Giddy's Thoughts #1

Your welcome , I hope you find the help in whatever form it is you need

Hi Giddykitty

In one of your posts, you said that you had done some DBT specifically for BPD. Were you diagnosed with that by a previous pdoc or T?

Some people who refuse to work with a psychiatrist have a disorder called "factitious disorder." I'm not saying you have it, just suggesting that you might read about it. Please don't rely upon online tests to diagnose yourself. I have never seen even one of those tests that are accurate enough to diagnose.

Did DBT for BPD traits. But no, I wasn't actually diagnosed with it. Came back negative. Oddly, testing came back with results of traits of dependant personality disorder, but I think that's just because I physically depend so much on my husband and by life choices I've made. I don't seem to relate much to the experiences I've read from other sufferers. I'm not like afraid to be away from my husband when he has to go to work for instance. And yeah, the DBT wasn't really doing much for me like how others have described it to cope with their emotions. I think I do relatively fine...i think.

Hmm, never heard of this until today. I am sure I don't have IT though. I guess I can see where you're coming from though. My husband also said I'm not going to be taken seriously if I keep telling doctors medical jargon or stuff I read to explain my situation as if I'm in the know. "Just tell em your symptoms" he says. I explained that I thought I was doing that, that I just wanted to be sure I was explaining things to the professionals that made sense. I didn't know! I never sought psychiatric help before! But I did back off on that after he told me to, because I really did and do want to get better. And I think I have been better with the depression and anxiety. It's just that with this upswing my anxiety has been worse again and I've been De eloping some OCD habits too like hair twirling and picking at my fingernails to fix them. I posted about these things here, as well as on another forum. The other forum actually informed me that there was a name for the fingernail picking and that in some cases it's even considered self harm. I don't think that's my case. I'm just trying to fix my nails. It's different because and this is definitely not coming from the same place as the self loathing I had back then. I never got obsessed with it though, frankly because I don't think I did it right. I didn't exactly get any rush of endorphins. It just hurt like he'll!

I feel like I've had my diagnosis and I followed up with the pdoc for like at least a year. Probably could get reassessed, but I'd have to find a better pdoc.

Wow! This really has me thinking about my past again. I was also suffering from a brief period of eating disorder at the time (of college) too when I was really low and hating myself and my fat body. I told all of these thi gs to the college psychiatrist (or whatever his title was. I forget or didn't know about stuff then) and I felt super insulted when I was assigned a volunteer counselor. Like he didnt think my problems were serious enough! Not only that, the first one was beautiful and perfect seeming. How would she relate to what I was going through?! I couldn't trust myself to be open with her. Then I got a lady in a wheelchair. Omg! How could my problems possibly compare to hers?! I couldn't open up there either. It wouldn't be until marriage that I'd actually get a chance to take therapy seriously and see what it has to offer. Well, you know my story. I also tried group therapy once maybe twice (again, in college). I felt so out of place and i felt like everyone was judging me negatively when i shared. I shared about boy problems because that's all I could explain, but there was so much more going on there that I really wished someone could have seen!

giddykitty I've been through over 15 therapists most of them too squeamish and squishy to help me. My current one is okay when I'm healthy and doesn't know how to help when things are bad. I've learned to stick to terms and not go into details. Honestly it helps to know I'm too sick. I'm able to pretend well. The thing that helped me the most is having a therapist that wasn't squeamish and I could write to. it took me a year and a psychotic break to trust her. Keep trying to find someone that you click with well enough that they can help.

I've found the same, they don't know how to help when things are bad. grrrrrr.

I hope you find someone you click with giddykitty

Another good day today! Although I did just email my GP with my concerns anyway. So at least he'll have a heads up on some of the recent developments and I won't have to be so nervous about sharing them all or forgetting the important stuff. Still nervous about what my husband's reaction to all of this is going to be. He too is concerned about how much time I spend online...

But I feel good guys! Really! I just hate that I seem to always disappoint somebody no matter what I do! :/

Giddykitty, I can kind of relate to your search to figure out what's going on, as my situation has not been super clear and I am prone to ruminate and obsess a bit. Do you relate to being a bit obsessive, too? You mentioned the OCD tendencies which is part of why I asked. I think it makes sense you want to figure things out, but as other have suggested do try to strike a balance if you can. This stuff can take time. My therapist said she's learned you cannot make a diagnosis on the first appointment and need time to really get to know someone. I think it can be especially tough if more than one thing might be going on at the same time. I also want to encourage you to not give up on therapy just because you didn't find the right fit in the past. I have found therapy useless in the past, but finding my current therapist helpful because of her skills and way that she communicates. I hope you get the help you need! You deserve to feel better.

