[SorryShaped]

I'm pretty sure the title says it. I'm not able to move right now. There's a big dinner going on in my building for the residents and I physically can't go. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I feel bad that I feel like this, because one person did the whole thing and really wanted to see everyone there. She even invited me when I spoke with her this morning. I'm simply not able. I'm having a coffee and then I'll take a long nap and hopefully feel good enough to go workout tonight. I did workout this morning but I got overloaded on people there, with the friendly chatter before and after class. I've been in a very grumpy and agitated mood today too.
I know I'm sinking further into depression. I'm also still seeing the flashes and smelling burned electronics that aren't there. I'm spending a lot of time feeling like I'm outside my own body, watching things happen. There's been a lot of fantasizing about suicide lately too. I know I'm not healthy right now. I don't think I'm going to do anything. I don't want to. I think I'll sleep now.
Before anyone asks, I've got pdoc next week and therapist too. I also just saw my therapist last week and he can tell and knows what's going on. We talked about depression. Dunno what my pdoc will do next.

[unaluna]

I dont know about you, but i really HATE being cast in the role of the charity case, the lorn lonely soul. Its like they shine a spotlight in your face and say Eat! Smile! Talk! BE with people! Honestly, i do as much as i want of all that every day.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I dont know about you, but i really HATE being cast in the role of the charity case, the lorn lonely soul. Its like they shine a spotlight in your face and say Eat! Smile! Talk! BE with people! Honestly, i do as much as i want of all that every day.

I haven't had pride in decades. I don't much care what people think of me, even those that say they love me.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I haven't had pride in decades. I don't much care what people think of me, even those that say they love me.

Is it pride? It's just not wanting to be thrust into a role not of your own choosing. If i want something, i will ask you - i love you and i know you love me, so i know its okay to ask. But please dont do that coaxing thing - "aw, come on!"

I dont mean YOU, of course, i mean THEM. Right? But youre right, it is kinda humiliating to get that last minute phone call "hey you can come here if you got no place else to go. Youre still family." Thanks. But ive made my bed and im lying in it.

[SorryShaped]

F that. I'm staying home Thursday and probably the other unholyday coming up in December. I'll do literally anything but cope with that crap again this year.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so sorry. I hate group gatherings too. Got out of going to Thanksgiving with my parents because my 2 sisters & their families are going to their in-laws. H's family is in California, and we don't have the money to fly or drive there (not to mention the time). It is a 2.5 day drive, and that's taking it pretty easy.

Getting through Christmas & my daughter's birthday is going to be a trial.

I'm not done with people, but I'm over gatherings.

[SorryShaped]

I know I'm not thinking clearly or correctly. Exercising again tonight helped mildly, total of three hours today. Then, I came home and thought about all this again. I ate and am going to bed at 8:30, now.
I think I know what one of the flashes is.*tw* It's me, hanging. It's hard to tell for sure because the image is so bright.

[~Christina]

Just let yourself float when you feel like this.

Hope it eases for you soon