Dark

The disease is getting to me again. I am buried under a dark blue-black tar -- and I cannot find my way out. I want to wish these feelings away. Wishing won't get you anywhere, right? There will always be someone there to say, "Be grateful you even have what you have. Stop feeling this way." Pretty invalidating, right? That's how the world is. People will always be disappointed and make you feel like ****, no matter who they are because every single human being can harbor hate within their soul. The people with the tiniest voice or the frame of 4'9 -- they can hurt you just as much, too. Anyone can.

As much as I'd like to feel sorry for myself, I really can't do that anymore without feeling guilty. People like to push rage and guilt upon me. Easier to blame, others, right? That's what most think. "Accept your fault. Accept your role. It's all your fault. Blame yourself until you feel so impure you feel disgusted at the sound of your own voice." The world sickens me, and I am tired of trying. I'm here for no one but myself and those I choose, sorry if you don't like it. I am no longer trying to impress anyone. That gets me nowhere in life. It would be easier to write people off and blame everyone's problems but I'm just doing what everyone tells me to do -- blame myself. I do blame others to an extent, for the rage and guilt they push oh so forcefully on me.

What is this? I am pretty angry. full of rage, even. I am sad a bit as well, I can't turn it on and off like a ******* switch, stop telling me to be grateful, stop, I've **** mental health, don't tell me to be grateful. I've never said that to anyone, ever. I have never told people to accept their role or faults in situations or to blame themselves. Do I deserve a medal? No. I'm just saying, stop saying **** like that. I don't give a flying ******* **** in the whole world if people think "I'm helping the ****-up!" No, no, you don't get to do that, you do not get to ****ing ******** me, tell me to be grateful, accept my fault, no, no, no, you don't get to do that!

The dark is taking over me again. And at the end of the night, I will always be alone, oh, so pity, laugh at me, go ahead and ****ing laugh. I hate that too. Don't laugh at me, don't mock me, I hate it all. In my head, I still hear the laughs, mocks, tauntings of those who I wish to forget. I am tired of people telling me **** that I know, telling me **** about myself they don't have a ******* clue of what I'm going through. Maybe they do, and they would rather laugh at me than accept their own problems. Too many times... too many times people do such things. There are bad minds in the world. Maybe I have one of those, but I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I don't deserve a ******* trophy or anything, that's not what I'm saying, I'm also not telling anyone to be like me, either, that'd be even odder.

I can't type without my thoughts being interrupted by what someone may think. So please kindly **** off if you're going to intrude, because I don't feel like dealing with your **** right now, this is a post pooling out my thoughts as I've done many times before... and it helps, lifts a weight off my shoulders, somewhat. One of the good things about posting here.

The pleasures in life are as great as a dog's bark or the scent of a pretty flower. I miss those days when I could appreciate the small things. I suppose I can sometimes, but when full of feelings as I am now, I feel very alone and it's hard to notice the good things. I am happy for you all who seem okay. You deserve it, the kind people on here.

I have many regrets and it seems in my darkest hour I notice them all. I am an aware being at this hour, there is nothing I cannot miss about myself. It seems that way, anyway.

Long post, huh? Thanks for reading if you do. I don't think I've ever typed one this long. Lately, I've been careful of triggers which is why the last few posts I've made all have trigger icons. I can never be sure how to title these... which is why I have one-word titles for a lot of my recent posts. Quite quaint, isn't it? To have so many similar posts -- many with one-word titles. Oh well... they look alright, don't they? They look fine.

I won't laugh at you and I won't mock you, sadveiledbride, my friend Your problems and feelings are ALL very real and very valid. I'm here to validate your feelings and if there's ANYTHING I can do to help you PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me through PM or chat. You are important and you matter, no matter what other people may say or think. I'm so sorry that you have to go through ALL of this You're the last person in the world who deserves such a burden, my friend I know you and I know that you will get through this like you've always done. Please don't you EVER give up hope, friend. Hang in there. It gets easier. I'm sure of that. I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL of this suffering, sadveiledbride, my AWESOME, caring, dear and sweet friend! .sadhug:

I am sorry you've been having such a rough time.
I hope you can see some light at the ed of the tunnel?
Please keep us up-to-date on how you are doing?

You don't have to take anything from anyone.
Cry if you want. Stamp up and down... I do
And I don't care who knows.
It's my life as it is your life.
Dark times come and go
It doesn't matter how little your voice is .it is what you say with it that counts.
Don't sit on the hurt you feel
Shout put because it will save you years of talking in circles.

Life needs to be lived.

J