After coming down from the high yesterday and some of the different responses I've gotten from people lately, I'm beginning to doubt a bipolar2 dx again... Maybe I truly do suffer from MDD, but with these few weeks a month of elevated moods?? Gonna keep on tracking though to see if this pattern continues. I don't know that I've done anything outrageous, unless you count my "constant" analysis of this. (I don't know that I'd consider it constant...although maybe it is right now. I dunno!) Anyway, all I know is a lot of things suck, but at the same time, a lot of things are good. I like this perspective as a goal towards normalcy, to be able to strike a balance between "things could be better" and "things could be worse". I feel that way right now, but last night I was feeling sorry for myself and thinking more on how they could be better. I wonder if that also has to do with my extrovertism and my need to socialize but that the opportunity diminishes at night...lately. although tonight hubby and I will be visiting my family, so there will be some socializing then. But we might not stay long and one can never predict whether it will be an entirely pleasant visit or whether there will be discomfort/stress. :/ But I guess we will find out!

It's a great idea to keep tracking moods.

Stop in here, but don't let this (PC) be your focus, if you can help it. I tend to think keeping PC as a high priority might even skew some of your mood chart info.
I don't mean to imply you are not doing other things in life. I am just encouraging you to keep doing so and maybe do so even more?

The more data you have for a professional providers, the better they can help you, or so that is the hope.
After reading through your thread(s), I think it would potentially be extremely helpful if you could write in a journal, too.
It is possible the journal entries could later be paired with the mood chart and one might gain more insights into what goes on for you and just how to help you!

Have fun tonight!

Well, it's been about a week I guess and there really isn't very much to report. I've not been extreme either way. Actually, I've not been anything either way. Like, I think I'm at my "normal" or ideal.

Still online socializing a lot though. It helps my mood, but I don't do a whole lot of much else. I try harder during the week though. And try harder on my sleep schedule during the week too. Last night I stayed up until 3am so I could chat with a friend, after spending the day out at a party. Didn't get up till 12:30pm today. But like I said, it was a weekend day, so I feel I deserve a break from it all once in awhile. But tomorrow it's back to regular schedule. Aim to be up by 10am.

Another plan for tomorrow is to make a quick trip to the grocery store for ...oops! I'd better remember it! And then stop by the house I'm kitty sitting for. I am excited to see the "babies", and I hope to enjoy a bit of Netflix while there too. Wish my regular Netflix shows would come out again now though, but I'm sure I'll find something.

So it seems after about a week of being pretty stable, my mood is beginning to drop again this evening. I'm going to take a closer look at how my moods fluctuate during the day now because tomorrow morning i could be perfectly fine again. I dont know. Anyway, thanks for reading!

So, I observed that it took me 3.5hours with no breaks to go through most of my regular online routine this morning. That's crazy! And that doesn't even include FB or a couple of other forums (although they don't update as much). So, to counter this, I decided to try to stay offline for that same amount of time. Well, I think I did pretty good. Not quite 3.5, but 3 hours is still good. My prior record was 2hrs (while awake and not on vacation), so there's improvement. Still haven't managed to get 3 hours of work in yet though. (cooking doesn't count), um, but I've got a few other things I could still do today...if cooking doesn't take up the rest of my time. geez! it just might!...Well, my self imposed lunch break is about over, so I have to stop writing now.

Was posting this earlier and got distracted.

So I had a pretty good day too! Got stuff done and then went to visit "my" kitties. (Oh they're so cute and my buddy, "Graybee" was like cuddling with me on my coat while we watched Netflix. Then I came home and cooked and now I just finished eating. Yummy! Also, watching Nancy Drew right now, a favorite show.

Well, I overslept and was still tired but probably needed it because I guess I didn't sleep until after 2:30am...that's kinda late. And fingernail picking was keeping me up. Sigh! and I think I had some unpleasant dreams, but I must be repressing them because I only get glimpses and negative feelings. :/ Going to try to make the most of today though!

wanted to see the kitties again today and watch Lucifer. Looks like I'm not going to get time. :/

This might not make a lot of sense because I'm copying and pasting different thoughts throughout the day and distracted as I compile all this. oops!

Well, I guess I must just be enjoying life too much right now to be up to posting much. Lol Good right? I'm super excited about this new (newly discovered) show I started looking into the day before yesterday and watching it last night. I was afraid it might scare me, and it still might later on, but im super curious about it. I really enjoy one of the actors in it. And there's still another show i need to finish, but i ended the season I was on, so I figure it's a decent breaking point. All of this I have to watch at my parents place because I don't have Netflix, so I basically get another week to enjoy this until they return and take back their tv. I'm also enjoying the company of their kitties ("my" kitties I say because I adore them like they're my own). They've 2 baby boys, Graybee and Blackie (not real names). One is very shy, Blackie, but he comes around for special treats lol and occasionally let's me pet him till he purrs. And then there is Graybee, the extrovert. Lol He's super affectionate and my pal.

