Giddy's Thoughts #1

Feeling a bit better, but I didn't sleep well last night. Hubs is worried about something and kept me up half the night worrying about him. I hope things go well for him today and we both get some sleep tonight. <3

Hope it’s okay if I reply, just wanted to say that I hope you’re doing okay giddykitty and got some sleep

A lot of pills you take and o have a lot on my mind and I need help writing and poetry and stories I want rock write some blogs about myself. Please give me some thoughts or topics to write about.

@Blue_Bird Of course it's ok if you reply! Thanks for this! I did get sleep last night. In fact, I got too much sleep (again. :/) I was trying to remember when I when to sleep, but I know I was awake at 8am, but then I napped again from ??? to 1pm. I was a bit disappointed because I slept through my soap opera again. :/ I'm hoping it's all just pms tiredness and not something wrong with me. I've been taking a lot of naps lately and sleeping longer even when I do go to bed earlier. hmm

@Jewerlygirl1986 Um, not sure what your post has to do with my thread here. These are just my personal thoughts, a journal if you will here on PC. If you have questions or anything, you might want to start your own thread to ask folks for ideas. I'm still not sure what I can do. Good luck!

Hugs

Supposing I should update this since it's been a few. I'm just so tired lately! I suppose it could go hand n hand with being a bit lazy. I set an alarm and got up today and I'm gonna try to stay up this time...and exercise even!! (Just a little walk...oh! But I found a fun new video on arm exercises I want to try!) Funny! I was up and going by bedtime last night. Didn't want to sleep. But when hubby suggested I take a little walk inside the house, I dunno, I just felt like jumping into bed. I guess I wanted to be warm and cozy, but I did shake my leg for awhile to burn off some energy. I woke up again tempted to come online, but I finally went back to sleep. Then I woke up a third time when hubby got up for work. I still had 2 hours before my alarm, so I went back to sleep. (Like I said, I wanted to get up and stay up today). So now, I'm awake for the final time today (hopefully) and I'm ready to start the day!

Maybe I'll just stop at there. I was going to say something about my picking though. It's actually maybe a little better (?) But I did pick at one nail this morning. I'll go file it down so I'm not tempted anymore. I trimmed another possible temptation last night. I only have one more long nail left really, but it hasn't bothered me yet, so I'll keep it till it does.

Seriously, we are not our mental illnesses, but I do think it's important to keep track of these things, especially if you have to talk about them with a professional soon. I've been really bad about keeping a personal journal, so this is my outlet right now. I'm lucky, I guess, in that I haven't been really moody lately. It's just the sleep issues and the obsessive compulsive things (I eat compulsively too sometimes, like with pretzels-gluten free and crackers-Oh wait, those aren't GF tsk, tsk, tsk) but have also been trying to incorporate more healthy fats and veggies in my diet, so I think that helps.

Ok, I'm going to wrap this up (because I'm already boring and self hate, self hate-wait! What?!...guess I'm a little moody) before I drone on too much. Anyway, I appreciate the reads and the hugs. Take care everyone!

Ok, so I'm not doing a very good job today of staying offline. If I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. But I did start in a new direction (will touch on that in a sec) and I at least got outside for 10-15 minutes in this gorgeous spring weather. *snuggles

But that brings me back to the whole point of why I'm seeking insight into myself. These good feelings may not be extreme enough, it's too soon to tell. However, it brings me back to the incidents that made me consider hypomania in the first place.
The feelings I experienced in 2016 and the behaviors I made whilst feeling this "on top of the world" feeling are being remembered today. and subsequently, that all started in spring too. It was a pleasant experience of community with this particular group and I was feeling some real camaraderie and closeness with a special few. I call them my "favorite person/s". I thought they were experiencing the same bliss, if you will, that I was experiencing with the relationship. I was blind to any possible clues that that was not the case. I still don't know if it was ignorance on my part or if it could have been the mood induced haze...perhaps it was a bit of both. But I was flyin! ...until I finally got the first true sign of pushback. Then I became defensive, aggressive and irritated as well as confused. I recklessly acted stupidly because of this anxiety and things just spiraled from there...there was some peace for a little while, but ultimately it all ended leaving me in the one of the worst depressive states of my existence.

