Anyone better?

Follows is a little off-the-cuff poem that came to me.

I'm alive but not living.
I'm breathing but feel dead.
I'm taking the g-- d---- meds, but
I'm still out of my g-- d---- head.
I think I'm going to pour a drink.
I think I'm going to try not to think.
I think I've tried it all, yet
I think I'm going to the g-- d---- brink.
I'm alive but not living.

Love your poem. Im trying so hard to live and not just be alive. Its sooooo hard. Everyone said hello to me today. One person on the street even tried to get my number because I feel sooooo hot and it shows. I -almost gave it to them but I was sober still so my better judgment kicked in. Who the f am I? This seems to be the best but its so dangerous. Alcohol keeps me down for a while. But tries to kill me so fast i dont even care. H will be shocked at how drunk I am.when he comes home from work. Im glad I told him aheqd of time.

Hello Sorry Shaped. This is a wonderful thread and I thank you for asking if others are getting better. I myself am getting better, slowly with work, over time. If I compared myself day to day or even week to week, I would feel as though I am not improving. But when I compare to 5, 10, 15, or 20 years ago I am ideeed much better. More work to do of course!

I don't know if that helps you. Feel free to PM me any time of you'd like to discuss further or would just like a hug or empathy. And please know that I remember what hell feels like and have been there more than once...you have my empathy...you are not alone. I understand very well what you mean by "alive but not living."

Thank you for the beautiful poem!
Peace and hope to you.

Hmm. Compared to five years ago... Ok. Huge changes. You got me, there. I'm very grateful I'm not him (me, five years ago). I feel crappy, for the now. I've got to stop experiencing pain so deeply because I'm losing the chances of feeling pleasure in it.

Maybe since you have improved significantly in 5 years, in another 5 years (or 1 or 2) you'll be feeling even better? I know you want to be happy right now. Completely understandable and natural. I wish I was happy right now too. But I think for many (or most?) of us happiness takes work and time and practice.

How do you feel about mindfulness and meditation? They help me to create at least some joy for myself each day.

Could you try an exercise....write down all the ways in which you are doing better now compared with 5 years ago? Then pick 3 specific things you'd like to change for the better in the next year or several.

Sorry you are experiencing deep pain SorryShaped

Mindfulness is something I need to practice a lot more. I've been so scattered I can't think straight. Possibly the caffeine intake is too high, just enough to stay awake for me is probably dangerous as well.
I do meditate, in yoga class, and sometimes out of, but I'm terrible at it lately too.
I'm going to bed tonight with a glimmer of hope, because I know I'm not that proverbial him.

Even a glimmer of hope can carry you a long way. May it grow and grow!

Maybe try some guided meditation to get you back into the habit or help you feel less scattered? Even a few minutes in the morning and at night each day to get a routine going. There's a really nice guided one I like about hope and imagining one's life as a film with all sorts of dramatic scenes....I find that comforting. Then you imagine yourself stepping out of the film and watching it.

That would be a Titanic-level tragedy...
Really though, it wouldn't. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have come a distance. I might get better again.

How about telling yourself that you will get better again? There is research indicating that our bodies and minds respond to messages like that. Just one example: people with pre-cancerous cells who say "I'm sure I'm going to get cancer" are more likely to develop cancer than those who say "It's not cancer. I'm not going to get cancer. I'll just keep an eye on it."

One study found that people who wrote down 5 things for which they are grateful each day exhibited a 25% increase in subjective level of happiness after 3 months. Subjective as in their own self-report...how they felt....which is all that matters, right?