Back to Earth...I think. POSS TRIGGER - SI

Hello Everyone!
I have been in a whirlwind the last few months and must have forgotten this site exists. I say must have as I had a load of ECT and lost memory of most of 2018. Might not be so bad as I heard it was awful for me. Due to this memory loss I requested my clinical notes from my 4 week hospitalisation in October. I just needed to know what happened. To make sense of how I found myself in December, lost and utterly broken not knowing who I was or what was wrong with me, or even if I had been making the whole mental illness thing up (as my narcissistic, now ex-friend, told me).

Two days ago I got those notes and OMG, I was severely ill. BPAD 1 Mixed with psychosis apparently. Had been doing Meth, Cannabis and drinking heaps, apparently delusional but I don't recall in what way. Yelled at my psychiatrist during my regular appointment as an outpatient. Was at great risk to myself with intent and plan. He immediately got the senior nurse to walk over to the consulting rooms and escort me to the IP facility over the road.

Medications did not bring me down after two weeks so I was given ECT, kind of voluntarily but I apparently didn't have much insight at the time so my parents agreed to it. I slowly improved and had OP ECT for 3 weeks (I think). Since then I have been cycling between depression and mild hypomania. No mixed, thank god. Seems to be week up then week down. Stupidly I took myself of Lamictal then jumped back on a month later when the depression hit bad. As of last Sunday I am stable, maybe a little high. Idk, and really don't care as I feel happy and am doing no wrong. At least I've stopped spending so much money on stupid things I don't need or want. I ordered so much while IP and they just stopped arriving at my door to my surprise. Lol!

Sorry for the lengthy update, and thanks to those who made it this far. Has anyone else read their clinical notes and had a revelation that they actually have a serious illness and am not just acting out deliberately? This has really been a game changer for me. I am much more serious about beginning to regularly make good choices to hopefully avoid going through last year again. It seems believing I have a legit mental illness makes all the difference.

I intend to post more and am reading your posts now. I often can't post atm because I have a bad Chronic Fatigue/Fibromyalgia flare-up caused by this craziness.

It's nice to see you back, Wander! Sorry you had to go through all of that, but I am glad you are leveling out a bit now.

I only have partial memory of my ECT treatments, too. The first few. Then it's a blur. I think it was just as well. I was severely depressed at the time, but I recall having ECT recommended a time before when I was manic with mixed features. I didn't accept it then, to put it mildly. Instead, I spent time in the hospital isolation room and being followed around the ward by a security guard. Anyway, yea it's odd to read the hospital notes, though one hospital I went to only provided very cryptic notes. The other more detailed. In the past, I would ask my husband what I was like during manic/psychotic blackouts. He always refused to say. I guessed it really scared him.

Thanks so much for your reply BirdDancer. I have had mania blackouts in the past too. However that was a few weeks, this time with the ECT it is a whole year. It must have been frightening to be followed by a security guard. I know the paranoia can get real bad. I am hoping to never go through that again. Is that too much to ask?

Hey there, Wander!

It's great to hear from you!

Wow. you have been through a lot.
I hope things are looking up for you.

I have not read the notes written about me. it might be helpful if I did so. I am often concerned doing so might make me feel even worse about myself. I am just keeping my head above water as it is.

I can definitely relate to CFS and to Fibromyalgia. No fun. Demoralizing, in fact.

Please take care!

WC

nice to see a post from you.
Drugs and alcohol can really f*** us up.
I am hoping you have continued good health and see some stability soon.
Glad that you posted to us.
Worry when regulars stop posting.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi