ill, either BP or PTSD from an unresolved issue from her childhood. I realize how fortunate I was to come to my senses and to realize that I needed help. It was my dad, rest his soul, that took me aside and said "you need some help......get some help". And since I loved him so much, I got some help. It was a moment of clarity......perhaps even a bit of luck was involved. I further realize how fortunate I am to have been blessed with the direction, giving my wife and children some peace of mind. I still have my moments, but the overall future is bright. I am thankful to not have to live in a constant state of confrontation.

My mother has an undiagnosed mental illness and it shows. She was a terrible mother - a typical Irish Catholic provider who showed no love or affection. Her job was to crank out kids, cook meals, do the laundry, and instill the value of the church into her kids. Toss in some abuse - getting smashed with a mirror or clocked with a phone - and you get the idea. My dad passed away in July and she's been a lost soul ever since, desperate to make up for lost time before it's too late. Day by day, she sinks deeper into the abyss.

If you're out there, and you're thinking about getting help, do it. Your life improves dramatically when you take control and admit you have a problem.

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

I further realize how fortunate I am to have been blessed with the direction, giving my wife and children some peace of mind. I still have my moments, but the overall future is bright. I am thankful to not have to live in a constant state of confrontation.

I can totally relate to this sentiment. In my case, I didn't realize I had a mental illness or that I was even beginning to act quite odd until I nearly killed myself. Though I still have a lot of pain from the wound and always will, I consider it a blessing that what I did resulted in me getting the help I need.

I am sorry that you cannot get through to your mother. I know how painful this is. My son needs help but doesn't think he needs it, rather, he thinks something is wrong with me and seems to be paranoid of his father and, occassionally, me. I can understand why this happened. It must have been very tough to grow up with a mentally ill mother who nearly died.

I will pray for your mother and I am so happy for you. Thanks for expressing such a positive thought.

I'm so sorry you have gone and are going through this, Row Jimmy. (I had to go No Contact with mine, similar issues.) Sending thoughts for strength your way. Does she live nearby or do you have some distance?

[unaluna]

I thought we had something in common. A skewed way of looking at the world. And they are the skewer. Mine has been gone for about 3 years now - she would have been 90 this year, but sausages and 2nd hand smoke and staying out all night will take their toll on even the hardiest constitution - and i am just starting to feel normal, not distressed. And i was in therapy since my twenties.

[Row Jimmy]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I'm so sorry you have gone and are going through this, Row Jimmy. (I had to go No Contact with mine, similar issues.) Sending thoughts for strength your way. Does she live nearby or do you have some distance?

She lives 100 miles away but most of my family is out of state......I'm the oldest and the only boy, making things worse. She just refuses to get help. She'll take whatever trauma she suffered as a child to the grave with her.

[Row Jimmy]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I thought we had something in common. A skewed way of looking at the world. And they are the skewer. Mine has been gone for about 3 years now - she would have been 90 this year, but sausages and 2nd hand smoke and staying out all night will take their toll on even the hardiest constitution - and i am just starting to feel normal, not distressed. And i was in therapy since my twenties.

A constant flow of unnecessary challenges, negativity, and control will also take a toll on us. Her very being makes my life worse. Amazing stuff........my sisters and I believe she was abused as a child - my grandfather was a decorated WWII veteran which often gave him a free pass but he was also a nasty drunk. Anyway, she refuses to talk about it or address it - she just carried it on to her family. So be it. My sisters and I have resolved not to keep the cycle going with our families.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

She lives 100 miles away but most of my family is out of state......I'm the oldest and the only boy, making things worse. She just refuses to get help. She'll take whatever trauma she suffered as a child to the grave with her.

That is so tough, when someone could benefit from it but can't or won't see it. My childhood was mild in comparison, but my dad really had a temper that caused him to have these rages and irritability making things quite volatile in our house. He clearly always wanted the best for us and now that he has calmed down we all have a good relationship. The right help--therapy and/or meds (it might have been mood related, honestly) would have really made a difference in our family growing up.

[eth2234]

I am happy that you did! I don't have bipolar (Just some anxiety I guess), but my sister do have bipolar which makes our lives miserable, she used to be on medication but she stopped it without even telling her docs, so yeah, I know how you feel.