I didn't do anything

It's blurry, I thought I was hopeful but I don't know. This is the weirdest thing. Something has to change. I'm just trying to get through this month. I hate it because usually I love the holidays. Pdoc dx'd me with GAD. I don't really have words lately. I can't really think. I wish it wasn't a baby dose. I'm still very scared and need to be in control of everything.

Hmm... 2.5mg of Lexapro is indeed a small dose. Unless things have changed recently, I believe the smallest dose is 5mg because I used to take 5mg. So I'm guessing you're splitting the pill in half?

I didn't find 5mg helpful. The "accepted" minimum therapeutic dose is 10mg. Of course, some people are sensitive to meds and may need less than the "accepted" minimum therapeutic dose to achieve a therapeutic effect, but I just thought I'd mention that.

In the end, I went off lexapro because 5mg wasn't helpful. I was on 10mg at one point, but it made me manic. The only reason I stayed on 5mg for so long is that the withdrawals from the med were too much to bear. Fortunately, I was able to switch to Zoloft with no problem with the help of my pdoc. Seems that it's easier to taper off an SSRI if you have another SSRI in your system.

But yeah, just thought I'd mention therapeutic doses vs mania. Be careful with Lexapro if your pdoc does increase the dose. It took me 1-2 weeks before I became manic, but it was pretty fast.

Yeah, I'm splitting the pill in half. Pdocs worried about mania so she put me on the lowest dose possible but I don't feel I have the months to wait before relief.

I didn't tell T much of anything but my plan is to write my thoughts and bring it with me even if she doesn't read it I have it.

I think that's an excellent idea (writing your thoughts).

It's now just a vague thought in my head like it'll happen BUT there's nothing I can do so why stress it. I still feel like I can't breathe but that's alright. And I already ate today. I'm not having that run away and hid feeling. I do think my husband's talking about me on the phone right now BUT if he is it's in my best interest.

How are you doing? Is the lexapro helping at all yet?

I'm a little better, not much at all. Last night I stayed up all night because I thought someone was going to break in. I'm still not really communicating on PC for fear of self incriminating.

When are you supposed to call if the med isn't helping?

It's only been a week. I want to wait a couple of weeks. Pdoc said it could take 4-6 weeks.

Oh, I thought you were a couple weeks out from the appointment. Time gets messed up this time of year with the holidays.

I hope it kicks in quickly (but not TOO quickly).

Unfortunately not. I'm calmer but my anxiety hasn't decreased.

I think I’m numb so I don’t know if that’s better. I’m not enacting negative coping mechanisms solely because I don’t want to fight. I’m worried my general functioning is plummeting. It’s not that high to begin with. H wants to talk to T. I’m at the point that I’m laughing about it because it’s funny how true I believe it is when H keeps telling me it’s not going to happen. I know laughing about possible psychosis is probably not the healthiest thing to do but it’s laugh and crack jokes or cry. I’m really avoid crying. I don’t want to go to therapy because I’ll be taken seriously (if she reads) and I might crack. The idea of telling someone outside PC/H what I’m afraid of sounds silly. I don’t want to have to say why and I’m not good with confrontation. I’d rather not eat my fears but H is making sure that’s not happening. H says as long as I don’t lie to him he’ll advocate to keep me out of the hospital. However he only knows what I’m scared of right now. He doesn’t know because of the flight or fight feeling I was having. This T doesn’t even know I have ED flare ups.

How are you getting on?

Maybe if you are going to stay with that T for a while it might be a good idea to let the T know about ED flare ups?
I know it can be (and is) very hard to share stuff with them especially if they haven’t given us many reasons to trust them.
(sorry if I’ve misunderstood anything)

I'm okay, still convinced but I'm becoming okay with it. I have it written down about my ED flare up.