Regrets

So, I was browsing through some old facebook pictures and each one brought back a memory. Some like ( oh yeah that was the one time I came out of hospital after 2 months.)

anyways, looking back at my high school days, and I am just thinking, where tf did it all go wrong?

I dealt with my bipolar very successfully from 14-18. And just looking at those pictures, man I looked so healthy and good.

I realize things change, but I have basically sabotaged my life doing self destructive things that I knew were detrimental to this disease. It has always been a very manageable thing.

I think, it all started with a bad breakup after a 2 year relationship. I realize people change and nobody remains high school sweethearts, but she really kept me stable.

All that time, I was only on a very low dose of depokote. Like 500mg or 250mg every night. it worked.

I had the world in front of me..

And then I discovered pot. Loved it. Then it sent me manic/psychotic in hospital for a week at 18.
And for the last 10 years its been an on an off obsession, along with other drugs, but mostly just weed.. oh and the going off med thing, which only adds to it.

At 18 they introduced anti-psychotics. I've been on about 10 different ones in the last 10 years.

Since my 20s I'm averaging a hospitalization every year.
Haven't broke the cycle.
I'm now diagnosed schizoaffective.
Been on ssdi for about 5 years.

Oh, and not to mention 6months in jail, 3 in state hospital. Which, was most recent.
Been home since April, stable since January. Shouldn't of been taken to jail, but it happened. And yes,I think I've finally hit a Wake Up call.
Besides, the constant, depression that never ceases, I don't have any other symptoms. Like Ever.
Its only when I go off meds and do drugs. That cycle is Over with.

I've put myself through more trauma then anybody has to go through in an entire life time. I feel like I've aged 20 years more than I should have.

So, if you're newly diagnosed, just Do What You Are Supposed To.
This disease is Very manageable and treatable. Don't go off the rails like I have so many times.
Please take your meds.

*cheers*

How do you avoid substance abuse now a days?
I have a problem with alcohol.
I am aiming for a dry november.
bizi

Thanks so much for sharing!

I am very sorry for all you have been through.

I appreciate the message you have shared with us!

Thank you so much!

WC

Meh. Don't be too hard on yourself. I've been entirely treatment compliant for 38 years (medication and therapy), still find living with a mental illness extremely disabling and so cruel.

Idk people,places,things I guess, but mostly will power

I've discovered that the most important thing in keeping me stable is to completely disavow anything that alters my mental state - drinking alcohol, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and tightly controlling drinking coffee or anything with caffeine in it; which I'll admit pissed me off for a long time, and would just about send me into bouts of rage just at the mere thought of giving up all these "vices"... but ultimately as a father and a husband I have to be stable for my family and my future... you've gotta find your reasons to control your habits, or your habits will control you. Sometimes that takes a lot of digging into your inner core, and suffering at the hands of your vices before you finally find your reasons.

A wise post.

I take my meds and read my signature... Manic, hypo, psychosis.... I think its just the nature of the beast.

Screw it, it's all in the past. Ain't gonna change. Looking to the future.......TODAY is the day you begin to build. Life is a continuum, we have 40 years behind us and 40 years in front of us.