update

Oh Blue, I think your making a horrible mistake I think you are delusional and have lost rational thinking right now.

But when you crash we will all be here for you

I think it’s not true. My pdoc and therapist were feeding me lies to make me THINK there was a problem. They want me on a tranquilizer (AKA rexulti) because they want to control me—and for what reason, I don’t know. I just know that they both are ganging up on me and that they’re watching me through secret cameras scattered throughout my workplace. And after I got to work, I realized that they had obviously hidden a camera in my CAR. It gave me a panic attack since I couldn’t find it. I just folded my seats down and put my blue tarp over everything so that no one can see me anymore. (They are these tiny cameras the size of your index finger.) I’m panicking right now because they probably know I’m still not going to take the rexulti.

As I said to bizi, rexulti is about control. And yes, I’m afraid that he will stop prescribing Ritalin and lexapro.

I took my first lexapro 10mg dose last night and half of my lamictal (which is now 200mg).

I think I’ll be ok. Just gotta wait until lexapro does its job. Then I’ll feel a lot better.

Only thing I’m dealing with this morning is some agitation. But I was crying all last night because I felt ganged up on and I was scared. I almost left my therapist a voicemail asking why she was doing this to me, but I was sobbing, so there was no way I could leave a voicemail when I was feeling like that, since I doubt she’d be able to understand me while I was sobbing. I do want to confront her about it, though...

They will probably know just from your behavior and your symptoms. What do you normally do when you think people behind spy cameras are watching you?

I barricade my apartment door, then go into my bedroom and barricade that too so that no one comes in.

I’m at work right now and have been panicking for the past 3 hours because I feel a presence around me even though I can’t see anybody. I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t tell anyone about this though, for my own safety. Plus, my therapist and pdoc will just try to control me with the rexulti. They are not to be trusted.

What concerns do you have about your safety?

Is there anything we can do for you, blue?
I hope all ends up okay for you

I've had very similar thoughts and behaviors. Now I recognize that as a symptom of psychosis. But if a person doesn't see it that way, I don't think any rational argument can convince them. In between periods of medication compliance I was determined at times that my beliefs were the correct ones and people were conspiring against me to take away my freedom. I wonder how many other people in the forum have had similar experiences. I just wanted to say that this is the kind of thing I start to think when I am getting psychotic.

I'm concerned about you. Who can you trust right now that you could talk to about this? You do not sound well. Also you might want to watch out for that agitation if it's new. It was a sign for me that Lexapro was making me more unwell.

An AD and a stimulant are dangerous drugs to be on without an AP and a mood stabilizer. You do sound delusional. The irony is that it is not your pdoc and T that are trying to control you, it's you. You're playing doctor and you picked a dangerous drug combo for a person with psychotic symptoms to be on. I sincerely hope you don't lose your job over this plan of action and end up involuntarily hospitalized. Whatever happens PC will be there for you.

I would also ask her what her motivation would be for hiding cameras to spy on you. Of course if one has such thoughts, one would be deeply suspicious of the motivation of someone who is supposed to be helping. It can be a very isolating, lonely experience to go through a paranoid psychosis.

I also mention that being involuntarily hospitalized and maybe losing one's job is not the worst thing that can happen to a person who is having and acting on delusional thoughts. Last time this happened to me I ended up doing extraordinarily dangerous things and am lucky I didn't end up hurting anyone or myself. But I did end up for a month in a forensic psychiatric ward and charged with various crimes. I believed that people were spying inside my house and I was part of a global conspiracy to take over the world. It really depends on how far this goes how dangerous it can become. Once the boundary between real and unreal thoughts opens up.

I am only speaking for myself now, my own experience with the outcomes of paranoid psychosis.

Well, I left my therapist a voicemail earlier today around 10am. I told her I was concerned about "someone" planting cameras in my car and around my office building. Then we talked for a bit and she said, "I know you're fearful. Who do you think is doing this? Did someone threaten you?" I said, "No, no one threatened me. I'm concerned that you have planted cameras in my car and around the office building to make sure I take my rexulti." She promised me that she would never do that, and then she asked, "What did your psychiatrist say yesterday when he talked to you about rexulti?" I said, "He told me to take it." Then she said, "Is there a reason you don't want to take it anymore?" I said, "because it's not safe to take. I don't trust it." Then she offered to discuss this with me in person. So, I guess we're going to discuss it next week.

