In hospital - would love support

Last night I got about 7 hours of decent sleep. Yay for me! Unfortunately, I have woken up feeling very anxious, and a little panicked. I can't get my morning meds of Haloperidol and Seroquel for another thirty minutes. Sounds not to far away, but feeling like this waiting is torture. Thanks to the haloperidol I had a calmer day yesterday. Well relatively calmer. This morning I feel awful again and can only hope the meds work once I can take them. SI still there. It increases and decreases throughout the day. Right now its bad. As it is nursing handover time I cannot speak to a nurse for at least 1.5 hours. I have many confusing, conflicting thoughts that distress me so talking would help. Even as I write my panic is escalating. I can only hope the meds calm me down, or I will get to that running away stage. It is weird, my thoughts seem calm but distorted at times, and my body is carrying all the anxiety.

Today I am going to try and use the small gym here, but I will have to make sure I don't aggravate my hip. Maybe I won't bother. I don't know. Thanks so much to everyone for their support. It helps immensely as I have no friends I can talk to about this stuff. I feel worse this morning than yesterday. Yet last night I slept for 7 hours straight so I don't know why the anxiety has escalated. I just want it to go away, or at least the SI go away so I can go home. Going on how I feel now it won't be at least until early next week. Now I am going to pass some time listening to music until I can get my meds. AGGGGHHHH, this panic is awful. It is like being on fire with no way to put it out. Painful, and deadly. I am not as safe so far today as I was yesterday. I really need some meds and later a chat. My thoughts are distorted and twisting. Very uncomfortable and confusing.

AGGGHHH! I want to go home, but also want to die. I am trying to relax while IP but its tough when feeling the way I do. I NEED to escape from this torment. I can see no way out right now.

Have you tried repeating a mantra? Something like 'my thoughts are not my truth. I am safe and I want to live'. Focusing on getting the words right and repeating it over and over might snap your brain out of the rumination. Maybe splash some cold water on your face and stare into the mirror while you say it.

Yes. When I am really struggling and curled up in a call I tell myself, 'You are safe now', 'you are loved', and, 'hang in there. This will pass.'. It does help a bit. My focus now is on rescuing myself instead of desperately wanting someone else to rescue me. I haven't tried it in front of a mirror. I will give that a go today. Thanks.

Thinking of you, Wander.

It feels a little silly sometimes, but it helps me connect to the replacement thoughts more when I can look myself in the eye.

You're a pro at all of this Wander. You have all the skills you need. This is a rough patch that sucks tremendously, but it will pass. You keep making great decisions for yourself. Trust in that. Deep down you know what is right. Your mind may be sideways, but your heart points true north!

I know you've been connecting with the nurses. Are there any patients you feel like it would be worthwhile to talk to? I really appreciated the insight several of the ladies had to offer while I was in IP. Some patients triggered me, so it was a slippery slope, but there were some true gems there.

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I would feel very uncomfortable looking at myself in a mirror saying affirmations. I will try it though. I haven't interacted with any other patients so far. I am paranoid so hide in my room a lot. I do see people in relaxation classes but don't get a chance to meet anyone. To be honest I am no up to making friends, or even casual chit chat. I am scared of everyone. Logically, I know I am safe, and most of the other patients are lovely, but I mostly just want to be left alone except for nurses and pdoc. I used to meet people here but I wasn't paranoid then. Also I am just not feeling social. Excuses, excuses I know. Unfortunately my logical brain isn't in control a lot of the time.

Wander, You have so many people that care about you. I deal with bipolar disorder. When I was 9 years old, I did something very stupid. I was at the dentist office and I felt like someone was chasing me. I accidentally broke a glass door. The glass cut my leg and I got 63 stitches. It is emotional because I am reluctant to go swimming because people will ask me about my scar. over and over. I must have been contemplating my life when I chose to run down the hall. I honestly did not know that there was a glass door there. It was not marked in any way, shape, or form. I wanted to sue the office for safety violations. There is no law against it back in the 1980's. I live a self-conscious life with boyfriends, family, etc. I would reconsider trying to harm yourself. First, it is illegal. Second, you may live and regret what you did due to health problems. Third, nobody wants you to harm yourself. I understand loneliness and regret. I am looking for a new job because I am so depressed at work. I have very few friends. I am trying to date a boyfriend. That cannot be all too serious. I know my family loves me even though I never show it. I know that noone is trying to hurt me. I have to stay in therapy and take medicine to realize that I am perfectly normal and ok. I go to church when I am really sad because Jesus lifts my spirits. Good music, reading, and tv are good to release the tension and stress. I really hope that you feel better. I am really proud that you called the hospital. You are in good hands. I hope you get better soon.

