[compay2]

To whom may concern,

(This is the Bipolar thread, but I also suffer from BPD... and don't really know which of the two is acting up right now)...

I feel so horrible... I used to do a lot of drugs back in the day. But I have genuinely lost interest in them. Specially considering my diagnoses...

Well, some friends begged me to do magic mushrooms with them last Saturday... And it ****ing sucked.... Ever since I quit drugs I've been able to trip on mushrooms every now and then. And even when I have a bad trip I don't feel as enraged as I did from last Saturday... I was having like a really healing inward trip. And these idiots would insist on talking to me. I would move and they would follow.

Me: I want to do the alone thing for a while.

Them: What's wrong? You bad tripping?

Me: No, not at all. Just don't wanna talk for a little while

Them: Hey do the story about that thing from the other day. Hey why doesn't he wanna talk? Blah, blah, blah.

And yesterday was mother's day in my country. I feel so enraged towards my mother. I had to move in back with her a few years ago. Mainly because I didn't do so well economically. I'm 31.

She has the cycles of a narcissist. Two hours we'll be laughing and getting along. The next two hours she'll be making me feel like I'm the worst piece of **** to have ever been born.

And I can't really be mad at her. Not really. She lived through one of the worst dictatorships of Latin America, in what already is a bad history of dictators. I'm talking like, Top 2 worst dictators. She was only a child, but she lived through her father, my grandfather, being imprisoned and brutally tortured. So were many of my grandfather's cousins.

But to sabotage herself my mother sabotages me. Whenever I land a gig, any gig, she asks for all the money I make... I was teaching go (chinese chess). An interest for the game is growing in my country. I had made enough money to buy a professional go board. She took all my money. My students went with the teachers who had the good boards. That aesthetic acoustics of hitting the stones on the board is a big part of the whole mystique of the game.

I was offered a job as a park ranger. Where I could write (I'm a poet/writer). I'm a big fan of Thoreau. It was something like that. She threatened to lock me up if I accepted the job. Which she would do, as she has before, no doubt about it.

She wants me to get jobs that go against my principles... Like advertising... Sorry if there are any advertisers reading this... But the whole thing goes against my core moral values.

Some politican friends offered me a 'botella'; a botella is job where you get paid and don't have to work. It's very common in my government. It's also against the law. I was outraged. Of course I'm not taking a ****ing botella. My mother lost it. She wanted me to take it.

I have been thinking about the big End... if you know what I mean... I know it's against the rules of the forum to leave good-bye notes and this is not such a note... But please help me.... What am I living for?

I feel like it's my karma, for lack of a better word, to have people more arrogant than myself tell me I'm arrogant. My mother is one of them.

My best friend is another one of them. He is one of the biggest copy cats in history. We've always had this problem. I want to be a physicist, he wants to be one. I want to be a mathematician, he wants to be one. When we were teenagers I was famous in our high school for being a great poet and writer. He came to me crying and confessing all his envy. He wanted to write like me and imitate me. He did... Eventually, after me being a prodigy at math (which he also wanted to be), I ended up studying psychology. I decided I was going to be a Paris-styled psychoanalyst. So this guy has the same eccentric idiosincracies as I do? Going from pure math to clinical psychology? So it seems. He studied the same thing. While at it he starts bullying me. Thing is my friend is much better off financially than I am. I got left behind with bipolar disorder. I had to quit school for a while to get treated.

I don't know if any of you know what it takes to be a psychoanalyst. You have to get a PhD in psychoanalysis, and be analyzed by a professional psychoanalyst. There's only one such person in my country. My friend told me that since I had dropped out of school he had met that psychoanalyst. He told me this guy was "super humble". Told me a story about how he saw him give such a humble talk. He came after another speaker, who while introducing himself mentioned three or four of his master's degrees. Then the humble psychoanalyst just said "I'm a psychoanalyst". Wow, how humble. That's the lesson of humility my friend wanted to give to me.

So my friend goes off to Paris to study psychoanalysis. As I said I got left behind... At one point it became clear to me that I didn't have the money to pursue that dream. So I decided I was going to study political science. My friend, who was already in Paris 3 years deep into Freud, decided he wanted to be a political scientist.

You might ask why I'm still friends with this guy... I ask myself the same thing... Well, with the whole BPD thing I'm usually careful about dropping friends. This guy is not all bad. He can be a very loyal friend when needed. His family was also persecuted by the same dictator, which is a nice thing to have in common with someone.

A few years ago I confronted my friend. He was sort of exposed in the public eye as a copy cat. And guess who helped him out? I did. I told him that wasn't something I wanted to have on him to extort him. Just wanted him to be conscious of it. Even gave him a big WW2 coffee table book, with an inscription reading that I was very influential on many interesting people. Which is true, and which he can show to his own bullies.

For a while we were ok. He still lives abroad. Last time he came to visit, he did so for a few weeks. Had no time to visit me. Any BPDs here will now that ****ing sucks. We have abandonment issues. My friend should know that too since he's a psychologist. There's no truest hypocrite than a rich hypocrite.

So, I have no money... In my country I'm the poster child for genius, and still can't get a job to save my life.

I also have the worst luck in love. After years of search I met a super interesting girl... Problem is I don't have the money to court her right now. She's a super feminist and insisted on paying half of our one date... It was still too much for me.

The straw that broke the camel's back is that

Possible trigger:

while I was thinking about reasons why not to kill myself

, I decided to buy a big bottle of soda. I have given up everything. I usted to smoke cigs like a lunatic. Two packs a day++. I have years without smoking. Gave up drugs and alcohol. So first my mother says it's ok for me to buy the soda. Then when she sees the soda, she loses it. It wasn't bigger than she expected or anything... She said I had the right to drink soda. I hadn't drank soda in years. Last minute she decided it wasn't cool. She had a temper tantrum and drank more than half of my soda...

What do I live for? I feel proud of myself for having chosen to become a poet, years back when I did... But my circumstances are not very good.

Please help me cope and/or escape.

[Skeezyks]

Hello compay: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. There is also a forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of BPD. Here's a link to that one:

https://psychcentralforums.com/borde...lity-disorder/

You may also find the work & careers forum to be of interest:

https://psychcentralforums.com/work-and-careers/

And then here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that hopefully may be of some help in putting this all into perspective:

In-Depth: Living with Bipolar Disorder

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...can-teach-you/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Daonnachd]

¡Bienvenido! I want to welcome you, too.

[Wander]

Welcome to PC. With a triggering post like this you may not get many comments (and please don't feel bad about that), but there are a lot of caring people here so keep posting here, on other posts, or create new posts.

As for your situation you have my deepest sympathies. It hurts to hear you are going through so much. I don't have any solutions for you as it is such a complex situation but staying alive should be your number one priority. You seem like a beautiful soul who has suffered too much.

Not to compare suffering but I have had times in my life that were a perfect storm of hellish events and illness. A few years ago I was trapped living with my husband (now ex) and his parents. I was extremely ill both physically and mentally and wasn't getting the help I needed. On top of that the parents, especially the father, were psychologically abusive to me. The father is a narcissist but I had no idea then. I was isolated, immobilised and removed from all my support network. Eventually it was too much and I attempted suicide. This only made their treatment of me worse. My husband was under their spell and couldn't see what was happening. He refused to move out and I didn't want to leave him.

Now, eight years after leaving that place, I have begun finding a new life and a sense of peace and thankfulness that I survived. I guess what I am saying is don't give up. Problem solve, keep writing even if it only for yourself, cling on to what hope you can find.

[compay2]

Thank you friends for that warm welcome. Gracias. I understand about the trigger warning. Thank you so much for your kind words.