And that "new direction" I had mentioned earlier...well, I'm making actions to get back into this writing program again. I'm already spread thin, but I'm feeling this creative bug again that I haven't felt in 2 years! I was reasoning that I'd do this to get me away from so much screentime (ironically, I type so much better than physically writing with pen and paper, but I'll try the pen and paper thing too)...but I'm worried that it will just give me an additional place to spend more hours online when I'm trying to cut back!...I dunno. But to me, this is what I would consider my "hypomania"....perhaps it's not true hypomania, but maybe it is! I neglect other things, important things, because I'm lost in these "hobbies"! I guess it just depends how much this happens...so I'm going to be tracking this now, likely here, with what concerns me....

today I'm in a hyper good mood, restless and unable to be there for others because I'm stuck in my world...it truly concerns me.

Thanks for reading!

I really like journaling.

@giddykitty I totally understand the depression that would come from a relationship crumbling. Just yesterday, in fact, my T commented on how sensitive I am and how frequently and reliably something like that pushes or kicks me into a slump.

As to writing, does it have to be a formal programme? There are so many ways to stimulate creativity both within oneself and based on outside input.

Im sorry your struggling. Honestly what I think will help you the most is putting structure into your life.. When your alarm goes off GET UP. Wash your face, brush your teeth, Skin routine if you have any.. Make your bed... And stay out of your bedroom..

Set certain tasks you must do before you get online.. Maybe.... clean the bathroom, vaccum , dust and clean kitchen, Do it every single day... Your building structure. When you feel the need to take a nap , well Dont .. Get up and go for a walk... You might have to go take a walk 5 times a day.

When depressed its hard to find motivation to do anything, But meds only do so much, We are responsible for doing everything we can to strive for stability.

So make a list of things you can do daily to help you from getting online right off the bat.

As for friendships falling apart , It sucks , awful and terrible but you cant let it sling you down a dark hole..

So... Pull out paper and pen and write a list of things you can do in your home that has nothing to do with online.. Do you chart your moods daily? There are tons of apps that you can try and find one you like, I say journal each day.. You do from what I see in your post have some Borderline going on, Im no Doctor of course , just an observation, There are DBT work books you can order off Amazon that you can work through. It might help you regulate your emotions better.

Hope your feeling better soon.. When is your appt with a Pdoc? soon I hope

Thank you all for reading and your responses!

@whatever2013 might I ask for some tips on journaling?

@Daonnachd sorry you struggle too. If you keep reading, I'll further explain some more of what happened. It was really rough! As far as the writing, well I feel I get a bit of structure with the program, plus it's new this year and I'm curious about how it is changing. It still will be a lot of independent work tho. I dunno.

@~Christina Wow! Thank you for that and thinking about what I might need. Unfortunately change like that is not easy or even possible in my mind?? Um, sorry. Im thinking about breakfast for example. I have all my medicines and supplements laid out by my bedside so I actually eat in bed to get quick access to all of those. But I can try some of the other things,...maybe...eh hem. It's just so hard! I've a million reasons but you are not the first person to make such suggestions.

Also, I was wondering where you got borderline from (besides the "favorite person" thing) so then I reread my post and realized that I didn't make it clear that these moods were happening over a period of 8 to 10 months. Like I had euphoric moods through spring, sprinkled with anxiety as well as excitement. Then it started to turn more dysphoric towards summer with lots of anxiety and confusion and hurt. Was the first sign something was wrong. Then there was peace again. Euphoria returned. I felt like I'd forgotten everything bad that was said to me and that everything was forgotten, on both sides. But then paranoia started seeping in by fall when I was getting some negativity from other people, not even the persons I was concerned with. And by the end of the year, bam! I was suddenly left by the first person. Still talking to the second person through all of this, they tried to sort out what happened, to help me even, and we continued being friends until they started getting busy and I got paranoid again. They never expressed outright that i was bothering them, but they ultimately chose to go with their friend and abandon me too. Being strung along that second year was like a mixed bag. It was good in that at first I knew I wasn't totally abandoned, but then ultimately I was and even though I saw it coming the second time, knew it couldn't last (was too good to be true) it still hurt like a ton of bricks! But again, the first was even more devastating because it was just like, bam! No real warning on a personal level. Like they kept saying that I was fine to them personally. Was just a real head screw!
So yeah, took me about 3 years to fully move on from that and well, I still get triggered sometimes.

