Bipolar check-in #42

I got a shower and washed my sheets and remade the bed and crawled in- aaaaahhhhhhh! It feels GREAT!

A warm hello!

I am not around as much lately. I have many demands upon me at this time.
Just one of these demands is in my continuing battle with the SSA and their blatant denial of my rights.

What's Up With Social Security Disability in 2020?

Trump Administration Quietly Goes After Disability Benefits
Trump Administration Quietly Goes After Disability Benefits – NOSSCR

While this topic can be stressful, it's only fair to have the opportunity to know more about what is being proposed.

Please take care!

**** my life, Wild Coyote.... I really hate trump even more now.

Today has felt like an eternity..

I have fallen into some TV shows and certainly some ER on my dvr

I defiantly have tumbled into Facebook .... that I truly enjoy lol .... I have just a vast amount of all kinds of pages I follow , I seldom get bored.

If you need something fun Check out Tucker Budzen on YouTube..he’s a golden retriever and him and his mom “ Linda “ make hilarious videos.

So far my husband had not had another episode of that strange pain, hopeful it stays that way.

Our nice albeit stormy rainy winter in middle TN has been pretty mild but the forecast looks to be changing soon, more rain this week but temps are headed down.

I know “my winter” is nothing like what many of you have and would think mine is even laughable but we seldom get snow, and single digits for more than a couple days, but it’s truly cold enough and it certainly keeps my pain dialed up.

A distant neighbor did tell us of “possible bad news” approximately 3 miles away property has had some logging done, but the owner may plan to put hen houses as they call them here in, there are many around us but certainly further away, I hate the thought but this is all farm land after all.

These hen houses can really smell bad especially in the summer, they hold hundreds and hundreds of hens at a time and it brings semi’s in routinely to pick them up.

If I start see the ground work being started it will certainly be a sad day. But I’d rather hen houses than a subdivision or condos.

I know it’s mid week but does anyone have some plans for the weekend yet ?

Thank you. I do have a light box. I am quite attached to mine. :-)

Thank you. You are such a sweetheart and I really appreciate you.

Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear about your sufferings. I have noticed that when I suffer very much, it's harder to find the right words. To avoid misunderstandings it can be wise to take time to think through what is the best way to express the topic one wants to speak about and after that play a role-play where one thinks of the surroundings one wants to say something in (imagination) and say it out loud before one meets this/these person(-s). But of course one has to listen to the response from the audience as well.

The general official treatment for SAD is Light-therapy and getting as much daylight as possible (and for many to take extra D-vitamins during the winter).

I am sorry if I have misunderstood anything, but I thought you were diagnosed with some sort of bipolar disorder. If so the medications that is for you is for bipolar disorder and not for unipolar depression. It can be dangerous to give people with bipolar disorder medication meant for those with unipolar disorder (it can make the bipolar worse, eventually give rise to mania/hypomania). The diagnose 'Atypical depression' is no more in the diagnosis manual (DSM-5), but it can be a part of a Depression diagnose and is then callded 'With atypical feaures'. (The old diagnose was from the time it was rare to see an "out of hospital patient". It meant that they could feel happy in some times of the day or some days (not always depressed during the whole day). Well most of us who are not deep, deep, deep down in depression have our happy moments if we have long-time depression).

If there is uncertainity about your diagnose, the best for you would probably be to ask for a clarification so that you understand why you have the diagnose you have.

The health care workers must be allowed to work in what is a professional accepted way for them when it comes to medications. Medications need to be tried out for some time before the professional can (by observation and listening to the patients experience with the medication for that treatment of time) before the same professional is able to tell on proffesional ground that this or that medication works or has to be changed. It is not their fault that it is so. They have to live with that system as well. There is no wonder-cure for the moment ... sorry to say, but so it is.

I am of the unipolar sort and use SSRI (for the none bipolars). The medication is not what helps my SAD because I am on them regularly all year around. It is the use of the light box and the use the hours in daylight + having a plan that is adjusted to me personally and therefore is easy to follow, that helps me.

Since you use Vraylar, you use a medication meant for some sort of bipolar disorder (from the easiest one to the hardest to live with). Such kind of medication usually takes some time before it kicks in. They are distributed in small dozes first and then in higher dozes

I suppose that your NP didn't deny the sufferings of your SAD, but wanted to give you the best opportunities to take care of your total Mental Health. If she weren't kind to you, that could only mean that she had a bad day, not that she had anything against you or that she didn't believe you!

