[fern46]

I thought about posting this in the Physical Check-In thread, but I feel it warrants its own discussion.

I was discussing my episode with my therapist today and how I felt like my subconscious mind was turned inside out and on full display while I was psychotic. I went on to describe how all of my childhood, teenage and adult trauma came spewing out in a confusing and twisted mess of words and actions. My therapist agreed and said it was like I vomited up or purged everything that ever hurt me. She said while it was traumatic, she could also see how it was my body and spirit's way of forcing those wounds to the surface so that they could be healed. She said without that healing my mind and my body would break down further.

I ran across this article today after I got home. I feel it is right in line with what I discussed in therapy. I was essentially dying on the inside and my mind was screaming at me to wake up, pay attention, and fix what is broken. I know some are adverse to psychotherapy, but the body mind connection is powerful and shouldn't be ignored. This is a great read if you can spare 15 min today.

How Psychological Injuries Cause Physical Illness—And How Therapy Can Heal It - Mad In America

Hi Fern46. I am new here. I read your post and the article. It reminded me of van der Kolk's book on "The Body Keeps the Score" (though I have never read it ... yet) and ACE studies research (I have read a ton of those articles on adverse childhood experiences). Yes, there is a strong correlation between trauma/stress (including emotional trauma) and our bodies. This does not mean our fate is sealed by those predictions, however. We can heal our minds and our bodies at the same time, but it is a long and arduous process, or so it seems.

I have had brainspotting therapy that exacted similar memory flooding that you described. It is like emdr, I think. I did not do so well though. But I learned more about my pain and traumas. I also learned about what body parts tense up. My headaches worsen a few hours later, and then the fatigue settles in. I have irritable bowel syndrome and chronic fatigue, which the VA asserts that they are connected to the military sexual trauma I had experienced. I have also had childhood and adulthood traumas outside of the military. All of those cascading, cumulative traumas took a toll on my physical health. Nevertheless, I do what I can to heal my body and my mind, face and contain without avoiding or denying, and grounding myself to good things within reach, sight, or sound.

I wish you well on your healing journey.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by lillib

Hi Fern46. I am new here. I read your post and the article. It reminded me of van der Kolk's book on "The Body Keeps the Score" (though I have never read it ... yet) and ACE studies research (I have read a ton of those articles on adverse childhood experiences). Yes, there is a strong correlation between trauma/stress (including emotional trauma) and our bodies. This does not mean our fate is sealed by those predictions, however. We can heal our minds and our bodies at the same time, but it is a long and arduous process, or so it seems.

I have had brainspotting therapy that exacted similar memory flooding that you described. It is like emdr, I think. I did not do so well though. But I learned more about my pain and traumas. I also learned about what body parts tense up. My headaches worsen a few hours later, and then the fatigue settles in. I have irritable bowel syndrome and chronic fatigue, which the VA asserts that they are connected to the military sexual trauma I had experienced. I have also had childhood and adulthood traumas outside of the military. All of those cascading, cumulative traumas took a toll on my physical health. Nevertheless, I do what I can to heal my body and my mind, face and contain without avoiding or denying, and grounding myself to good things within reach, sight, or sound.

I wish you well on your healing journey.

Yes, exactly! It does not seal our fate and we can heal. I have believed in the connection for a long time. I used to say when I was a child I could think myself sick when I was really stressed out. The notion that traumas can lead to physical pain makes a lot of sense to me. In my case it also led to mental breakdown.

You're doing amazing work to face your trauma and process as best you can. Very inspiring. Thanks for the well wishes. It hard to face trauma that you didn't see coming, but it can also be healed.

Welcome to PC. Thanks for a thoughtful response. I hope to see you around.

[fern46]

I should also add, I believe a lot of physical illness is out of our control. Sometimes we just get sick or injured and there is no correlation. Many are struggling through real and detrimental physical struggles that cannot be healed by processing emotional trauma. However, I think doing our best to heal emotional injuries sets our bodies up to fight illness as best we can.

[*Beth*]

I was forced into IP almost a year ago and my only daughter (we were very close) has not communicated with me since. Her behavior has torn me apart, although I am doing my best to do well. But I have never had any time in my life in which I have had more injuries and chronic physical pain. It's kind-of scary. It seems that the psychological pain is trying to manifest itself as physical.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I was forced into IP almost a year ago and my only daughter (we were very close) has not communicated with me since. Her behavior has torn me apart, although I am doing my best to do well. But I have never had any time in my life in which I have had more injuries and chronic physical pain. It's kind-of scary. It seems that the psychological pain is trying to manifest itself as physical.

I hold hope that you and your daughter will reconnect one day. My mother and I were very close and she pushed me out of her life after she had a manic episode and an IP stay. It broke me and I struggled with it for years. I know she was in a lot of pain over it as well, but she did what she thought was best for her at the time. We very recently reconnected and we are finding our way back to being close again. Maybe the same will happen for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I know how shattering it can be. My only advice is to fully grieve this loss and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Don't forget to hold gratitude for the relationships you have still and for the good times you shared with your daughter in the past. I wish you healing on all fronts.

[*Beth*]

How incredibly kind and decent your post to me is, fern. Of all the possible situations in life I never dreamed that my daughter and I would ever be anything but the dearest of friends - as we always were (in addition to being mother and daughter).

Your experience is interesting...that your mom cut off contact with you, not vice-versa. I thank you for sharing your experience with me.

I continue to send things to her by post, since that's the only way I have to communicate with her. She has never responded. It's been 11 months, so far. I am shattered and grieving every moment, even in my sleep. But one tremendously wonderful thing that's come from our estrangement is that my son and I have become much closer. So perhaps that's what this is all about, ultimately.

