Trigger warning

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Ever have a hard time believing you did something? I was recently ip for 35 days for suicide ideation and psychosis. My dx was even changed to sza bipolar type, depressed episode.

While there I just wasn’t getting better despite med changes. One day I told my nurse how the voices made me want to hurt myself. They stripped my bed. Later I was isolating And laying in there. A tech brought me new linens without me asking.

I laid there a while Longer before attempting to hurt myself. Lame attempt I know but I was desperate. A tech came in and found me. They freaked. Took my vitals and my blood pressure was apparently way off. I was so dizzy I could barely talk. They almost called an ambulance (thank God no!)

I spent the rest of the day on precautions where I had to sit at the nurses station beside a nurse all day, I had to be escorted everywhere including to get a drink or pee. I had to stay in sight like that for several days.

I learned my lesson. It was shortly after that my pdoc suggested ECT. I agreed. I did 5 sessions inpatient and just did a 6Th maintenance outpatient and wS released. I can call pdoc for prn ect if I need it.

I just can’t believe I did that,

Stupid

Sorry to hear that, Hallie. But don't beat yourself up. You were unstable and in a bad place, and we often have skewed thought processes when we're like that.

What's most important is that you feel better, are getting the right treatment, and doing your best to stay healthy and happy.

I recommend developing a couple of healthy courses of action you could take if you ever feel yourself heading toward a situation like that again. You can work something out with your therapist to make sure he can help you stay safe when you need that safety. Your psychiatrist can help, too. Then you'll have the proper "tools" to help you stay safe, even in a hospital/IP situation. Good luck

I felt and still feel so shameful for my behavior during my episode. I simply cannot figure out how my brain got so out of control so quickly. Sometimes I think there just are no good answers for our behavior when we are in these kinds of states. We just have to forgive ourselves and be thankful it didn't end worse than it did. I could have ended up dead and I am so grateful to the people who dealt with me when I was insane. They kept me alive and safe. I don't have names for most of them and I don't even remember their faces, but they are heroes to me.

The thing I feel most ashamed for is using the hospital for comfort when I was a teenager. I looooved the hospital because it was a place where I didn’t have to deal with my real life. I once had my grandmother pay $5000 just so I could go to my preferred hospital when I didn’t have insurance. How many bills I must have racked up going to the hospital so many times! And I was only 19, so I had no clue about medical bills. I feel so ashamed for it. Nowadays I only go IP if I’m truly unsafe. Especially because I have a son to care for. It’s not a vacation for me anymore.

HallieBeth I'm so glad you didn't succeed!! I'll echo bluebicycle's thoughts. They are well-put. Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself -- please don't beat yourself up about it, ok?

Thank you for the support that was really bothering me

I think it’s because I slept so poorly but I’m really run down and depressed today .

I wish that I were a better friend and more able to check in with you more often. You are such a cool person, that happens to have some difficulties. My own get in the way far too often
I admire that you had the courage for ECT. My prescriber keeps talking me out of it, primarily because I live alone.

I’m
Just very sad

Me too, Halliebeth. Me too

Your sadness could just be your body recovering from your last ECT ?

I wouldn’t worry to much about feeling down here and there it’s common. Unless it becomes a daily thing , try to just go about your daily life.

Today I am sick. And I’m still feeling depressed.

I hope you feel better soon

so sorry about all this. 35 days in the hospital! I don't think that happens much, where I live. the few private places max it out @ 30, if that...the state run facility tries to medicate (heavily) and get people out, then they're put on those injections, by court order I think...

ugh. i honestly think hospitals can make some people worse, not better. :-(

hope things get better for you. :-)

Thanks everyone