It is uncomfortable. I think that's maybe part of the power in it. It also feels silly, so don't be afraid to laugh at yourself if you give it a go.

I don't hear excuses. It sounds like you're in touch with where you're at. If you feel like connecting with people outside of the staff would hinder your situation you should go with that. Maybe you'll feel differently as time goes on, but for now it sounds like you're taking healthy baby steps of trusting in the nurses enough to connect with them for a bit.

You are in the safest place you can be.
Let them help you and but you are very lucky to have your phone on your person. Every time Ive been in the hospital (which is a LOT)! they ALWAYS take away my phone, along with wallet keys etc.
Have faith, it will get better no doubt.

Thanks. In Australia mental health patients are allowed to bring their phone and/or computers. Unless of course you are in a locked ward. Then they are taken from you, but you get an hour a day to use it. Well for most patients. We are not allowed to photograph or video anything though. That would lose you your phone.

I just met the psychiatric registrar. He is working closely with my pdoc to calm me down. Like many of the nurses he is a wonderful person. I am lucky this way. It also contradicts my paranoia that I will be harmed in here. After 75 mg of Seroquel, 5 mg Haloperidol, and 1.5 mg of Clonazepam I am still agitated and irritable. Well at least on the inside. On the outside I seem calm and ok. Maybe this is progress. I still feel like I have a gun to my head. Terror floods me often. Nothing is really changing it. the registrar said I look a bit better. Good news, but that is only a front I put on.

That is not very much seroquel or haldol.
Please don't fake it. they need to know how you are really doing.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

This afternoon my Seroquel was increased to up to 250 mg a day, mostly taken in 50 mg blocks. The last few times I took my heart raced and palpitated so I’m hesitant to take more. Maybe it’s the combo with Haldol. I will ask my pdoc when I see him next. I’m also scared of putting on weight as I have before with even low dose Seroquel.

I am actually about to ask a nurse to get me some Seroquel. I’m still scared to take it, but will do anything to calm down.

Day five IP. We are having a long heatwave here. Not that I feel it while stuck inside this hospital, but I am missing out on early morning/evening swims at the beach. I miss my freedom. Being in here is necessary at this point so I’m trying to comfort myself that it’s only the beginning of summer so I will be able to hit the beach once discharged.

My pdoc hasn’t seen me since Monday so I’m hoping he comes in today. I can no longer take Haloperidol due to it causing temporary vision problems. Seroquel doesn’t help as well, but that’s what I’m stuck with. Along with Clonazepam. I’m still not calming down, except when I’m really drugged. I need this anxiety and panic to go away. It is becoming unbearable.

Sorry if you have already said this, but have you ever tried buspirone? I think it worked a bit for me when I was having panic attacks. I can't take Klonopin because it makes me depressed and sleep my life away.

Hi wander,
I am so sorry that you had the side effect of the haldol effecting your vision...how scary that must have been!
Hoping that your pdoc comes soon...that you don't have to wait that much longer.
I hope your anxiety lessens ASAP!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Still waiting to see my pdoc. Haven’t seen him properly since Monday. The registrar has been trying to help instead. Now I just got told I have to move rooms. From floor two to ground floor. It is because they have a lot of empty beds. Being close to Christmas I doubt anyone would come IP if they could avoid it. I wish I was one of those people. It also means I will have different nurses.

Seroquel works for and hour or so then I’m hot with palpitations. Even at really low doses. It doesn’t happen every time, but still too often. So I’m going back on Haldol as it works great. Well except from effecting my vision after 6 days of use. It is only four days so I’m willing to keep using it till my vision gets blurry. It always passes by the day after I cease it so it’s worth the risk.

Two of my friends have promised to visit me soon, but they have let me down in the past so I’m not getting my hopes up. Feeling so irritable maybe I’m best staying alone or I will ruin more friendships.

