Giddy's Thoughts #1

Oh wow! I thought I posted again but I guess I'm getting my irl journal mixed up with this. Ha!

Yes, I wrote a lot in that journal tonight as this device was charging and I didn't want hubby yelling at me for being distracted while cooking again. He was upset that I was cooking so late though, which is why I'm surprised I hadn't posted here again after my last post. What was I doing all that time?? Well I did have to wash dishes so I could cook and I had to prep the meat, then I watched some tv with hubby...ohhh, maybe I was on my other forum. Yep yep! I was. But the fact is, I was just so tired today and I wanted to snuggle with him and watch the last show. He wanted t too. He is going to have to learn that we can't do that in the day if he wants me to maintain my regular schedule. Ughhh this is gonna be rough! But we'll get through it somehow.

Oh, I'm needing to schedule some more appointments with the GP, bloodwork for me and a follow-up for hubby. Was gonna do it today but had to wait for hubby to get off the phone to ask him if that's what he wanted. We wasted time debating whether we should schedule if they might get canceled due to this virus ****. I said I think we should at least try and have them in the books. So we agreed, but by then I had to do other stuff and didn't get to call today. But now I'm worried that my appointment next week, after all this talking about it and prepping for it and having it rescheduled already, that it might be canceled. I would just hate that! This Corona is just utter **** man! I'm already so tired! Sigh!

Well, I'm getting sleepy...

Feeling mopey right now. Think it's because of the exciting dream I had about when my life had hope and a promise...ok, I mean I have that in a different way now, but back then I just felt creative and alive. Now my creativity seems to only happen in my dreams. :/

P.s. I'm also kinda disappointed at how I just can't find the desire or even reason for getting up in the morning and doing anything but get right online. Especially on a day like today, I really need that energy boost I get from my online friends and supporters. I've been taking my meds that require an empty stomach, and now I must get up and eat. I woke up an hour earlier than planned for today, so once again, I am tired...but I'm really trying to do all the right things...like I said though, it does get very hard when I can't find the desire or the reason for all of this. :/ But it's there, somewhere, I guess.

Ok, trying something a bit different today. Let's see how well this works.
So things are going ok, no major conflicts or anything, but I'm just getting very stressed and overwhelmed. I managed to call GP office and schedule appointments for me and hubby-goodI also got food prepped, washed most dishes, cleaned countertops and even began the deep clean process of the oven/stove (half done. hope this won't be a prob for hubby).I'll have to sweep and mop again because of this mess, but it's not too bad. It can wait another day or few.
As far as social contact, I'm still excited about all the friends I have and have been making as of late, but I don't think I can keep up today. Gonna have to step back from a few things. I wanted to go on an old forum and give out my Twitter address to a few folks there...but it can probably wait.
Found a new interest thread "what song is stuck in your head". that's always fun, but I am also trying to pay less attention to other threads for now, just to balance it. Maybe switch it up every other day or somthing.
Oh!!! Writing Camp!!! So I got word from one person last night that she'd be interested in a group with me. I haven't heard anything more today. It's still early. Folks don't usually decide groups until the last week of the month. Still uncertain now how or what I'm going to do as my writing project. "Blogging" (or journaling) is my main focus atm.
The month of April is going to be chaotic as it is because hubby and I have plans. Not sure just how much it will affect day to day, but I do have to shift focus on certain things (like meals.)
Speaking of meals, I was so hungry this morning that I forgot to take my meds on an empty stomach. Well, I took the probiotic, but forgot my thyroid meds until right before my first bite. I think it's fine once in awhile though. Still, it shows you how distracted I am!

