What a therapist taught me, and other stuff...possible trigger warning

Hi everyone,
I've been reading with interest some recent posts in the check in thread here and I also posted briefly about my experience with more than one therapist. I knew little or nothing about therapy when I first consulted a therapist. (My first mistake )

I have not found a therapist who wanted to listen to me with respect and compassion and to help me to explore painful areas and to maybe heal. I feel that the therapist who hurt me the most was in fact using me for ''feed'' (I mentioned this in the check in thread and Wild Coyote kindly replied and agreed with me that it might be an idea for a thread). This therapist and I did work together quite well for quite a long time. Over time though his knee jerk reactions to me, cold and harsh words and sub optimal interpretations became more frequent. He also did some things which in my opinion were very unethical.

My parental units also did not treat me with respect and compassion

I am considering looking for another therapist (this would be therapist number 3 or 4).

I am not sure how to ensure that a therapist I consult is not another person who becomes judgmental and/or rejecting if they do not get the results they want, on their schedule, or just if they become irritated. I do not think I was an especially ''annoying'' client (whatever that is)… I am sure the therapist who hurt me has helped many people, however I was not one of them. He also said something very mean about an acquaintance of mine. I think that was unethical. (there are many more examples of less than optimal behaviour, words etc from him and another therapist I consulted) I don't think this would be helpful to anyone, particularly someone who already has trust issues, as I had (and still do)

I wonder if the painful and sub optimal experience I had with this therapist in particular has taught me something.... to show respect and compassion to others, whether or not I find them ''endearing'' … I was still a cub in some ways when I first saw this person. I am not at all sure that he was equipped to offer long term therapy with me, the fit between us was not good. I think I needed (and still need probably) someone more compassionate and nurturing, who also pushed me a bit. (but not pushed me ''out'' of the door with mean words... )

I have been wondering about ''internal family systems'' therapy. I have noticed a couple of posts about that recently, one in this part of the forum.

I wonder how much to tell a therapist if I consult yet another therapist. I think one of the things that went ''wrong'' in this therapy was that I was guarded with the therapist (having already been burnt by another professional ) but how not to be guarded with them having been hurt by them, and are my ''defences'' in fact ''too many defences'' as T2 suggested

Hugs and respect to all

Hi Fuzzy. I'm so sorry you have experienced such treatment from your therapist. I'm glad to read that you are looking at other possibilities. I know nothing about "internal family systems" therapy, but think it's great that you are doing research on various options. I hear you on the frustration of having tried numerous therapists. Did you like any of the others? If so, what about them did you like? What about the others didn't you like? Perhaps an analysis before a search could be helpful in finding a better match.

It took me a long time to find the right therapists. Oh my! Trial and error. But I did take some notes along the way. I also got some feedback from my psychiatrist about what to look for in a therapist, for me. Luckily, my psychiatrist of over 12 years was a good match, and he knows me well. I have even found that my therapeutic needs have changed a bit over the years. What was right for me 5 years ago, wouldn't be as much now.

I agree with BirdDancer. I'm sorry you haven't had any success in therapy, and I hope whoever you wind up with if you decide to go through with it is compassionate and caring.

Hello Fuzzy, Thank you for your post and for sharing an important (and painful) part of your history.

I've seen a couple of posts, too, about "internal family systems" therapy. That type of therapy is not one I am familiar with. I will be reading about it.

Have you seen this?
How to Choose a Therapist and Other Questions about Psychotherapy

Hi Fuzzy, Sorry to hear about your struggles with therapists.

For me, it has been trial and error with therapists. I had a couple that helped a lot and were kind and respectful, and I have had several that I am glad I stopped seeing them. Like you said, trusting someone like one has to do with a therapist to get help, and not get help or they become mean is painful. It can also be difficult of when it is time to end the therapist relationship because for me after several visits, it becomes a relationship and then how to gracefully exit without hurting the therapist's feelings can be an issue for me. But if they are mean, it is time for me to say goodbye.

Best wishes in your search for a good therapist for you!

I am so sorry about your terrible experiences. Therapy should be about trust and it should entail recovery and healing. If it doesn’t, it isn’t being done correctly and that is certainly not your fault! If you wish to pursue it again, I hope you are able to find someone more capable and helpful. I’ve only had one experience with internal family systems (IFS) but I can already see the benefit it, while very intense and deeply self seeking, will have.

Honestly I think printing off your post you made and taking it with you to meet with a new T would be the best thing for you.

You make very valid points about what went wrong with past Therapists and what you really are looking for and needing.

I often think when someone first meets a T they should be able to literally do a word vomit, just dump everything out of your head maybe it will take a few sessions and that’s fine. We all need validation that we are being heard.

When I first met my T of 9 years .. I was a train wreck... after he explained his boundaries he simple said ... Start where ever you want.... well I just started crying ...he handed me a box of Kleenex ... I honestly am not sure what I started with but it took me 3 sessions of crying and talking to get it out. He didn’t ask me questions, he would remark after I told him of a situation that I had a “right to be upset “or “that had to be painful”

He validated my pain each visit because he just listened to me.

I think maybe that is something that could help YOU it’s perfectly okay to ask a Therapist for what You need.

Once it’s all out you both can decide what to start working on together and yes as the trust builds you will be more willing to allow your T to nudge you or push you to challenge your own thoughts.

That is why I suggest you print this out and have who ever you see read it. There’s no reason to waste time seeing a T that can’t help you in the way you want to be helped.

Be proactive

Thanks everyone, you've all given me helpful things to think about

My anxiety is worse than my ''usual'' today, I'm not sure at what age this first originated Very young I suspect. (re another post re internal family systems)