Lost

I'm no longer depressed, but I don't feel myself. I'm conflicted, yearning to be with family, but disinterested in all activities. I used to be an avid reader and voracious learner. Now, not only do I not read, but I can't recall basic knowledge. I'm lost. My memories and connections are gone. I'm on the edge of empty space.

Maybe this will wear off? It sounds unfun.

It's strange because this morning was so good. The thing is ECT has taken a lot away from me and today I've had time to think about what I've lost. I think that's the root of what I'm feeling.

As if ECT weren't enough torture on your brain, bipolar itself is too. Bipolar meds have done major damage to my liver. Its just rotten. Without meds Im manic or suicidal. Meh.

I am sorry, that must be really tough. I have had some memory problems in my adult life and it's probably milder but it makes me feel disconnected from myself and identity a bit. Do you journal at all? Maybe writing things down so you can keep track of your day to day life and reflect back on it might help? Are there any activities that don't require too much learning, like perhaps volunteering, that could make you feel like you are presently connected? What about audio books if you can't read right now? I am just throwing some ideas out there in case anything seems useful, although mostly just want to say sorry you are experiencing this.

Thank you, Yellow Fleurs, for the ideas and the expression of concern. I appreciate it.

I did 15 sessions of ect and it really messed with me. Meds were only thing that made me better

I’m sorry your feeling this way. I have never had ECT so I can only imagine how it feels and what it takes from you. I agree that writing things down might be helpful.

Give yourself a big pat on the back , your response in the daily check in showed you have had a busy productive day.

I really have no grand advice , I feel for you when you post about the struggles you face with ECT. The sun is shining and I hope you find some stability and just enjoy days where Bipolar is in the back ground and not front stage.

I’ve had a similar feeling due to ECT, but I haven’t had as much as you have. After my last bout of 12 sessions it went so badly that I’ve refused to have it again. That was November last year and my brain is still struggling. My memory is bad, both storing and recalling. Of course meds can do this to people too.

I can understand why you would feel so lost. You have had so many more sessions than I. Is it the only treatment option you have left? I believe that in most cases our brains can heal. Have you heard of Neuro-plasticity? There are memory games we can play to help repair our brains. I am currently looking into this myself. Hang in there. There is hope you won’t feel so lost.

I have no advise, only hugs. Hope you come around to feeling like yourself soon.