I managed to brush my teeth right after breakfast/coffee today though. Just prioritized myself (well, not that I enjoy brushing, but i do feel better afterwards) this time, and THEN got to food prep and cleaning...and that appointments call. I am neglecting something else right now, but i'm sorry, I just needed to sit down and take this break atm. Thing is, it's a good thing that brings me peace though...
speaking of peace, I also need to workout. I feel like running, jumping, dancing- all of it right now! Unfortunately, I'd feel too guilty taking time away from my chores. I keep saying "i'll work out at night", but that's not always happening anymore.
It's tv night...sometimes I can actually work out during these shows. I can do my yoga stuff...maybe if I walk beFORE the shows, I can finish with yoga...that would mean working out by like 7 or 7:30...um, but when will I have dinner?? I'm planning to eat lunch here soon. it's almost 4...Not sure if I can wait until 8 to eat...especially since I'm not even sure how much food there IS for lunch. I need to allow time to cook too, so maybe 4:30-5:30 or 6 I can do that...then take some more downtime before working out.
Sounds like a plan! Now as long as there are no more unforeseen interruptions...
Also, fyi, my kinda goal bedtime is between 12:15am and 1am. So for an internet cutoff, I'm thinking 11/11:30?? It helps me relax before bed!! I dunno.
Ok, I think I did kinda ok on my "trying something different"...although it looks different on this screen, so I've probably failed once again. haha Not gonna tell you the plan just yet because I don't want any of us overthinking this right now.
Peace!

Had quite a busy day and I'm tired now, so I'll keep this short. Today is day 2 of 3 with cleaning the oven/stove. It's the first time I've ever cleaned an over and I'm proud of myself for finally learning and actually doing it. It's taken a little bit longer because there are some deep set in stains that need overnight soaking and I could only do one side of the stovetop plates at a time because I needed the stove for cleaning. So now the whole oven is sprayed and soaking and one side of the stovetop is all ready to go. Oh yes, and I also put foil over the plates, you know to avoid excess filth getting on them. Guess it helps, but those plates can still get pretty dirty! I had been doing pretty good with keeping those cleaned and the foil changed out regularly, but there were some deep set in stains that have now only come out with the oven cleaner. Call me a dork or whatever, but I'm excited to have clean things!

So, first I have to mention how awful the third movie in the series we've been watching was. I mean, it is laughably horrible! A kid could have been doing the filming, the acting was just getting by (different cast from the other 2), and the plot twist was just a joke to the franchise! Hehe Never again! But all I can do is laugh. ^^


So, busy day for me today! Just as I was thinking I could get a break I'm reminded of taxes. (I dread doing taxes!) We have an appointment for 11am this morning, so I'm up and going slightly earlier (good thing I've been practicing waking up earlier though because this wasn't bad) Anyway, stressing about when I'm gonna have time to prep food and then cook it. I'm gonna insist we get food outside for lunch...hopefully that will be safe...because it takes at least an hour to prepare and marinate and I really want to get back to the oven cleaning A.S.A.P.! Taxes usually take a few hours for us and the stress comes with the fact that for some reason, we always end up needing to go back home for some other document here or there. I just don't ever know what to expect! Anyway, hoping all will go smoothly, but I likely won't be much available today until i dunno when. *takes a deep breath* Hehe but not to get everyone all stressed even more, including myself...hmm trying to think a happy thought here...uhhh...i really don't know. My mind is racing kinda but nothing necessarily generically happy. I've got a song in my head from my favorite album and the weather is nice-ish, maybe. Hehe

I hope your taxes went well.

I am marinating as well! We are having steak Monday night and I like to really flavor the meat and tender it up.

I understand about the racing thoughts. Sometimes it's hard to hold onto one as they go flying by lol.

What movie series were you watching if you don't mind telling me?

I've been on a break from the forums for awhile and might not stay long now either because of x, y, and z, but I have finally had that appointment with my GP and things are finally starting to progress in the sense that he's really getting a better idea of me and with what's going on. He was concerned about my moods specifically, so we spent a good amount of time discussing this and I recounted my latest elevated mood episode which I was finishing up as I spoke with him. He asked me "do you ever do anything reckless like driving at high speeds or spending a lot of money that you don't have?" I said, well, no. I don't do anything really reckless like that. "what about (and now I can't remember the exact wording but like) writing excessive or lengthy emails or messages?" and I said, "well, perhaps I did in the past, but now I seem to have that in control. If someone lets me and is receptive of longer messages, I do that, but if I get the sense that they don't want to talk or if I'm just getting to know someone, I try to keep it short. He said, "well then you don't have hypomania". I am relieved in the sense that I don't have to take more medications and that I can enjoy the highs that I do get, but I'm also just still stumped by what this is that I DO have. I mean, these are abnormal highs for me...or these are not my typical moods and more elevated than just having a good day. It's odd.

