[HALLIEBETH87]

I was abused for 10 years by my mean alcoholic stepmother. My family didn’t get me out of there. I ran away at 17. Anyhow every Christmas I get triggered. It’s not as bad as it used to be but I’m struggling today.

She used to tell me just how fat and ugly I was. Reference...I was an average sized teenage girl. I was skinny even. But i thought I was a fat *** bugged eyed b-word like she called me.

I told my t something today I’ve never told anyone. And I feel so ashamed and sad. I used to sneak food when I was a teen. We weren’t allowed to eat just whenever or whatever we wanted. She yelled and made fun of me so much that I stopped eating a lot. I ate very little and lost a ton of weight. She still made fun of me and I was convinced I was a beached whale. I hated myself. She caught me once. And she never ever let me forget I was a fat *** glutton and sneaky!

Now I AM huge. I feel so ashamed I told him that. He’s a good t and I know I am being a tad irrational but I hope I’m not being judged by my weight now.

She was so mean and I can’t stop the tears.

[~Christina]

I’m glad you are letting this all out even tho it’s terribly hard.

That woman is just evil and I hope Karma takes her out in a huge way.

Matt is a wonderful T, he will help you see that there is nothing to be ashamed about . This is you taking your passed miserable life and putting it in a box in the back of your mind and it will no longer be on your mind daily or even monthly , most all my garbage is tucked away in boxes far from the forefront of my daily life as you will too.

You have so much good going on in there life and YOU alone has made this all happen.

You are stronger than you think,... T can be gut wrenching but the pay off is a beautiful thing.

Hang on there

[Aurelius710]

If I can relate to anything here, I can relate to the sense of shame.

I had "something" happen to me when I was eight with someone older than me. I have suspicions about what happened (abuse of some kind), but I can't narrow them down. However, what I remember clear as day 20 years later, is the overwhelming sense of shame that came from it. I can agree on an intellectual level that it wasn't my fault, especially when I don't really know what "it" is, but when I dwell on it, I wonder if eight year old me could have done more. Then, I start getting angry that I have to feel ashamed about what happened and around and around it goes.

If I had any "easier said than done" advice: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to a night out (or a night in). Be with friends or family. Talk more to your therapist about it. Do what you need to (within reason) to mute that insidious voice, if only for a while.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are triggered.

You have been through a lot. You deserve a lot of self-compassion.

It all really hurts! I was constantly told I was fat throughout my childhood. It used to crush me. I look at pictures of my childhood and now realize I was not fat at all! People were just messing with me.

I hope your T will help you with this.

Thanks so much for sharing.

WC

[HALLIEBETH87]

Thanks everyone. I’m better today. I think I’ve never really even processed it til yesterday so I was very upset and didn’t know how to get past it.

[Sunflower123]

((((( Hugs )))))

[Unrigged64072835]

Lots of hugs and love to you, Halliebeth.

It's horrible about how people can be so cruel in general, but especially to young ones.

I do hope you provide compassion to the self that was traumatized. Feel the love and nurturing you didn't get.

[TheSeaCat]

I'm glad you are feeling better today.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I did feel better. Now I’ve found out my stepdad who is very sick with cancer is in the hospital with an infection

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I did feel better. Now I’ve found out my stepdad who is very sick with cancer is in the hospital with an infection

Oh goodness I am so sorry.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Thanks. He’s a cancer patient and his port is infected. They removed it.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Thanks. He’s a cancer patient and his port is infected. They removed it.

I hope your stepdad is doing okay. (?)

I also hope you can enjoy NYE.

WC

[HALLIEBETH87]

Thanks. I babysat

[HALLIEBETH87]

My tmemailed me back and told me he doesn’t judge me and it makes sense that I snuck food. He asked me to keep
Using skills and stay safe.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

My tmemailed me back and told me he doesn’t judge me and it makes sense that I snuck food. He asked me to keep

Using skills and stay safe.

Glad Matt was able to soothe your feelings.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm glad you are feeling better about the weight stuff. I didn't exactly sneak food but I would take it to places I likely wouldn't be seen and eat a lot when I was in high school. I had sexual abuse from an uncle, verbal & physical from my father. I know those feelings so well. No one in ever made fun of my weight; I got to chubby at best in high school, but I felt enormous, couldn't wear the skinny jeans and stuff. College came, I exercised, weight came off, I got praised, exercised more & more & ate less, hello ED. It's an issue 20 years later. Ugh. Nearly all people with an ED have a background of abuse and those shameful feelings, not to mention shameful feelings about food, whether you have anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, any ED pretty much.

I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad

[HALLIEBETH87]

I’m feeling pretty down lately