I don't know why I'm posting

I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to burden my husband more than I already do. I don’t think I’m depressed but I’m sick of watching people be happy when smiling is hard for me.Not because I’m in a bad mood or anything it’s just I’m low key. Smiling is the closest to laughing I do and I’m not animated at all. Except when I take ambien (which I do not take unless it’s 3 am and I can’t fall asleep.). I’ve upped my Zyprexa, reduced my lamictal and elimited my prozac. I’m sick of meds but the head chater and SH thoughts are to much on the lower dose of Zyprexa. I can’t pay for my prozac and my pharmacy won’t even try to run my insurance for it because they insist insurance won’t pay for it. Grrr. I just want to sit and cry but I can’t even do that. My emotions are muted even off meds. I’m not charismatic like my husband. I can’t even get a t to like me and I pay them! I feel like a burden to everyone. Even when I was helping my sister I felt I hindered her more then helped. If I can’t talk no one can help. I haven’t been intimate in months because that requires touch and I don’t want that.Not a trigger just TMI IDK. I give up. I’ll coast for a little and see what to do when I want to fight again.

It doesn’t help that Miguel has to graduate next year or he forgoes his scholarship. He still hasn’t done testing to find out how to help him best. We’re getting a lot of negative feedback from my family. Everything from “He getting a useless degree” (web dev. But my family think wix will take over web dev.) to “Why are you doing a graduation party?” It’s so tiring and damages his relationship with my family. At least he has my husband’s family to be excited. I don’t know how to approach the topic with my family. He’ll be leaving for the summer beginning of May.

Lots of hugs. It sounds like you have a lot going on. I hope that you find the right meds for you. I find I’m very similar to you as far as smiling and laughter go. Are you an introvert?

Are you an introvert? Yes

How are you doing tonight?

Fiddling with your meds has never helped you.

Why do you continue this pattern ?

IDK, I don't feel bad. This is the first night I haven't been running around like a mad woman because Miguel graduation struck me out of nowhere. When he's already going to go to PA this summer and it only leaves a month to get everything together for his permit, internship and next semester of school. It's so much to get done.

I'm still mad at my parents and I don't see myself getting through this anger any time soon. They did offer to take him to PA to save us the plane fare which is super nice of them. I know they care but this is importation. I know they don't understand and are more worried about my sister and her kids.

My mom posted something on facebook and for the first time EVER I re-posted it and replied. I didn't post it on her post but my own. I've literally never done that before. I don't post things to my facebook ever. I have the things I'm tagged in and that's it. I have a squeaky clean facebook because I'm paranoid what people will think if I say my opinions. So I might just be getting cranky. My sister and I were just talking the other day we say TMI when we get upset. I she would have pushed the topic I would have told her things no parents want to know about how my family works. Maybe I'm starting to tip into hypo mania. However I just took an ambien and feel better.

Miguel is so burnt out though. I'm hoping summer will help. He wants to drop a class but can't . We don't have the money to pay for the course. His only option is to try his best to pass it.

Why do you continue this pattern ? I think changing it to real pills and decreasing my zyprexa was probably a bad idea. Also I couldn't pay for my prozac. My husband asked me last night whether I was taking my meds properly and I answered truthfully. I feel even if this was another illness I'd do the same. I just hate feeling like I'm in trouble because I have mental illness. I know I'm a horrible client. I know what I should do. I should call I can set up an appointment way out to be at the same day as one of them.

Fiddling with meds is a form out punishment at times, a form of rebellion, and just frustration and resentment at an alarm gong of and being "told" you have to take your meds. No control over your life. How many with bipolar resent being alive period? I'm sure the tweaking is as much because we wich for a better outcome as it is for the above reasons.

Maybe that's just me.

[QUOTE=PeterPandora;6487957]Fiddling with meds is a form out punishment at times, a form of rebellion, and just frustration and resentment at an alarm gong of and being "told" you have to take your meds. No control over your life. How many with bipolar resent being alive period? I'm sure the tweaking is as much because we wich for a better outcome as it is for the above reasons.

Maybe that's just me.[/QUOTE @PeterPandora;6487957
this sounds about right
bizi

How are you feeling today?

I'm prickly, I took anbien. The last couple o nights I've been waking up with huge amount .of anxiety all night. He wants sex to the point he's asking if we're okay. Am I okay. When I tell him I love you he asks if I'm sure.I give us 4-5 years. everyone would be shocked but If we can't sleep together we're just friends.

Miguel's mom, have you tried good rx for your prozac?

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No Sarah Sweets I haven't I assumed because they used their discount card it was as discounted as it could be. Thank-you.

MM-Also check rxoutreach.org They have deeply discounted prices on meds. A 30 day supply is $9 and 90 day $15 (ok, so you don't have to check unless you want to use it ).

I too have many times where my emotions are blunted. I simply do not react to anything anyone says or situations I find myself in. This causes me great distress and bothers those close to me. There are times where I can react appropriately but I cannot force myself to when blunted. I am so sorry you experience this too. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think it is solely because of my meds or illness. I think it is part of my personality too. I find myself reacting on the inside but cannot seem to draw it to the outside some times. I am working on it. Sometimes I fake it a bit and that helps draw a true reaction up. This doesn't always work but it is a start.

rxoutreach.org doesn't have the liquid version. I don't think it's my meds. It's just me. I'm broken. I learned what a quiet head felt like and I want quiet all the time. I wish this was easier.

So what changed since the quiet head?

I've become less outgoing and loud. I use to like going places because it was louder then my head. I didn't mind my husband being loud because it was easier to focus on. Now everything is too loud. It gives me panic attacks. I use to blare my music, now it's so low that no one but me can hear it, a step above mute. touch use to comfort me because it gave me something to focus on. now it's uncomfortable and I shrug it away. Hell even kissing his lips are too hot and I want to pull away. Like if you touched a hot stove. He's getting inpatient. I'm getting anxious.

It sounds like everything is overstimulating to you right now. I am sorry, that's such an uncomfortable state to be in. I think it's natural you would want space in that kind of situation. I hope things get better for you soon.

Hope you'll feel better soon. Can you think about establishing an identity beyond being Miguel's mom or is that what's overwhelming you?

I miss my sons, but I find I have more time to do what I want now that they aren't around all the time.

We just found a karaoke place. They let kids in because there a restaurant/bar but they have a bar that does it every night that is just adults. I found out yesterday he's loosing most of his friends. They're all getting busy. Where he schedules around his hangout times they can't/won't. Someone he liked shot him down HARD but at least they are still friends. Anyway we're looking at meet ups and things like that but it's expensive. I don't have enough to spend $20+ an outing because meet ups are at bars and restaurants. I'm not in a place that I don't really want to go out. Plus our car is crappy and needs to be fixed but I'm trying. I use to paint figurines and color. I have to start doing that again.