It is always hard to have some sort of mental disorder. To experience SAD is terrible. This year it didn't feel it so hard as the years before for me. I think that is because I started to use the lamp early in the Autumn. After some days with bad and dark weather it bloomed again, but I try to fight it and the weather has changed to the better.

Whatever diagnose you have, Jennifer, please accept it. Life becomes more easy to cope with when one has said "Yes, I'm in it". Many people denies their diagnoses and become worse because they will not follow recommended treatment. I don't say that that goes for you! I'm only telling about it because it can happen to everyone ...

Do you meet regularly with a talking therapist?

If you have not become better before the next meeting with your NP and your NP still wants you to stay on the same medication, that may perhaps be the time for a second opinion with another skilled professional.

If you become worse, please contact your GP immediatly or call the crisis number.


Send my best wishes for you in the days and weeks to come!

Of course it doesn't surprise me. I'd write more, but I try not to talk politics here.

All Americans must vote. All! That would hopefully solve this problem.

I'm sore today... yesterday I had an appointment for my injection, so I lock all the doors, grab my purse, step outside, and shut the door behind me. I instantly realized I forgot my keys and was locked out of my house so I had to crawl in through an unlocked window to get the keys back! My leg has some pretty shades of blue and purple now
Mood wise I've been doing incredibly well the past few months.. I have a NP appt tomorrow and I'm going to ask her if I can just take the Ativan as needed instead of having it scheduled daily. I really don't need it every night but sometimes it would be helpful if I could take it during the day.
Warm hugs to all

Plans for the week-end...nothing special. BUT I'm taking your suggestion, Christina, and going to a coffeehouse to read and people watch. I'd love to see a movie, but I'm picky, so I don't think there's anything I want to see. I wish Joker was playing 'cause I'd like to see it again.

Discussion about light box...my pdoc is obsessed with me using the light box. Last month I was using it. It did help lift depression...for about 20 minutes. My concern, though, was that it irritated my eyes so much. I avoided looking right at it, but the light still bothered my eyes.

I've had a HUGE success (for me) this morning...every other month I have to take one of my cats into the vet to have her a-nal glands expressed. My worst, worst phobia and terror is the vet. I'm terrified of my cats being sick and dying. I've just been through it too many times. Plus, until I get SSDI I don't have money and that so frightens me. But the procedure today was just $20, so not outrageous & I can plan ahead.

Anyway, Sadie and I made it through the appointment with flying colors! God, what a relief.

Well for better or worse I'm buying a 2012 Ford Focus SE. It's a bit older than I wanted but in great shape, just one owner. Has all new transmission 6 month warranty on the car and a full year on the transmission. By buying this car I'll still have money in the bank! Called AARP and got a great quote so I already paid for the insurance and it starts tomorrow the day we pick it up. It kind of fell into our lap. The guy that has been fixing mum's car knew we were looking for a car when this one came to him. It's funny how small town it all is. His grandfather had a garage and my dad worked with him for the fun of it. This guy remembers my father. It's not red but it's a great running quiet car. Surprised me how quiet it was as I thought compact cars were noisy. Does have blue tooth. And that all important curse control. I'll have to dig my CDs out---- music!

@Nammu I'm happy for you and your new car!

Feeling kinda blue today. A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. I've started my new training which will last 7 weeks. It is a break from the anxiety inducing work I have to do, so I am grateful for that. A new position opened recently in the internal job postings, which believe it or not, I qualify for (The job will be available a week or so after I finish training). I went ahead and applied and updated my resume and wrote a cover letter explaining in part my situation (I have the requirements met, but technically I am kind of still a new hire) and of course selling myself shamelessly haha. I don't know if I'll get the job, but I would be so thrilled if it were to happen. My hopes are finding a job in my field though, so this is really contingency plan B. However, I'm wondering if I should really be doing this... at the risk of sounding pompous and conceited, I am well overqualified for the position that I only want as a plan B -- and I have a huge leg up based on my level of education and field of study. I could potentially take the position away from someone who truly wishes to stay with the company and move up and deservedly so. Now don't get me wrong -- this is a position I want, but I am afraid I'm really pushing someone out who deserves it more than I do. I just want to get out of the production floor and into my element. I may retract my application, I haven't been there very long and well, others deserve it more than me, enough said.