But so I'm not sure that I was exactly moody as opposed to having these extended mood episodes, possibly even mixed episodes at some points. Oh, the other thing of it is that I was tested for this and got no bpd traits. I did, however, present with some traits of dependant personality disorder. But again, no official dx of personality disorder, just G AD, unspecified bipolar presenting with depression when I was tested (the testing unfortunately didn't happen until a year or more after I started therapy)

Oh, I'll be seeing my GP last week of March. We'll discuss possibly re entering therapy and psychiatric help then.

Hi! Wanted to leave you this. Maybe you already know about this?

Fish Oil, Vitamin B-12 May Offer Relief During That Time of the Month

Much Love

I agree with Christina that at least there may be a Borderline trait or two, but in my opinion, having read everything you've written, your moods are, for the most part, and to use an unfortunate phrase, 'normal'...

If you test/ask a massive cohort of people about their changes in mood and the reasons why, you will find exactly what you have written about: mostly stability, however with ups and downs, largely in response to environmental triggers. If a graph were drawn, I don't see your moods entering dangerous territory.

It appears to me that you *want*, above all, a diagnosis. That is, you want us to support the notion that something is terribly 'wrong' with you. I can't support this, for the reasons cited above.

I do suggest, as many have, that you consult a pdoc, however I would caution against presenting as a 'typical' BP patient in order to get the diagnosis you seek. If you do see a pdoc, please go in there with an open mind. Keeping a mood journal is a great idea, but please don't go in there with your mind made up.

I think that taking breaks from the internet/social media might benefit you. And I mean your mental health and your search for a diagnosis. It can become a feedback loop that either confirms or denies your own opinions concerning your mental health, and I fear you will set aside any suggestions that you might not meet the criteria for the diagnosis you're wishing for.

I wish you the best of luck. I do hope you're able to get referrals to a pdoc and a therapist. Also, Christina's suggestion that you do DBT I think is a good one. I haven't done it, but my understanding is that it's not just for those with BPD, and that it could, potentially, help everyone and anyone.

This ^^^^^^offered by Gabyunbound is on the money, in my own humble opinion.

In reality, MANY have offered you great advice over the time you have been with us.

Giddy, seeking (and being diagnosed with) a diagnosis you think you want (and do not have)can have long-term adverse effects upon your life.
Should you mislead a pdoc (consciously or not) and you receive a diagnosis, the diagnosis will follow you for a lifetime. At some point you may discover this is not only incorrect , but is also no longer desired and you will not be able to get rid of the diagnostic history , nor any detrimental effects upon your life.

Many of us had suggested, when you first came to this site, that you keep a mood chart and possibly a diary, that you stop seeking to fit any particular diagnosis and that you see a pdoc.

I am unsure as to why you will not heed any of this advice and am also unsure of what you are looking for while you are here? I am not saying you have no place here, don't get me wrong. Many people have taken a LOT of time to read your very many posts and have offered a LOT of advice. You blow it off and/or invalidate almost anything anyone offers to you. This is your perogative, of course; yet, it leaves me puzzled as to what you are looking for from this community?

I AM concerned about you and I do think you have very real needs.: however, it certainly appears as though you not addressing them.
There comes a time when many of us give up because we feel you still are not listening, or not listening enough to take some real measures which will make real changes in your life. If you don't care then who should?

You could investigate DBT simply be visiting dbtselfhelp.com. This site is largely written by people who have mastered DBT and hope to offer others the same opportunity (at no charge). The site has been successful; it has been offering DBT lessons/opportunities and support since 2001.

Please do reconsider some of the suggestions .
Please do take a look at DBT.

