For starters – my life has been absolutely insane this year, especially these last few months. I don’t really know where to start, but I’ll sum it up with a sentiment. I’m just not keeping up with what the world decides I am or where I am supposed to be. What I mean is, I’m recovering really slowly and pathetically. I know you shouldn’t compare your experiences or issues to others – but honestly people do what they have to do at the end of the day and I’m just not able to do it. An example of that is I recently started a new job. Training was only 5 days and it was a lot of information. I am of average intelligence, but it was just so much information overload. I couldn’t seem to grasp it well enough to apply it the very next week in real-time, real situations. I felt unprepared and frightened by it all. I felt I was drowning while everyone else just took it in stride. Of course, they did – it’s just how these things work. It’s how these jobs work. You can’t change the rules and you just tough it out. My first day on the floor I had panic attacks and I just went to HR and explained I just wasn’t doing well. My assessments during training were really good but my retention was very poor. I felt pathetically dumb because I just wasn’t where I needed to be. They’ve decided to give me the week off and let me start (hopefully) in another department which should be easier and has a much lengthier training (a month). The fact I even had to go to someone and admit I am a failure was bad enough, but at least they were accommodating and wanted to keep me rather than throw me out to find another job. Assuming that all the paperwork is pushed through quickly enough... I may be out of a job another 3 weeks. Lord knows I can’t afford to be without income.
I’ve dealt with psychological issues all my life, and I’ve just pushed through them for the most part. I for the first part of my life was able to overcome the statistics and actually overcome adversity and established a career and a decent life and family. My illness in part brought all that crumbling down. It’s been over a year and I’m still without a job, and a recluse. I know I have to pick myself up by my bootstraps and just truck forward—but I am not able. I can’t even do the simplest of things it seems. Oddest thing is I am not depressed. I do take medication and it does its part. I don’t feel low, but I do feel inept. It’s strange, because you don’t normally separate the two (or at least I don’t).

I’m just not functioning well enough to even scrape by. That’s the part that scares me. I’ve made small steps forward to get to where I am now, but they’re taking too long and they’re too small. This was the first job I’ve attempted since I lost my career and I failed after a week of training. That can’t look good or give a good prospect for my future with the company. I can’t spin it positively to accept this is how it is. For the first time in my life I can’t blame my illness – this time it’s just me.

It’s not just the fact I am enough, I don’t think I know how to be enough. It just sucks.

[wildflowerchild25]

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Plenty of people find new jobs intimidating, especially with only five days of training. Today, I started a new job (sort of - few snafus stopping me from starting properly) and I received NO training before I started. I am expected to just jump in and be able to take care of my student. And trust me, he is wild. I don’t even get restraint training, even though I am expected to restrain if needed. Boy, do I feel unprepared!

But anyway, even if I did have extensive training, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable. Sometimes you just have to jump in. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. The fact that you even tried to get a job after a year of not working is commendable! You’re trying, and that’s all you can ask of yourself.

I understand that recovery can be a frustratingly slow process. But try not to focus on what you can’t do, and what you haven’t done, and focus on what you can and have done already.

I believe in you!

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Plenty of people find new jobs intimidating, especially with only five days of training. Today, I started a new job (sort of - few snafus stopping me from starting properly) and I received NO training before I started. I am expected to just jump in and be able to take care of my student. And trust me, he is wild. I don’t even get restraint training, even though I am expected to restrain if needed. Boy, do I feel unprepared!

But anyway, even if I did have extensive training, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable. Sometimes you just have to jump in. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. The fact that you even tried to get a job after a year of not working is commendable! You’re trying, and that’s all you can ask of yourself.

I understand that recovery can be a frustratingly slow process. But try not to focus on what you can’t do, and what you haven’t done, and focus on what you can and have done already.

I believe in you!

Thanks for your kind words. You're definitely right, I should focus on what I can do and where I've come from. A step forward is a step forwards -- whether I walked, ran, jumped or crawled.... it's at least forward. I sometimes get down on myself. My therapist has suggested in the past to say a mantra every time I walk through a door frame. I may make that mantra "I'm moving forward." for now. You really made me feel a bit better about my situation, so thank you!