Why is my body and mind acting as if I am under extreme threat when I am logically safe? F***ing PTSD. All I want is to leave the past behind me and start a fresh new, peaceful life. Unfortunately, the past is trapped inside me. How do I safely release it. Talking about it may only make things worse, but shutting it down, if at all possible, will only leave it there to manifest as a surprise whenever it feels like it.

I feel so alone, even with all this support. I think my mind is trapped inside the trauma so logic goes out the window. I’m still very frightened.

What are some techniques to combat your ptsd?
bizi

You are trying very hard and you are doing it! One day at a time you are surviving. Kudos to you for your bravery and stamina!

Hey Wander. I'm just stopping by to let you know you've been in my thoughts. I know you're still struggling and I saw an update that your friend canceled her visit. We are all still here for you. I hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

Also, thanks for all of your posts in other threads. Your insight is very valuable!

Tonight a senior nurse almost called two pdocs in to have me transferred to a locked ward as she felt I was no longer able to keep myself safe in an open ward. After 20 minutes I managed to beg her to simply drug me and hope I wake up feeling better. My pdoc is also coming in tomorrow morning and can evaluate me then. Being IP at times makes me relive my trauma. Not just images in my mind but my body reacting as if it was happening now. I am also scared the staff are trying to push me over the edge. Logically, I know that is not true but it all feels so real. The SI is triggered by feelings of being trapped and terrified so a locked ward would destroy what is left of me.

Now I am worried I won't be able to convince my pdoc I am safe so he will 'section' me under the mental health act (be locked up involuntarily). I honestly am reacting as if I have a loaded gun to my head. The terror is palpable. Please send me positive vibes, prayers, or whatever you believe in if you can. I feel so alone.

I'm so sorry Wander. That sounds terrible, but I want to point out that there is a lot to build upon here. You are aware that your thoughts aren't reality and that you are experiencing a reaction. That's exactly the kind of thinking you need.

Try to dissociate from the thoughts and the feelings and view your situation from the outside as an observer would. The thoughts are just that. Thoughts. They are a reaction your brain is having due to a specific set of stimuli. Your emotions are the same. They are a reaction due to specific inputs your are experiencing. Try your best to detach from them a little and observe them more as data and less as the reality you are drowning in. This is similar to meditation techniques where you try to simply let your thoughts pass by while focusing on your breathing. You notice them. You may even see them as interesting, but you don't get involved with them and you let them pass by. Essentially, you don't entangle with your thoughts or emotions to fuel them. You do the same thing for body sensations. You try to have a response of 'oh that's interesting' vs. 'oh no! My heart is beating fast, what if I have a heart attack?'

Your past trauma is the same. You can observe it like a movie you're watching. Its just a movie and it is not your current reality. You can freak out and let it scare the Hell out of you or you can observe and note the scenery and the actors. You can appreciate the story line and make it more clinical feeling than something you are emotionally entangled with. You can fast forward past the scenes you do not prefer to see. You can also fast forward to the scenes you loved the best.

Just some things to try. I'm honestly throwing things at the wall hoping something will stick and provide you even the tiniest bit of relief.

And... If it comes down to it try to remember that a locked door is just that. A door with a lock on it. Metal. It is not the lock or the door that you should be focused on. It is the box with the lock on it in your mind that you've got to open. There's one on your heart too. They are the ones that matter. I don't want to downplay being committed against your will. I have been there and I know it is quite serious. But... It isn't the battle that will assist in your recovery. It is just a physical representation of the true work to be done. Much love to you. Keep fighting. You can do this. You are very very strong.

Right now you are safe and cared for. If you can try to keep grounding yourself with the help of staff maybe that will help you feel in the present and not stuck in the past in your mind? Is there anything you can do where you are to help make yourself feel safe? When I feel scared/trapped I try to make my environment (which I realize you have limited control over) safe, cozy, and open. I also try to offer myself lots of self care. So, wrap myself in a warm blanket, watch a cheerful uplifting show, let in the sunlight or go outside in the sun, look at some flowers or nature. Also, I know you must be careful with you hip I think you said? But some gentle exercise or walking might feel good and be grounding?

I came over here to say hi. I know that being on a locked ward feels frightening. The thing is, it also feels safe. By that, I mean you can relax some, knowing you're in a safe place.

I'm sending you peaceful vibes ~~*~**~**~~**~~*