Ready to give up (long read)

dshantel · Dec 21, 2018, 12:18 PM

I feel like my soul is depleted. I was gonna write in here last night but I ended up falling asleep. It's been awhile since I've posted, not because things got better, I've just been so exhausted emotionally for the past 2 years. Some of you may remember me, I posted a lot at the beginning of this year and a lot last year. My situation hasn't really changed all that much. I feel like I have been depressed for so long. 2 years. It's mostly situational but it triggers episodes. Right now every single day, hour and minute is me fighting to stay alive and at this point in my life with everything I feel like running away or dying are my only options. So it's basically down to when it will happen. Or at least that is what it feels like.

A little background: the end of 2016 my husband and I graduated, I worked for a little. I was also pregnant. When he got a job, we had to move to a different state. I thought I'd be able to go back to work after the baby. But we ended up not able to afford it. I also didn't have my driver's license due to anxiety. So all of 2017 I was stuck inside pretty much 24/7 trying not to lose my mind. I was in a place where I knew no one. Stuck inside. My husband was working all the time, 60 her weeks basically. So I was mostly alone. The only conversation typically just with my kids. My husband was very emotionally closed off and unavailable. So in 2018 we decided that I would move back to TN because I knew people here and there is a program to help people with anxiety get their license. The plan was for him to find a new job. I move, get my license in 4 months. End up emergency hospitalized for a week. On meds for a short while.

Meanwhile nothing has changed other than the drivers license. He still works the same job and now it's an hour away and he's hardly home. I'm here doing everything alone as far as taking care of the kids. No transportation. Not able to work. He stays with his boss when he's not here. I feel like a single parent. I can't do things that I want to do because I don't have anyone to help watch the kids. I hardly get any alone time of any at all. I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed and so alone. I just want to give up. I feel like I do everything around what he's doing and I don't have a life. I'm not going anywhere career wise and I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so lost. So left behind. It's getting so bad that I feel like I'm starting to not care. It's a crazy feeling, caring so much but at the same time not caring. If that even makes sense. I definitely do have some resentment and I don't know how to let it go. I feel like 2 years of my life were taken from me. I love my kids so much and I love my husband too but I just want to be done with all of this. I don't want to be here anymore. I have thoughts of leaving all the time and just going off on my own. I've thought about just leaving him with the kids. And of course I've thought about ending my life. Because what's the point in living like this. I'm becoming more and more hollow inside everyday. And all he keeps saying is, wait a little longer, just wait. I'm tired of waiting on him. My life is never gonna start if I keep waiting on everyone else but I have no choice at the same time. None of this is my choice and I have no way to change it other than dying or running away by myself. I feel so bad for thinking this way at times but what am I supposed to do? Our situation isn't changing anytime soon. I can't afford to Leave him and take the kids because I have nothing and I am nothing. I have no family here and neither does he. My family wouldn't be of any help anyways. I literally feel alone in the world.

Victoria'smom · Dec 21, 2018, 12:45 PM

Can you afford a junk car (like under 1k)? What about daycare 1-2x a week or early head start? Can you get TN promise and go online part time when the kids are asleep? Do you still have no money for meds/therapy? There's online therapy. It sounds like leaving is not your best option. I forget how many kids you have and their ages. It's nice to see you back though.

MickeyCheeky · Dec 21, 2018, 01:10 PM

I'm so sorry you're struggling, dshantel.

Please don't give up. I know things look and sound really bad right now, but they won't have to stay like this forever. Things can get better. Do you have any friends that can help you raise the kids? That way you won't have to deal with it alone. Can you afford daycare for them? Please don't give up. I know things are hard right now. If it can help a bit... we're here for you. Feel free to share and vent here. I'll listen to what you have to say. I care about you. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

dshantel · Dec 21, 2018, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can you afford a junk car (like under 1k)? What about daycare 1-2x a week or early head start? Can you get TN promise and go online part time when the kids are asleep? Do you still have no money for meds/therapy? There's online therapy. It sounds like leaving is not your best option. I forget how many kids you have and their ages. It's nice to see you back though.

No, we can't afford another car. I have 4 kids, the oldest 2 are in school. The 4 year old is in headstart for 4 hours and the 2 year old is with me at home. I have insurance now for therapy and meds. I tried to keep it up after the hospital stay but the therapist I was assigned didn't work out because if timing. I had to schedule everything around my husbands availablity and the therapist scheduled all her stuff out 4 weeks, so it was like impossible to get in to see her with all of that so I just gave up. The school that I want to go to has an online program but there is no financial aid available for it. Also thanks for replying.

Dec 21, 2018, 01:24 PM

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, dshantel. I know it's not the same as IRL, but please feel free to lean on us, that's what we're here for. There's just got to be a way to make a little headway in some direction somehow, I hate that you feel trapped in this situation. Feeling like you're always waiting for others is hard (been there a LOT). And you're right, your life is never going to start if you're always waiting on everyone else. It seems like maybe you aren't even questioning being last in line on the priorities list(??) Maybe it would be good to challenge that. You DO deserve as much self-care and importance as anyone else. Are there little things you can think of to bolster that? Then maybe build from there? Even something small could help get things moving in the right direction.