My summer

So I can't shake the feeling that my family hates me and wants me dead. It's very painful. My husband insists I'm probably depressed because of how teary I became yesterday. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm trying to learn to live with it. Therapy doesn't work for me and meds mute me. Miguel should be at his grandma's by tonight. I'll feel much better then (hopefully) because I worry about my family getting into driving accidents. I've been trying to sleep but with my anxiety it's not working. My sister is on her way here. My house is trashed, I haven't showered in days. I really need to find motivation. I would like to one day work but I'm hesident to even volunteer an hour. I want to help I just don't know how to present information in a fun way.

Miguel made it. Things turned dark last night. My husband mentioned the hospital. I will get through this fine. I'm seriously thinking of going back on the abilify shot. I don't know how to convince a dr to let me do that. I don't want to explain my thoughts to a dr. They wont trust me to keep myself safe. I can do this.

After today (the last day) I will not be volunteering with the co-op. Even 12 hrs is too much.

We had a long conversation last night. My husband wants me back on meds . He doesn't think my anxiety and paranoia will end without me on meds. My anxiety is bad. I took zyprexa this morning. I told him I don't want to explain myself to the pdoc. Plus any odt needs prior authorization. I think they'll make a big deal about my psychosis when I can just ignore it but the anxiety is killing me.

I think going back on meds is a good idea. Sure you'll be muted, but you won't have to put up with this depression, the psychosis, or the anxiety. At least not to the extent that you are right now. You sound like you're really suffering.

Sending big hugs. I agree that meds may be a good idea. When I am off my meds I look at them as being a bad thing but when I go back on I am thankful for the relief

take the meds save your marriage. You guys are a team. trust him....
bizi sorry it is so hard for you.
I don't know what ODT means.
bizi

ODT is Disolvable medication. Me swallowing **** doesn't work out. My marriage isn't in trouble because of me not taking meds. We're not fighting. He knows what I feel and that's it. There's no use arguing about it or anything.

You have probably tried this already but I have found taking my meds with chocolate milk makes it much more bearable. Its kinda like they dissapear into it instead of touching my mouth and tasting bad in water or any other thin liquid. I also started getting a week worth ready at a time so the smell isnt so overwhelming and making me want to vomit every time(although my family says they smell like vanilla, they smell horrible to me)

I took meds with chocolate milk for a while. Now I can't drink chocolate milk or I gag. Same with pudding and yogurt.

have you tried applesauce?
bizi

Yeah, I just suck at taking medication. We ground it and put it in yogurt and that worked okay for over a month but in the end I was to embarrassed to ask for help and 8 oz of yogurt is a lot for me. We're suppose to see H's T tomorrow but I don't think that's happening. I can't force him to go. It's not like I want to go anyway. I mean I know how my current thoughts sound. I really don't want to have a conversation with her about them. (I go into T with him and there is stuff she wants to talk to me about next time she sees me. I wasn't there last time.)

Just a thought, can you take several small doses rather than have it all mixed with the one item?
I can only imagine what it must taste like, but for instance bowel prep, they say mix with water. GAG! Mixing it with cold lemonade and sipping it over a period of time works for me.

The other thing is drink it through a straw. It misses a lot of the taste buds and hits the back of your throat, making it easier too

So we went to his T. He talked about my nephew. (Who is staying with us over the summer).

So can psychosis go away on it's own or am I just doomed for it to get worse?

Watching you over the years dealing with psychosis it just gets worse until you finally break down and get back to taking meds regularly.

I wish you didn’t constantly sabatage yourself and wind up being very unwell.

Stay safe

My husband wants me to see his T. His T can only see each client maybe every 3 weeks. Plus that's his T. He thinks I need to build a relationship with a T like my WV T. Through writing and him coming voicing his concerns every now and then. That feels icky. He wants me back on meds. I need a therapist I can see regularly that I'm not quiet with. That I don't feel like I'm going to get in trouble or locked away or force fed meds. Most therapists wont work with me off meds. Am I really that ****ed? My husband's T did say she'd work with me but IDK. Do I go to the clinic that can see me 1x/wk or stick with my clinic? The people are nice at my clinic. I was thinking about giving my ex-T another shot but I'm afraid of people and worry if I'm honest I'll be forced IP. I don't want to waste people's time especially when other people need those spots.

I'm going from I'm fine to I'm really unwell to the things my head is saying is true to WTF. Do you think going to therapy to talk about therapy being an option is an option? Would I have to say all the f'd up things that are going on in my head? wouldn't they just say it would because they're therapists? I have no one to talk to.

Many T’s don’t like to work with unmedicated people because it can just be pointless if a person is “ chronically unwell” how can they learn coping skills and strategy’s ?

Back in my 20’s I was diagnosed depressed which I most certainly was. I worked for a ALF and we had a Pdoc that came to treat many elderly patients. So he agreed that I needed meds and told me upfront he wasn’t going to waste my time with CBT until the meds started to help me so 2 meds and about 6 weeks later CBT began. I was able to actually participate in it and started learning how to help myself.

I’m not saying don’t get a T now, certainly get one lined up and going but as always I think things circle back to your unwillingness to stick to a medication regimen. I know you can’t remember but you have been wonderfully stable in the past but only when your compliant.

I think this will always be a way you go about life. Sure it’s not ideal but if it’s your nature then it’s just who you are and will likely just continue this patten.

I wish you would follow a treatment plan. I think you could find stability and be content and enjoy life and your family.

Take care

Meds make me so quiet and withdrawn. The zyprexa sucked, almost killed my marriage, not that this is helping it. I would love to be happy and stable but often I'm empty and stable. My husband insists on calling the Pdoc Monday. I wish there was something that could be done about my anxiety. I don't want to explain to the pdoc what is going on. I didn't even tell her about the zyprexa side effects. Now she's going to think I'm making them up. My new insurance sucks, the new pharmacy sucks. I don't want to deal with medication. I'm not manic or depressed just think my family wants me dead. Which wouldn't be all that dangerous if I didn't want to prove them wrong. You wouldn't know my thinking was off in everyday life and I know it's off so is that even psychosis? I wish it was easier to get the shot. I'm sorry I'm talking so much. I'm isolated and here is my only outlet.

You can't carry on thinking your family wants you dead. That is clearly unhealthy. Getting out of that state of mind will require you to be honest about it with a pdoc. A therapist would be helpful too, but you probably need both.

I know you mentioned the meds make you feel empty. Maybe the same will happen this time around, but it might be worth the risk to help adjust your thoughts to a more stable pattern. Perhaps the meds can then be adjusted by a pdoc once you get out of psychosis.

Try to be as honest as you can. The meds are a match to your symptoms and it is hard for your pdoc to get it right if you withhold critical information.

4 pm today pdoc. Tomorrow ex-T. I'm so scared I'm nauseous. I don't want to do this.

4 hrs. eek

Sending good thoughts for a decent outcome for you.
bizi

Sending well wishes. You've got this! One step at a time.

1 hour before I leave. eek