In the very least, please see a pdoc and a therapist. I honestly think a therapist might help you in a very big way. It's clear you can benefit from some help in sorting things out as well as some support while doing so.

I hope you will find whatever is truly most helpful to you, not only now, but also in the longer term aspects of your life.

Please do tell us how we CAN help?

We do care.

Good luck with that GP giddy kitty. I hope that GP listens to you.

In my humble opinion and experience, having NO diagnosis is much preferable to having an incorrect diagnosis.

I have not read all your posts but I too sense some ''normal'' moods and not a diagnosis of a Severe Mental Illness. Believe me, you do not want such a diagnosis if it is not correct, and neither would you want the heavy duty ''meds'' which would often accompany such a diagnosis (whether correct or not)

Aside from that, on pc, I'm not sure if you've explored the ''games forum'' - there are many word games etc which are good for distraction.

I too recommend DBT, this helps many, with or without a ''borderline'' diagnosis.

much love

Hi giddykitty

Maybe you could give us some tips for journalling?

I am also sensitive..

I actually didn't know about this, but I have been taking both for quite some time (well, actually I take b-6 now, but took b-12 for many months before). It didn't work for cramping though. Sadly.

I don't know why I can't seem to multiquote, so I just have to tag in the rest of the folks, I guess. @Fuzzybear @Gabyunbound @~Christina and might as well tag you too @Wild Coyote and anyone else concerned or reading...
Please hear me out.

Well, to this particular quote,

WC, where IS all this coming from? I don't heed ANY advice??!! When did I ever say that?

-Journaling and mood charts-I have been doing those on and off since joining here (and maybe even before when my NPdoc required it). I can't say that I've been very good at it or that it's been very helpful (well, some of it. when I keep it short and sweet), but the longer posts, i mean, how am I ever to look back and find anything in this mess?? And, fyi, I did those mood charts and my NPdoc never even looked at them! :/

-DBT-have already tried it-didn't work for me

-I told Christina (in PM) that I had already been working on some of her suggestions...but it IS hard or next to impossible for a lot of those suggestions and for a number of reasons

-Fuzzy- I have also been trying some of the games here, but so far I haven't had much time for fun and games...i also use the chat.

I'm getting mixed messages here. I'm "normal" but I have issues?? what does that mean? Ok, ok, I understand and respect that you don't think I should want to be labeled as something that I don't have, that "no diagnosis is better than the wrong diagnosis". But if I'm having normal experiences, why then is it such an imperative that I even see a pdoc? And that brings me to my final point. I feel like some of you don't respect me unless I have a pdoc (have you even considered that they might all be terrible here?)

-how CAN you help? You can start by reading this journal thread regularly that a few of you insisted I do (against what I thought might be most beneficial to me...but I "heeded" that advice). But Just be supportive and sympathetic. share examples of what works for you or for others, but remember that all people and circumstances are different and what works for someone may not work for me. so be patient and understanding if and when I say I've tried something and it doesn't work. And/or be sympathetic to my fears and anxieties about doing new things. Most of you do this already and I see it being done for others, so I don't think this is too much to ask.

I do love and care about ALL of you too! I wouldn't be communicating with you so much if I didn't! But it is getting exhausting explaining myself time after time when it seems I am not being heard (just as you seem to think you are not being heard). I'd hate for it to come to this, but if I feel like we'll just never be in agreement, then maybe I'll have to stop replying or even stop posting in this section altogether. Just so you know, I've been pretty upset about these things for the past few days and I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't care.

Hugs and love to you all!

I'm sending hugs and respect


I didn't know you'd tried DBT. I had a good friend who didn't find DBT helpful. I don't know where she is now

I have heard that sometimes providers are not understanding. But there some who are understanding.

If you use an online resource you can go at your own pace. :-)

Was it online or IRL, the DBT? Or a self help workbook?

It would be worth giving DBT another try though I think.. some people have several ''rounds'' of DBT.

Is there something in particular about DBT that doesn't help?

How are things today? I'm not feeling that good today (understatement) ... not anything to do with anything in this thread. (grouphug)

If you find writing here helpful, I'm listening

Addressing one of your questions...


