Bipolar check-in #42

Thanks Bizi yes it seems like forever. Normally it’s 6 weeks but this time was 8 ! He’s a very kind compassionate Doctor so I know he will help me. I’m grateful my GP got me in with him quickly

CONGRATS!

So, where we going first???

Somehow I thought it was a 4 month wait.

so good 2 months is much better.
How are you? SOB etc?

bizi

I feel anxiety because my dog is sick. She's regurgitating. We've got an appointment with the vet on Friday. Meanwhile i am trying her on some special gastro-intestinal food. She seems a bit better but i want to get to the bottom of this. It could be cancer. I'm so upset! Please send some good vibes for my little girl!

Ugh I have been getting foot cramps all night. I had one for like 10 minutes, got rid of it then ended up with double foot cramps, one on each foot. Presently dealing with one. Not dehydrated and don't think I'm low on electrolytes. Wore decent shoes today. I am going to try more stretches this week and see if that helps.

Wide awake and don't even know why! Got to cut out caffeine earlier in the day. Otherwise doing okay, but stuck on a project at work and stressed about that.

Oh! My sibling is engaged. They are younger than me, and I will be the only one not married (but that's okay with me, I am in a committed relationship and not worried about marriage).

I love when Amber alerts work !! Such a blessing

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

Well for better or worse I'm buying a 2012 Ford Focus SE. It's a bit older than I wanted but in great shape, just one owner. Has all new transmission 6 month warranty on the car and a full year on the transmission. By buying this car I'll still have money in the bank! Called AARP and got a great quote so I already paid for the insurance and it starts tomorrow the day we pick it up. It kind of fell into our lap. The guy that has been fixing mum's car knew we were looking for a car when this one came to him. It's funny how small town it all is. His grandfather had a garage and my dad worked with him for the fun of it. This guy remembers my father. It's not red but it's a great running quiet car. Surprised me how quiet it was as I thought compact cars were noisy. Does have blue tooth. And that all important curse control. I'll have to dig my CDs out---- music!

Feeling kinda blue today. A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. I've started my new training which will last 7 weeks. It is a break from the anxiety inducing work I have to do, so I am grateful for that. A new position opened recently in the internal job postings, which believe it or not, I qualify for (The job will be available a week or so after I finish training). I went ahead and applied and updated my resume and wrote a cover letter explaining in part my situation (I have the requirements met, but technically I am kind of still a new hire) and of course selling myself shamelessly haha. I don't know if I'll get the job, but I would be so thrilled if it were to happen. My hopes are finding a job in my field though, so this is really contingency plan B. However, I'm wondering if I should really be doing this... at the risk of sounding pompous and conceited, I am well overqualified for the position that I only want as a plan B -- and I have a huge leg up based on my level of education and field of study. I could potentially take the position away from someone who truly wishes to stay with the company and move up and deservedly so. Now don't get me wrong -- this is a position I want, but I am afraid I'm really pushing someone out who deserves it more than I do. I just want to get out of the production floor and into my element. I may retract my application, I haven't been there very long and well, others deserve it more than me, enough said.

In the process of updating my resume and things I came across some old first year teaching and college work along with some photos of myself. I didn't recognize me anymore. That person doesn't exist anymore. The person who wrote those papers and lesson plans and assessments.... he is gone. I am so disappointed in myself. I worked very hard in college and my first few years of teaching. I had so much potential and now I am here. I've lost ambition and talent, to be sure -- but just overall demeanor. I don't even hold myself the same anymore. I know we all change over time but this is detrimental change and painful to look at where I am now and the lows I've hit along this path. I feel lost and sad. I just can't accept or believe this. I don't have the motivation or skill anymore to do what I used to. What was is now gone, and what is left going forward, pales in comparison.

I cried today. I just hate to look in the mirror and see who is there. Physically I am worse for wear and heavier too, mentally I am weak and frail and emotionally I'm an absolute mess. I know it's stupid to expect positive change without putting effort into doing it.. but I just don't see the point anymore, it's too far gone. I will never recover. Moments of hope flicker and disappear in terms of employment, happiness, relationships, family... but in the end I'm still where I am.

That's all I really got to say. Just to be clear I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. Please don't misconstrue my sentiments here -- it's sadness, remorse and self loathing, but I have no want to harm myself or anyone else.

Feeling crappy today. Not mood wise, just coming down with a cold. I’m drinking a ton of emergen-c though. I hope I’ll feel better tomorrow. I had to take off on Monday bc my son was sick (hence why I’m sick now) so I can’t take any more time off for awhile. This was supposed to be no call out January! Damn illness.

My student’s last day is tomorrow. He is being dropped from our school because of his behavior. I will be starting with one of the other students in the class on Friday. I’m a little sad because despite everything, I do like my student. But he needs a more structured environment. He is actually going to the first school I used to teach at, which is interesting. I told him it’s a good place. I hated it but I hated it more for the coworkers and less for the students.

I have a secret. I have not taken haldol in about three weeks. I first stopped because I kept forgetting to get it from the trunk of my car. But I noticed I felt no ill effects from stopping it so I haven’t taken it. The jaw twitches are gone and I have had no paranoia. So I’m going to stay off of it. It’s there if I need it. I haven’t told RS though. I need to. I always want to be completely honest with him.

It makes me want to stop all of my meds and see if I really need them anymore. But I don’t want to fall into that trap. I’m sure the reason I’ve been stable for so long is because I’m on the right medication. I just wish I didn’t have to take pills. Now I’m down to only two medications. So that’s not that bad.

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

Hey, all. I hope you're doing well.
I met with my T today. It was the first time since before Christmas. She told me that my experience Friday of waking up unable to breathe, talk, or move was not actually the first time that had happened to me. She could recall another treatment wherein I described such a situation.

Hi Daonnachd. Have you spoken with the anesthesiologist about these and received an indication if they will make adjustments? I think I remember you writing that the doctor noticed this issue last time. When it happened to me, the anesthesiologist ensured me it wouldn't happen again. It didn't.

I still feel very sick, physically. Hubby thinks it may be from food poisoning. Luckily, I have nothing on my calendar until next week.

My house is a mess, but neither hubby nor I feel well enough to do anything about it.