I still keep sensing a presence though. It's a supernatural force emitting energy that only I can feel right now. It's right above my shoulders on my neck area. I have to keep turning around to look because it's pestering me, but I can't physically see the force. It's just THERE. The energy... I can feel it. It won't leave me alone; it's like a leech that won't let go. It's been like this since 5:30am when I got to work.

I think I'll be ok with Lexapro and Ritalin together, even without an AP and a mood stabilizer.

I left work early today because the supernatural force was bothering me too much. I kept trying to type on my laptop, but I had to keep turning around. I just wasn't being productive.

Now that I'm at my apartment, though... I'm going to go outside and look through my car to check for cameras. Since I had covered everything with the blue tarp in my car, I'll just lift up the tarp and use my phone flashlight thing to investigate.

It's great you can talk to your therapist in between sessions. Did you share your fear that she and your pdoc are trying to control you with Rexulti and are not to be trusted?

No, I did not. I'm saving that for our in-person conversation. I want to figure out her (hidden) motives.

I did not find any cameras in my car yesterday, so I'm happy about that. (I spent a good half hour looking through every inch of my car, feeling the floors etc in case there were cameras attached.) However, that has nothing to do with the hidden cameras at work. They're hidden in the tiled ceiling and well, (1.) I can't reach the ceiling even on a chair because the ceilings must be at least 20ft high, and (2.) even if I could, people would be staring at me because they wouldn't understand.

The supernatural force has still been on my back, though, radiating energy. Even when I lie down in my bed or recline in my recliner, I can still feel it. It's there. Taking a shower last night helped so that I could go to sleep, but now it's back and it's bothering me again. I was panicking all night up until I took that shower at like 11pm.

Hi Blue,

I think I am not the only person on here who would say you are having psychotic symptoms and is worried about you.

Agreed. I'm just catching up here, and am VERY worried for you, blue. These thoughts and actions are not rational. I realize it is futile to try to convince you of this at such a time, but I cannot help but say it. As has been pointed out, we are here for you. Much, much

I will repeat myself.
I AM VERY WORRIED about you blue.
This is all psychosis that you are talking about.
You need the AP....before you hurt yourself or somebody else.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I am also very worried about you, as I mentioned before. I am glad you will talk to your therapist at least, but you might need to see her sooner than later. Please be honest with her about what you are thinking and what is going on. I have been feeling frightened of some people lately, although not to the degree you are describing. It is really hard to see through, so I do not blame you for not being able to trust people right now. I just wish there was some way we could convince you to get the help you need before this gets out of hand.

How are you feeling ?

I think I’m doing okay right now. Had a very boring day. Watched YouTube for the better part of the day and read some news. The supernatural force isn’t here right now. It’s been absent most of the day... so I’m pretty calm and relaxed.

I think I’m safe. I’m going to work tomorrow morning around 5:30am again.

I don’t see the need for an AP, as I think it’s the wrong med. Plus, it kills my personality.

Hi Blue,

Glad to hear you are getting a little break from the supernatural force and feel safe. That is so important.

Does the supernatural force make you feel unsafe?
Do you think the supernatural force is real?

Yes, the supernatural force makes me feel unsafe, as it likes to follow me and taunt me. It is definitely real. It hasn’t bothered me at all today, though. I don’t know where it went.

What if the supernatural force that makes you feel unsafe is not real but is a delusion? How do you determine what is real?

Do you still think your therapist and pdoc have hidden cameras to make sure you take your Rexulti because they want to control you?

It is real because I can feel its energy on my back.

As for the cameras: well, they’re definitely not in my car because I checked all of that, but I’m still wondering about work. I’ve been hiding in an enclave (meeting room) at work lately and doing work there, where I have assessed that there are NO cameras.

I don’t think they can do anything, though. I mean, what are they gonna do besides watch me? They can’t make me take it. NO ONE can.