The idea is that a pdoc is there to provide an accurate diagnosis.

Do all pdocs always provide accurate diagnoses? Probably not

But there is probably a better chance of a pdoc giving an accurate ''diagnosis'' than me for example since I do not have a degree in medicine/psychology.

I think that even a ''mediocre'' pdoc may be of more help to you than an ''average'' GP. GP's really are NOT trained in psych. And in my experience, some of them are worse than useless.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Quite the busy day. Oh and I meant to go look for my DBT workbook pages to help answer your questions better.
Well, I can say it was IRL... she worked out of a workbook and basically spent the session reading to me. :P nah! Sorry, I exaggerate a bit. She Did explain a few things and clarify when I had questions. We did a few drills there but most was meant for at home. I never felt mastery at the things, but she said I was doing fine. We stopped for a minute when she had asked my hubby and parents to write a letter to her describing my good qualities. Frankly, parents didn't have a lot to say and I'm not sure I'm even actually any good at some of what they said. Husband, omg, wrote how I used to be good at crochet and cooking for instance but now I don't really do much. Yeah, my supposed partner couldn't even come up with one thing! She said that says more about him than me. This is why I want couple's counseling...well, like part of the main reason. Anyway, back to DBT, well we progressed a bit more, but then I got stuck with the creative stuff. Like, I couldn't really participate in these activities as examples and never will...and like it was asking me to change things that I couldn't change or something (this is where my notes might be helpful). But so basically if I couldn't do that exercise, I couldn't move on so we both agreed it would be a waste of time and money to continue. :/ Believe me, I felt pretty bummed after that.

Sorry you didn't have such a great day. Are you feeling any better now? I'm...i don't really know how I am. No, I guess I'm just tired...although I seem to have some energy atm. Weird. But not like exercising energy. I've been avoiding it for as long as possible (the crap virus of the day), but its starting to affect me. Food items running out and I'm staying home and I'm stressing about guaranteeing hubby s lunches because a lot of restaurants will be closing by his work. Ugh! But he has no lunch for tomorrow. He says there HAS to be something open. For both our sakes, I really hope so! Because he gets crabby when hungry. Hopefully I'll be able to make a good meal...

On another note, pdoc related, she was getting sick of my constant complaining about my cooking anxiety. Ironically, it has gotten better now after a few months away from it. Not that it's related, it's just too bad she can't see the progress that she was demanding for next meeting (that never happened)...i mean, its not like the anxiety would have been gone at that point anyway, and I'm clearly starting to stress again. Sigh! Sorry for whining.

Part of why pdoc ended was because she wanted to see me doing more things and me doing more things with hubby. The things with hubby never really really happened. I mean, there were a few times, but not regular and that was much past the fact too, so we just didn't want to keep revisiting the same story over and over and pay for a visit just to refill prescriptions and wait for 3 hours for the appointment (ok, the last time was a VERY long wait, but most visits were still more than reasonably long waits and it wasn't easy getting appointments either, so you had to suck it up and waste your whole day there. Sigh) My GP can fill my prescriptions several times over without me having to come in for almost a year! Although I have been seeing him every couple of months now for like the last year.

Ok, now I'm sorry for droning on....bleh!

Hi Giddykitty,

First of all, I love kitties too!! I'm like a cat lady with only one cat. I'm obsessed with him!

Just two things: "normal with issues" is precisely what 'normal' looks like. *Everyone* has issues. This doesn't mean you are not an entirely unique human being; you are.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I've suggested you see a pdoc so that you can -hopefully- get an accurate diagnosis (or none), instead of relying on non-experts like us. We can give our opinions, and obviously I have, but only a true diagnostician, one who truly gets to know you before making a diagnosis, can make that determination. Now, if you feel that, for example, the first pdoc has made a (non)-diagnosis too hastily, you can always seek a second opinion; I personally feel that a diagnosis should not be made during the first appointment, unless, I suppose, if you do one of those hours-long psych assessments.

Good luck in your search.

Hey all!