Oh and then now we are into the topic of marital help. I'd mentioned that I was having some issues and kinda wanted him to advise couple's counseling. This was after the appointment though, so he couldn't speak with my husband for his side of the story. He messaged me back asking if we could do another session. Well, turns out, hubby is refusing to talk to him about this. I told this to doctor tonight. Will hopefully see what he says tomorrow.

Meanwhile, it's strange, but hubby was very affectionate and comforting-like tonight and we actually cuddled. (my anger from the past few days finally subsiding some but we still have issues). It was really nice and comfortable, though it makes me kinda wonder if it's just his way of keeping me from pursuing outside help for us. I really think it's needed though.

Forgot to mention the GP prescribed a new med for me to aid in sleep as well as to eventually replace the Clonazapam for anxiety.

Well, I tried the Gabapentin last night and while it still took me a minute to fall asleep initially (got in bed at 12:45am, but didn't fall asleep until after 1:15am), it did help me stay sleepy and relaxed throughout the night...although I did have earbuds in as well for the first half of the night, but I don't think that mattered as I slept well after...and now I'm up and awake since 10:30am and feeling, well, better! So, yea...oh and no side effects (i think. i hope)
Now just to see how it will work for my anxiety. I'll be slowly tapering off of the Clonazepam now too.

That's great! I find gabapentin to be really helpful. I've been on a small dose up to a medium dose over a lot of years and it has been consistently helpful, even when tapering incredibly slowly off clonazepam and dealing with some really difficult life events during the time I've been coming off the clonazepam.

Good to hear, giddykitty. I hope your taper off klonopin goes well. When are you starting your taper?

I'm not so sure if it's a result of the Gabapentin or if I was just too anxious to get back to writing my story (I didn't get to write any words yesterday). But the fact is that I kept waking up feeling it was time to wake up, but it wasn't. First it was around 7:30a and then again at 8:30am. At 8:30 I just got up. I figured I could take a nap later if I needed it...at least I hope I'll be able to do so and without guilt. I did get in half of my daily words goal for today already, so that's a good start!
Oh, but so I guess the Gabapentin was/is working to reduce my need for excess sleep (??)...actually, come to think of it, I still required a nap yesterday for like an hour...I don't know. And it's probably too soon to tell how this works for anxiety since I've only started half doses of Clonazepam yesterday. (is that too drastic of a "taper"? It was GP's recommendation.) And finally, I believe I forgot to mention this part of it before. The Gabapentin is supposed to help with my OCD tics...but it doesn't seem to be making a difference at all right now. I was picking at my fingernails again last night, with the nagging annoyed feeling when I tried stopping, so I just had to finish "fixing" until it was good enough. Sigh! I dunno! Perhaps it just takes some time until this med starts working fully.

@bluebicycle I started the taper yesterday as you can see above

@BeyondtheRainbow is the half doze of Clonazapan too drastic of a taper you think?

I see your signature says you're prescribed 0.5mg of Klonopin. Is your signature up to date?

Assuming your signature is up to date, I would say that 0.5mg of Klonopin is a very low dose since it is the smallest dose that manufacturers will produce. So, going from 0.5mg to 0.25mg is not a large jump in my (non medical) opinion. But if you feel that cutting down to 0.25mg is too fast, you can always cut the tablets into 4ths and take 3 of the 4 pieces everyday until you feel comfortable taking only 2 of the 4 pieces (AKA half of the original tablet).

When it comes to going off a med completely (i.e., the last stage of the taper), some people find that it helps if they take their dose every other day rather than everyday. Then, if needed, they will space it out by taking it every three days. My pdoc told me to do this with Lexapro when I tried to go off it, and it didn't really help if I'm honest, BUT it does work for some people and I think it's worth a shot. However, you should *DEFINITELY* contact your dr about this approach before doing it. I do not recommend my approach without talking to your dr first.