Hi Marcus. After reading your post, I think I'm likely right that your employer recognized some very good traits in you. Their offer seems to reflect that. You are clearly very honest and open. Many people who don't retain everything say absolutely nothing. And many of those are people without any mental health issues of any sort.

I have initially struggled in brand new jobs or with new projects in the past. Sometimes those that struggle a little in the beginning, go on to work harder than those who didn't, eventually bypassing others in terms of quality performance or what they can offer beyond.

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi Marcus. After reading your post, I think I'm likely right that your employer recognized some very good traits in you. Their offer seems to reflect that. You are clearly very honest and open. Many people who don't retain everything say absolutely nothing. And many of those are people without any mental health issues of any sort.

I have initially struggled in brand new jobs or with new projects in the past. Sometimes those that struggle a little in the beginning, go on to work harder than those who didn't, eventually bypassing others in terms of quality performance or what they can offer beyond.

Like everyone I have my strengths and weaknesses but I feel my weaknesses debilitate me to the point my strengths are of little use. Self-confidence is an issue as well. This new position is actually a higher placed tier in the company with better pay and better promotion opportunities so I don't want to screw this up. Let's hope it goes well!

Sounds like you have stumbled on an even better opportunity by not making a go of it in the more junior position! Serendipity! I know myself i was rejected for a job at McDonald's as a teen after whirlwind training where i got all bedazzled and chaotic and twirly but i was able to be successful as a computer programmer in an excellent federal government salaried permanent position and had an eight year career with full benefits as an adult because my boss gave me like a year to build myself into a programmer while i did simple tasks like doing endless presentation slides that our bosses just loved to bits!

How they loved their presentation slides! They were lost without them! The slides were super simple to do on a Mac and while i did that dumbo-work i built myself into a programmer and the real fun started!!! I still benefit from that opportunity as i was cut down by bipolar eight years into my career and have been on disability benefits for 20 years -- excellent private benefits which allow me to live a middle-class life with relatively little financial worry. And on disability benefits it doesn't mean that i don't work or study hard -- just not 12 consecutive months a year, maybe four or one month a year. I've still got a very meaningful life even tho i no longer do PAID labor.

Be well my friend! Keep us posted!

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Sounds like you have stumbled on an even better opportunity by not making a go of it in the more junior position! Serendipity! I know myself i was rejected for a job at McDonald's as a teen after whirlwind training where i got all bedazzled and chaotic and twirly but i was able to be successful as a computer programmer in an excellent federal government salaried permanent position and had an eight year career with full benefits as an adult because my boss gave me like a year to build myself into a programmer while i did simple tasks like doing endless presentation slides that our bosses just loved to bits!

How they loved their presentation slides! They were lost without them! The slides were super simple to do on a Mac and while i did that dumbo-work i built myself into a programmer and the real fun started!!! I still benefit from that opportunity as i was cut down by bipolar eight years into my career and have been on disability benefits for 20 years -- excellent private benefits which allow me to live a middle-class life with relatively little financial worry. And on disability benefits it doesn't mean that i don't work or study hard -- just not 12 consecutive months a year, maybe four or one month a year. I've still got a very meaningful life even tho i no longer do PAID labor.

Be well my friend! Keep us posted!

That sounds like you lucked into an amazing opportunity ! I hope I find a place for me in the workplace. Part of my problem is I am completely out of my element. I went to school for 6 years and got two degrees to work in my field, which blew up in flames due to some stupid mistakes I made. This job isn't in my field of study but is important to me nonetheless. I really hope it works out, or that I find the courage to work in my field again. Who knows what will happen.

I don't mean to push this thread back to the top, but I had to share the good news. Everything cleared in time so I start Monday morning my new position!!!! It's a huge relief, I have been worried about it all week. That really lifts my spirits today

Wow, that's great @MarcusAurelius!!! So happy for you that you don't have to wait all weekend in anxiety! You can look forward to Monday! You will rock this new position, i know it!!!