Thank you

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BethRags

How incredibly kind and decent your post to me is, fern. Of all the possible situations in life I never dreamed that my daughter and I would ever be anything but the dearest of friends - as we always were (in addition to being mother and daughter).

Your experience is interesting...that your mom cut off contact with you, not vice-versa. I thank you for sharing your experience with me.

I continue to send things to her by post, since that's the only way I have to communicate with her. She has never responded. It's been 11 months, so far. I am shattered and grieving every moment, even in my sleep. But one tremendously wonderful thing that's come from our estrangement is that my son and I have become much closer. So perhaps that's what this is all about, ultimately.

Thank you

You're welcome. It was interesting for me to experience. I was a young adult when it happened, but it was very disturbing for me to be abandoned by a parent. She was going through an incredibly difficult time and she didn't want to accept she was bipolar. I was very scared for her and begged her to seek treatment. I triggered her and she asked me to let her go. It turned out she was most likely right. She was manic, but that was over 15 years ago and she has been stable ever since. It is likely that she is not bipolar. She could have fought to prove that differently, but I understand why she went out 'kicking and screaming like she did'. She felt like she was fighting for her life and anyone who got in the way was pushed aside. It was incredibly desperate, but her mind and her life completely fell apart. I can now appreciate the choices she made even though I wish things had gone differently.

Fast forward 16 years and I lose my own mind in a psychotic episode. Many of the things that happened to her happened to me. I was scared of falling apart the way she did and my exact fears were realized. I too was diagnosed as bipolar even though a lot of it didnt fit. I went with it though and sought treatment. I did my best to be as healthy as possible and changed my life without pushing everyone away. My doctors noticed something about my case was different in time and they now question my diagnosis. They are taking me off meds and I hope to be stable for a long time the way my mother has. My mom supported me the whole way even though I made very different choices than she did. Same road, but she took a car and I learned to fly by watching her. I'm very grateful to her. She did the best she could and she inspires me to do the best I can all the time.

She and I were very good friends when this all happened. I lost a mother and a best friend. Like I mentioned I was very afraid of getting sick myself. Part of me wonders if your daughter is atruggling with that herself. Give it time. There's still a tremendous amount of love there. It morphs, but it doesn't die. Hold onto hope Beth!

[yellow_fleurs]

Thanks Fern and the others who shared their stories here. That must have been a very difficult experience for you, but I am glad that you and your therapist are working together to figure it out. I agree that the mind and body are connected and keeping the mind healthy will help keep the body healthy and visa versa. I think for me it's a bit of both interacting. I definitely had a medical issue that started off a lot of symptoms for me, but I think all the anxiety I experience has not really helped my body to recover, and depression probably worsens my pain. I also appreciate that you mentioned some causes are outside of our control since I have had my symptoms written off as psychosomatic when there are other things going on which makes me feel like my story is not believed when I explain it and it can be invalidating. However, I am trying to recognize that I might be able to improve some of my symptoms by improving my mental health and kind of approach my health from all angles in a holistic sense.

[*Beth*]

Thank you, fern. Your encouragement gives me so much hope!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Thanks Fern and the others who shared their stories here. That must have been a very difficult experience for you, but I am glad that you and your therapist are working together to figure it out. I agree that the mind and body are connected and keeping the mind healthy will help keep the body healthy and visa versa. I think for me it's a bit of both interacting. I definitely had a medical issue that started off a lot of symptoms for me, but I think all the anxiety I experience has not really helped my body to recover, and depression probably worsens my pain. I also appreciate that you mentioned some causes are outside of our control since I have had my symptoms written off as psychosomatic when there are other things going on which makes me feel like my story is not believed when I explain it and it can be invalidating. However, I am trying to recognize that I might be able to improve some of my symptoms by improving my mental health and kind of approach my health from all angles in a holistic sense.

I think you are making a wise call. We are integrated beings and all of our systems work together as one. Medically we treat them as though they are all separate, and maybe there is some sense to that, but in my mind there also needs to be something synthesizing everything back together. It reminds me of my time managing teams. Every expert had a specialized job and focused on that work. I was the one who brought the pieces together and wove them into a cohesive unit of work. I think our mind, body, spirit systems are like that. We can focus on specific areas, but we also need to remember the whole. When one area falls apart the others are affected. When one area is healed, the others benefit.

For example, I can see your case going both ways. The anxiety and depression cause physical pain and the physical pain makes you feel depressed and anxious. The mental and emotional root causes need to be addressed and so do the physical symptoms.

It can perhaps feel overwhelming to think about needing to address all of it, but I feel like it is easier if you just break it down into small steps and remember each one serves the whole. Trauma work, individual and group therapy, exercise, eating well, playing, feeding your spirit, etc. It all adds up to better overall health. It also feels really good when you get going in a good direction on all three fronts.

[yellow_fleurs]

Thanks Fern. I like the analogy of the teams. Yes, addressing this from all sides seems like the best option for me. It feels daunting, but I am trying to take it one step at a time.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Thanks Fern. I like the analogy of the teams. Yes, addressing this from all sides seems like the best option for me. It feels daunting, but I am trying to take it one step at a time.

Teams are my favorite! I'm kinda a team guru of sorts and team dynamics apply to so many areas of life.

You're being proactive and I think it will serve you very well. One step at a time is all anyone can do well. Trying to do it all in the moment just muddies things up. I find it best to plan the work and then work the plan. The pieces just fall together when the time is right that way.