[Crazygrl882]

Hi, I decreased my meds and went off a few (Haldol and lamictal) and was doing fine for a while. I felt great. (I actually have schizoaffective but my bipolar symptoms are usually more mania than severe depression). Then I started getting the urge to shoplift while at a makeup store. Just the samples that are out which I don’t see as really stealing and don’t even know if you get in trouble for. But last month I stole two... now I was shopping with a friend and stole another. They’re $38 lipsticks and I want so many of the colors but can’t afford to buy that many. I have been shopping more than normal but I have that a bit under control. Didn’t buy this YSL bag I really wanted. Controlled that urge so some urges are controlled. Then I have been dating this great guy but I got the urge like happens sometimes where I just start talking to other guys. So stupid I know and I know I can get caught but it’s like it’s someone else doing it. I just can’t help it. I met this guy for a drink and one turned to three and I went back to his place and one thing led to another. We used protection so I’m good with that but I feel guilty but this is my normal behavior when I get manic. The only reason I’m sleeping is because I still take the seroquel but I have to mix it with the klonopin to sleep. Seroquel isn’t enough to get me to sleep. Wake up every day before the alarm. I ran around all day on 4 hours of sleep after like 8 drinks last night but sat down at home for about a total of an hour today in between a bunch of errands and seeing friends. Just was on the go. One thing after another, including stealing the lipstick while shopping with my friend. I’m not normally like this, running around all day, due to my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and pain issues. I usually don’t go and go all day. I spend a lot of my time on the couch doing nothing but watching tv. I have trouble leaving the house usually due to my agoraphobia and extreme anxiety issues. But not once the mania kicks in. Then I can do anything. I feel now very upset because i never wanted to cheat but I did the same thing in the past when I was suffering from untreated bipolar. I cheated on boyfriends and sometimes stole little things. I’m so upset. I thought I could decrease my meds because i Really was sick of being on so many. I don’t want to tell anyone about this. I’m so embarrassed. Going home with strange men is dangerous and I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. What a mess. I wanted this relationship to be perfect and now it’s not and I have this terrible secret.

[sarahsweets]

I am sorry you are going through this. What does your doctor say?

[Crazy Hitch]

Ouch. Be super careful. You can be charged for stealing the samples.

You seem quite aware of the fact that you shouldn’t be cheating. If you can’t help it, as you say, minimise situations that are going to lead to temptations for hookups. Even if this means pubs etc. just in the interim whilst you get a med review.

[*Beth*]

I totally understand about the shoplifting.

Many years ago I stopped taking any medication and one of the first signs of major dysfunction was that I started to shoplift. I felt like I couldn't control myself; I felt invincible. I developed a technique that worked well. I felt that developing that technique proved how especially clever I was. I wasn't a run-of-the-mill shoplifter; I was soaring higher than anyone else. I deserved to be rewarded for being so clever; I deserved rewards for doing my part to win out over capitalism...after all, I was helping humanity in general by flipping off capitalism.

Well, I was finally caught. I was visiting NYC and I stole several items from Sephora. The security guard caught me. He told me to dump my purse out. I did - in front of a number of shoppers. It was mortifying to be caught like that. I tried to explain that I "had a sickness" and, well, he didn't give a care about my "sickness".

I was so, so lucky because the store didn't call the cops on me.

After that, I forced myself to stop stealing. Looking back, though, I stole a lot of stuff before I stopped.

It has weighed on my conscience for all these years (20 years). I can't believe how lucky I was not to be caught and have the police called in. I have talked with my therapist about it, which helped...a little bit. I'm still so ashamed, though.

For me, when I stepped meds my impulse control just wasn't there. It came to a point at which I did not want to steal anymore, but I couldn't stop...it was a compulsion...until I forced myself to stop.

With that said, I feel that I am in a position to tell you to STOP STEALING. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself. Nowadays there are cameras hidden (or in plain sight) all over the place, in every store. You will be caught and it probably won't be long until you are.

Also my paranoia kicked in and I was sure I would be punished for stealing by having terrible, heartbreaking things happen to me...having to do with demons and so on. What a hell.

Stealing samples, if that's all you're stealing, is as much stealing as anything else in the eyes of the store personnel.

[Crazygrl882]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I am sorry you are going through this. What does your doctor say?

Hi, my appointment is next month. I will talk to him then. I’m sure that he’ll tell me I have to go back on the meds... I just hate feeling this way and hate that I have to be on these meds to be a “normal” person who stays under control. I wanted to try going off them but apparently that isn’t working. Thanks.

[bpcyclist]

Sounds like you need your meds. You need to come to terms with that, or you will end up in prison--or worse. Tons of bipolar people in prison or the state hospital.

[Merlin]

I would contact your doctor before your next appointment

[*Beth*]

I so understand the frustration of Do I have to take medication to control myself and fit in? Well, apparently we do. And honestly, sometimes I look back on certain events and thank my lucky stars things turned out okay. For example, that time I was in Manhattan I was flying, so manic...yes, shoplifting but also walked fifteen miles through the city overnight, dressed provocatively. I picked up some guy and bright him to the hostel where I was staying. Some scary stuff that I was seriously fortunate to put behind me.

There are many times when it hits me that yes: I am mentally ill. How can it be, how can it be...but it is.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @Crazygrl882 Being on meds to be "normal" is not how I look at things. I am totally dependent on my meds and anyone who takes issue with it can go F themselves- seriously. The whole " go F yourself/ F off" mentality is very freeing. Its not that I dont care about people or things, its just that if someone has a problem with something I do or need they can F off.

Originally Posted by Crazygrl882

Hi, my appointment is next month. I will talk to him then. I’m sure that he’ll tell me I have to go back on the meds... I just hate feeling this way and hate that I have to be on these meds to be a “normal” person who stays under control. I wanted to try going off them but apparently that isn’t working. Thanks.

Perhaps this is a reminder that you do, in fact, have a mental illness?

I realize that medication side effects can be miserable and that we sometimes wish off the medications to rid ourselves of them. However, I will be brutally honest when I write that some attitudes towards dread of taking psych meds versus more willingness to take, say, diabetes meds or blood pressure meds, or birth control pills reflects stigma against mental illness. I understand why many people do, including people with mental illnesses, but that itself is part of the problem.

I realize that, psychologically, taking a number of pills can be rough. I certainly believe our medication cocktails should be as low as possible, but still being effective enough. But pill numbers don't have to be THAT big of a deal. I sometimes get annoyed with the task of filling my pill boxes, but doing it (once per week) isn't that bad. Maybe 5 minutes? As for taking my pills? One minute to fill a glass with liquid abd 10 seconds to get them from the pill box cubby down my throat.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @Crazygrl882 Being on meds to be "normal" is not how I look at things. I am totally dependent on my meds and anyone who takes issue with it can go F themselves- seriously. The whole " go F yourself/ F off" mentality is very freeing. Its not that I dont care about people or things, its just that if someone has a problem with something I do or need they can F off.

I LOVE this!