It will take more time to be able to draw any conclusions about what the gabapentin is doing for you. It's only been 2 nights. Consider also that withdrawal is confounding the situation. It's part of the dynamic.

I came to realize gabapentin's benefits over time. Not immediately. I don't know if it had to build up or not, or if I just needed to give it time to reveal itself to me, but that was my experience.

Glad you are off to a good start with your words goal.

I hope you're having a good day

many hugs

Yea Blue! My Sig is up to date. Thank you all for the tips and support! Hope you're doing well too! (((Hugs)))

I'd go with what Blue said about tapering and doing so in conjunction with your doctor.

I've been tapering down from 2-3 mg/day but it's taking a very long time because I went down .25 mg and then my father died and we waited a long time to go down again so I was stable and then we went down .25 mg a year later than the first taper and immediately a loved one got seriously ill and now COVID-19 has happened. So it probably will be nearly a year before we go down again I'd guess. It can be done MUCH faster than I'm doing it; my life is just making it tricky. For what it's worth I've really not had much trouble with it, just a week or two of feeling off. But I'd hoped to be done by now and I'm still on 1.5 mg/day. However I'd rather go this slowly and respond to life events than to fail and have to face the taper again knowing I hadn't succeeded before.

Good luck to you.

I'm really not feeling well tonight. I suddenly started feeling really tired and kinda weak with a headache. I'm also feeling sad and missing someone. I think I'm going to sleep right now and hope the pain goes away, but I feel somehow that I won't feel better. Ok I'm not even sure if I'm still making sense. Need to sleep now.

How are you feeling today?

I'm hanging in there.

This morning I will go in for my bloodwork (and maybe get weight checked). It's the first time I will be doing the whole cholesterol and blood glucose (I think) stuff, so hopefully I'm in a healthy range. Otherwise it will just give hubby another thing to lecture me about (stress me about) which just makes me gain more weight, right? Sigh! I'm anxious just thinking about all this now. I really hope the results are good, but I'm a little scared. :/

glad you're hanging in there

oh dear.. medical stuff

When I was a bit younger a GP slammed me as ''the worried well'' as I felt that cervical smear tests should be done more than every 5 years and I was concerned about 2 or more health issues I had. I didn't go to a doctor very often. But now I avoid avoid avoid. I have no idea what any of my ''vital'' things are. Going to a doctor makes me ill That is me personally, in my forest, its not good advice for most people (and it's not to do with this latest ''situation'' Its been going on for me for a long time, and this of course makes my so called ''paranoia'' about visiting any medic or other even worse

Sorry about the rant, feel free to ignore it

hugs to you Fuzzybear!! That's a horrible place to be in! I hope you'll find some good care one of these days and actually enjoy going to the doctor again (well, you know, in a normal sort of enjoyment way. not sure we actually enjoy going, although when we know we'll feel better after, then maybe there is some enjoyment. i dunno)

So, I'm wondering why I seem to keep forgetting to take my meds after lunch. I mean, like an hour after lunch. I can understand because an hour is an odd time to hold a thought. But then today, ugh!, I literally just took them out, put them in my pocket to get water, and then forgot again! wth?!! And I also took a nap again tonight. At first I thought the naps were from the Gabapentin making me sleepy, but now I'm wondering if it's from missing these afternoon meds (aspirin actually). And I feel like kinda depressedlike too before sleeping, but there's also the tiredness. Sigh!

Set the alarm on your phone. That can help.

I've always struggled with remembering mid-day meds (when I've had them. I don't currently.)

Hi giddykitty,
I was wondering... re an earlier question in this thread, do you want any responders to this thread to be more reassuring and comforting, rather than challenging and pushing for growth? Do you want to make any changes? If so, what area(s?) do you want to work on maybe changing?

Thanks! But the problem the other day was that I literally had them in my hand but then put them in my pocket to get water and by the time my water was filled, I had forgotten all about them. I'm hoping it was just a fluke. Maybe I was distracted by something. I've forgotten meds and vitamins before when putting them in my pocket (well, mostly vitamins) so maybe I need to stop doing that. :/