In the process of updating my resume and things I came across some old first year teaching and college work along with some photos of myself. I didn't recognize me anymore. That person doesn't exist anymore. The person who wrote those papers and lesson plans and assessments.... he is gone. I am so disappointed in myself. I worked very hard in college and my first few years of teaching. I had so much potential and now I am here. I've lost ambition and talent, to be sure -- but just overall demeanor. I don't even hold myself the same anymore. I know we all change over time but this is detrimental change and painful to look at where I am now and the lows I've hit along this path. I feel lost and sad. I just can't accept or believe this. I don't have the motivation or skill anymore to do what I used to. What was is now gone, and what is left going forward, pales in comparison.

I cried today. I just hate to look in the mirror and see who is there. Physically I am worse for wear and heavier too, mentally I am weak and frail and emotionally I'm an absolute mess. I know it's stupid to expect positive change without putting effort into doing it.. but I just don't see the point anymore, it's too far gone. I will never recover. Moments of hope flicker and disappear in terms of employment, happiness, relationships, family... but in the end I'm still where I am.

That's all I really got to say. Just to be clear I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. Please don't misconstrue my sentiments here -- it's sadness, remorse and self loathing, but I have no want to harm myself or anyone else.

Hey, all. I hope you're doing well.
I met with my T today. It was the first time since before Christmas. She told me that my experience Friday of waking up unable to breathe, talk, or move was not actually the first time that had happened to me. She could recall another treatment wherein I described such a situation.

Do you think both were a case of sleep paralysis?

Feeling crappy today. Not mood wise, just coming down with a cold. I’m drinking a ton of emergen-c though. I hope I’ll feel better tomorrow. I had to take off on Monday bc my son was sick (hence why I’m sick now) so I can’t take any more time off for awhile. This was supposed to be no call out January! Damn illness.

My student’s last day is tomorrow. He is being dropped from our school because of his behavior. I will be starting with one of the other students in the class on Friday. I’m a little sad because despite everything, I do like my student. But he needs a more structured environment. He is actually going to the first school I used to teach at, which is interesting. I told him it’s a good place. I hated it but I hated it more for the coworkers and less for the students.

I have a secret. I have not taken haldol in about three weeks. I first stopped because I kept forgetting to get it from the trunk of my car. But I noticed I felt no ill effects from stopping it so I haven’t taken it. The jaw twitches are gone and I have had no paranoia. So I’m going to stay off of it. It’s there if I need it. I haven’t told RS though. I need to. I always want to be completely honest with him.

It makes me want to stop all of my meds and see if I really need them anymore. But I don’t want to fall into that trap. I’m sure the reason I’ve been stable for so long is because I’m on the right medication. I just wish I didn’t have to take pills. Now I’m down to only two medications. So that’s not that bad.

I am so relieved. MA State Police issued an amber alert for an 11-year-old girl who was abducted by a white male in a blue Honda Civic, and I was afraid for her safety, but they just said she was found to be safe.

I hope it was a case where someone was confused and didn't realize the "abductor" was actually a friend or relative picking her up from school, but it's very possible the person was an abductor since apparently her family didn't recognize the car in the camera footage. Scary stuff.

Anyways, had a good day today. Got some work done, but not a whole lot. Wish I did more.

I have a busy day tomorrow and I'm noooooot looking forward to it. I will be on conference calls all day. Mood is alright, though.

Edit: apparently the girl was abducted and thrown in the car, but MA state police pulled the car over on the highway and freed her.

I can only speak to this most recent one and that seems to have something to do with the anaesthesia they were giving me for the ECT. I suspect I simply woke up before the muscle relaxant wore off; normally it's the other way round.

Congratulations !!!!! I am so happy you found something in great mechanical shape ! Enjoy enjoy enjoy

I love when Amber alerts work !! Such a blessing

Ah. That makes sense!

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

OUCH!

CONGRATS!

So, where we going first???

Good luck at the rheumatologist.....keeping fingers crossed. you have waited for so long!
bizi