Ok, so to @Fuzzybear I just dug up my DBT papers. Haven't had time to really look over them again, but what I think was the last page I received was about requiring a validating environment, with people who validate your feelings and encourage you in your quest for self improvement but are patient etc, etc... As I was saying yesterday, it's been a little difficult with hubby. I will say that more recently though as I was finally able to find this online now about the "love languages", I've been able to pick a few that I really need and am lacking and he has seemingly been trying a little. So I count my blessings. But yes, it's still difficult in those moments where he thinks I'm overreacting and/or that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling but feeling what he's feeling (you know, because he's always right of course. *rolls eyes)...but yesterday he started to do this about something and then continued to say something about if he were in charge he could end world hunger or some ridiculously overconfident statement. He WAS exaggerating in fact though, and I totally called him out on it saying "now you're REALLY being ridiculous!...about all of it!" And he laughed...so I guess that just means he likes to push my buttons sometimes, but I laughed too. Sometimes you just gotta have a sense of humor about things...take advantage of those moments to relax. Oh, but the other point I was getting to was that I feel like I'm also getting better at standing up for myself...

but that could very much be a mood thing. When I was depressed, I was too tired to argue or fight back, nor could I even think of what I could possibly even say to get through to his "always has an answer for everything" mind...you have to be really clever when you want to talk to him. It's not necessarily a bad thing or not bad all of the time. He's really helped improve me in many ways, but it's difficult when he seems to get away with his, at times, ridiculous thinking making most days a challenge. Sigh! Ok, that was another long answer to your question. Moving on!

@Gabyunbound (and everyone) Yay kitties!! <3 But in all seriousness, I see your point. I hear you. Thing of it is, and maybe I wasn't clear about this before, but I did take one of those hours-long psych assessments in addition to many months, maybe even a year of seeing the NPdoc and then the actual Pdoc. So, I feel like I have a pretty accurate diagnosis...NOW...but this took me a lot of asking all of you questions and really discovering what all these dxs actually mean! Like, I didn't accept the diagnoses at the time, because I didn't quite understand them. I feel like I'm now just seeking ways to deal with my issues and I'm curious about my past circumstances so that I don't repeat behaviors again, IF in fact, it was me or my issues that resulted in not so pleasant results. I think it's a little bit of both my issues as well as the issues of the other people I was trying to communicate with.

I will say that mindfullness and being self-aware (which my former therapist actually recognized that I am in fact quite good at) as well as recognizing and understanding my emotions and imagining different scenarios based on how I act on those feelings (something I was not so good at for the longest time) is a very important thing for me...but I'm not sure that's all or any of what I learned in my DBT experience. I mean, sure there was some, but I had already learned a lot from a book or two and lots and lots of curious searches on the internet/reading folks' experiences on here and other forums.

So, my final point to wrap ALL of this up is that I'm not trying to be argumentative or troublesome ever, nor am I saying that seeing another pdoc and/or therapist isn't a possiblity for me, but I have done pretty much everything I can now except maintenance...and so far, I feel like I'm getting sooo much help just from these forums and my GP is there as a professional to keep track of my entire wellbeing and not just prescribing medicines to patch a problem. His whole philosophy is to treat the whole person, so while he's not an expert in psychology for example, he's got a pretty good understanding and knows a lot of natural remedies for these things to try before mental physicians need to be added. I hope this makes sense!

Well, I just finished dusting and sweeping upstairs. Took me almost an hour because omg it was dusty! It gets neglected because it's so cold up there in winter and we never really use the upstairs. But it's even worse now since the window ACs had been installed. In fact, it almost never was dusty up there before, but now we get dust, dirt and parts of the bird's nests that have subsequently come along. Bleh!

Anyway, but I found a book of short stories I've never really read and my coloring book...and even a sock left by my nephew when they stayed cough cough two? summers ago. (Omg) I was actually hoping it was my long lost gloves, but no such luck. No luck on the colored pencils yet either, but i didnt really look everywhere for them.

Hubby is finally off the phone for now, so I should ...but I'm tired now! Bleh!

Oh, fyi he's starting to work from home now. Not required yet, but since he was the only one in the office yesterday and had an early morning meeting today, he decided to stay home and sleep in.