What else? We cooked a special meal tonight which was very tasty, and I finally got my pizza yesterday. Pretty good weekend I'd say. So I'm gonna share my good vibes with all of you now.

Hugs

My sleep is all goofy. I go to bed late and can manage to wake up early, but when I sleep at an earlier hour, I oversleep. Or is this just my way of compensating? I wish I could just have a normal schedule, but there are just too many variables that happen in a night that determine the amount of sleep I need...or am I just being stubborn? One person has told me I should get up same time every day no matter what (Well, obviously not if I'm very sick or up all night for something). Is that smart? Or do I just have enough of a disturbance on a regular basis that this is just impossible? I really don't know. Feel free to share your two cents or if you have more questions...

Hi

Hi @Fuzzybear <3

I feel like I have so much to update on, but I keep forgetting to do it here and get sucked into other random threads. Not like that's a bad thing, but I feel I should have more organization.

Now that I'm here though, I don't know what to say!

I mean, I'm prompted by things like my picking OCD stuff, and I checked out a FB group and got one suggestion (regular manicures and keeping fingers moisturized), but I'm not sure if that will work or if I...well, I mean it's winter and I'm just so dry. I was also advised that if or when I tell my hubby, to be prepared with literature on the subject. Wish we had a working printer though!

Anyway, something else, Uhhh, the diabetes scare. Well no, I haven't been diagnosed and it doesn't run in my family (although my mom's oldest sis did just get it. Eek! But that's our first case). As I said in another thread, hubby worries because it runs in his family and he knows what a pain it is and he sees my sedentary lifestyle and the fat, particularly around my midsection (not that he's not attracted to me still, but he worries). So, I'm meant to soon get tested for these things, but I've already got an appointment for other testing and it's in the afternoon and so it'd be hard to fast, plus I'm afraid of them taking too much blood at once. Anyway, so now I've gotta make another appointment. Stress!

Um, what else is going on? I'm trying to be better with my internet time. I seem better and yet I'm still on as much time as before probably. I mean, it's strange. Seems I'm checking threads less and if I sleep in late, well I don't have as much time in the morning...and I've pretty much stopped reading my FB timeline and just focusing on a few specific posts...but I suppose some threads I do visit, or posts on Twitter, lead me down that proverbial rabbits hole and I spend more time with that. Like for instance, I follow a 90s nostalgia thread and one post got me thinking about a tv show from back then and then I realized one of my present celebrity obsessions was in that and so I had to go watch that, or at least part of it, and then I had to go share the news among our fangroup... Sigh!

Well, this is enough for now, I think. I also need to get back to peeling garlic and ginger for our homemade ginger/garlic paste for tonight's dinner so...im off for now!

Ok, so I'm kinda disturbed at the moment by this particular season of a show I started watching...guess it illuminates some fears for me. I ugh, expressed my fear to someone online and they said the show isn't that bad. But see, this is from the male perspective and now I'm a little scared that I shared my fear. I dunno. Hopefully I'll get over it. I've been Googling all night trying to find ways to overcome fear. I feel a little bit better now...

Oh! but what brought me to this forum was to admit that while watching the show, I was engaging in my picking "ocd" thing again (for those who haven't read it yet, I haven't officially been seen nor diagnosed about this yet since it's really only been concerning since this year/couple of months). Anyway, so I suppose fear, which is kinda anxiety, right (?) is a trigger for my obsessive compulsive tendencies.

On a happier note, got to see my precious kitties again and shy Blackie was hovering around me even more again tonight. I realize that I might only be loved because I give out treats, lol, but this was even before that and after as well! <3 <3 <3 Too bad I can't live with him and possibly help him completely overcome his shyness...I suppose he's better with my folks too, but I know he still even gets jumpy with them. He won't even play with his toy on a string because it scares him! um...well, that wasn't a very happy ending....

How about this- does anyone else know someone who's smile just lights up their day?? They can be people you know or people you don't (like celebrities). I have a few and I just think of those happy smiles and it warms my heart! Happy smiles (and hugs) to all who need them/want them!!

I'm trying to fight these symptoms of depression with sunshine, coffee, and forcing myself awake. I dunno why lately I just feel so tired! I guess I'm a little bummed my "vacation" is over. :/
Suppose daylight savings didn't help either. I went to bed earlier, but since we pushed the clocks ahead an hour, it was pretty much pointless. Sigh!