[franz kafka]

I think I might have some trauma left over from my 15+ hospitalizations over the past 5 years. I've been having flashbacks when I get my blood drawn for clozapine. Same thing happened when I visited a seniors' assisted living facility. The smells and environment there brought me back to the hospital.

I only very closely avoided hospitalization in June/July, and I'm so grateful for that. The loss of autonomy during previous stays has been traumatic for me and I'm only now realizing how much.

It's complicated, though, because in a way I appreciated the hospital for keeping me safe. I went in when my SI was very dangerous. During those times it was a relief to have decisions - such as whether to live or die - taken out of my hands. I'm ambivalent.

Anyone here relate?

[Moose72]

Each hospital stay Ive had has had its own flavor- especially since some were different hospitals. I sometimes had no idea where I was or what was going on- that was the trip out of the county and when I was depressed. I didn't even realize I was depressed. I also narrowly avoided hospitalization when manic back in April/May.

I've had about as many hospitalizations as you in the same time span, and while I don't have full on flashbacks, I do NOT look at some of my hospitalizations positively--particularly the ones where I was restrained both physically and chemically.

[fern46]

I have flashbacks often. I'm triggered by a number of things. A lot of my time in the hospital was positive, but there are a few experiences that make me quite sad when I replay them in my mind.

It is good to hear from you. It seems like you're feeling better than you were a month or so ago.

[Wander]

My many hospitalisations have traumatised me, especially the one in February this year when I was mixed/psychotic. I have experienced flashbacks which can be very stressful. A month ago I was hospitalised for SI and PTSD/mixed symptoms. Being in hospital again freaked me out so I raced to get discharged. This led to me leaving too soon and struggling intensely when I got home. Now I’m doing all I can to not be hospitalised again. Still, I would put myself through it again to keep myself alive. That is the most important thing.

I had 10 hospitalizations that happened over a 3.5 year period, years back. I did experience some trauma as a result of that period of my life. I know that hospitalization periods were particularly bad, but in my case, I see it more as my illness that caused the trauma and not the hospitalizations themselves, though I know the opposite is the case, for some. I was dragged into isolation rooms at least a few times (the time is blurry) and injected and locked in the room for periods. I also had a period so bad that a guard sat out in front of my single room and followed me around the ward. I know that my worst episodes were at their worst when I was in the hospital. My thinking was particularly out of control then.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I have been to the hospital
Over 20 times in the last 10 years and I am
Ashamed. I know
I shouldn’t be but I am.

I do all i can to avoid ip but sometimes my psyd tells me I need the help. He even sent me
Straight from
His office once