[Fuzzybear]

I was wondering how you deal with the various ''helpful suggestions'' you get. People with little or no knowledge of bipolar or other MI tend to tell us how we ''should cope'' and this is coming from a place of ignorance. And yet, some of them act as if they are ''superior'' when they are really just clueless and do not think or speak with insight, in depth, outside the box, or even with compassion or respect in some cases...

A couple of us were thinking of this idea for a thread. Looking forward to hearing from people

(this is not about anyone on here, its people who are completely clueless and who make annoying simplistic ''helpful suggestions'' )

One is to ''just relax'' - with nothing else offered - for someone with severe anxiety

or to ''just cheer up, others have it worse'' - for someone with severe depression

or to ''just get on with it'' - for anyone having a hard time and needing to talk to someone

or ''just control yourself'' for someone experiencing mania

or ''we all get depressed'' ...

etc...

[Daonnachd]

I know that there are religious people here, so I want to preface this. I am a Christian who attends church weekly (when not sheltering in place) so please understand I'm not critical of religion or Christianity, in general. I'm only speaking of one person.

So, I was hospitalised and my in-laws came to visit. Almost right away my mother-in-law told me that I would be better and not in hospital if I prayed more and had more faith. She also referred to a game piece that I had painted up as an idol which allowed demonic influence into my mind. I was gobsmacked. (There is no emoticon suitable to what I felt at that time.)

Most of the bad advice I've gotten came from my first therapist, ironically.

When we were talking about getting diagnosed, she told me on more than one occasion to stop lying to my pdoc about my symptoms. lol! She said that the only way I'll "get better" is "by telling the truth."

I never lied about any of my symptoms to my pdoc. I said exactly what I was feeling. She just thought that I "don't look depressed" and that "you would know what depression was like if you ever had it before." Whatever.

Shortly after that, she purposely booked someone else in my appointment slot, because they "needed the appointment more." Whatever the heck that means. I think she was just angry that she felt I was lying. And of course, since she was in the process of leaving the practice in 5 months, she assigned me to a new therapist automatically without telling me. What a b****.

[Moose72]

Last year around this time, my case manager called and said she wanted to see me right away. As in, get in the car and be here within 15 minutes. I arrived and within a few minutes she exclaimed, "You're MANIC!" I was so taken aback that she would say something like that, in that TONE, that I just quipped, "No I'm not..." But I was secretly wondering to myself if I really was. Some time after that my pdoc called to "adjust" my meds. e.g. drug me into submission so I couldn't move! Another time someone told me if I'd stop talking about being bipolar that I wouldn't have the symptoms anymore! Or my mom loves to tell me things like, "just go to bed. You'll feel better in the morning"! This is probably why almost every single time I see pdoc she asks me how I'm doing right away I always just say, "Oh good". It takes a lot for me to actually say, "I think I'm manic"- if I'm that coherent to begin with.

And don't you just "love" it when any time you're feeling anything but calm and happy it's "did you take your meds today?"

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by spikes

And don't you just "love" it when any time you're feeling anything but calm and happy it's "did you take your meds today?"

Too true! Or "Maybe you should call somebody." Or "Have you talked with/seen your psychiatrist lately?"

one of the first things I ever got told when I said to someone I had BP was, so.. you're controled by satan?. he tells you what to do?

sheesh!

sadly I think 1 thing my parents said, because of your MI issues you'll never amount to anything, is actually true

I'm nothing. you see all these people around you living their lives and working, I'm just sat here on a forum wondering what the point is

[~Christina]

" You need to pray harder "

[fern46]

The most unhelpful thing someone said to me was that 'you have bipolar disorder. It is a disease you will have for life. It isn't your fault, and you will relapse. You'll be fine if you accept this and take meds and learn coping skills'

All of that was true to an extent, but it was very limiting advice. It limited my hope. It limited my vision for my future. It limited my understanding of what happened to me. It placed me within a system that over time exposed itself to me as one of the most broken systems I've ever encountered. That's saying a lot since my expertise lies in my ability to assess and design systems. I've seen dysfunction on all levels, but psychiatry and therapy have really proven to be a challenge beyond what I could have anticipated. Luckily, I love a good challenge and almost all broken systems carry elements of excellence within them. It took a while to separate the trash from the treasures and it is an ongoing process.

When I offer someone my thoughts on a problem, I like to follow with suggesstions for improvement. I don't like to leave things by simply offering a negative review. I am a part of this system now. I hold hope it can one day be restructured to work better for all of us. Patients and providers.

It would have been infinitely more helpful to hear from a pdoc 'Your brain and your body are perhaps predisposed to react to certain stimulus more strongly than other people. It is possible that aspect is genetic. The truth is that is just a theory, we don't really know. Your symptoms are similar to bipolar disorder, but that diagnosis is also a guess and the symptoms occur along a spectrum and can shift over time. Do not become too tied to the label, but I encourage you to understand why we placed you in this category at this time. You may cycle through again. Most patients with this condition do, but we cannot be sure because everyone is unique. You're in a position where meds might be helpful and they are recommended. They do not always work and we are guessing based on experience with others at what will work best. The meds have truly awful side effects, but in your case they are necessary to level you out and the good outweighs the bad. We will use the lightest amount possible to treat you and encourage you to address the other factors that contribute to mental illness so that maybe one day we can revisit the need for meds. You may continue to need them, but the goal should be to lean on them to control as little as possible as we know they cause other health conditions that affect your quality of life. Please let that knowledge serve as motivation to address the other areas of your health in therapy or other complimentary practices.'

I wish someone on the therapy side of things had said 'You have suffered a traumatic event during your episode. Our first strategy is to help you cope with that and reintegrate you into your life. I need to teach you how these types of conditions work and how they manifest. This can be a long process. We also need to help you adjust to life on meds. That can be difficult as well. Coping skills are helpful tools that you can use to help throttle the pain of your experience at any time if the pain becomes too much. However, it is important that you face what happened and process it or it will continue to come up over and over for you. This can lead to trigger future episodes. Also, your episode occured in part because you are perhaps spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically imbalanced. Typically, traumatic events contribute to these imbalances. We need to assess your history, your behaviors, your triggers and patterns in all aspects to find the various contributing factors. Once we know your history, we can write a new story together and develop strategies to create it. This can be a long process because we need to educate each other. I need to learn about you and I need to teach you how your brain and heart process experience so you can understand why and how things went so sideways. We will go at a pace you are comfortable with. It can bring up a lot of repressed fear, anger, and other emotions you might not want to experience. Coping skills are there for you when you need them, but eventually I need you to accept that the way out is through. There are lots of therapy options and I may not always be the best fit for you. I will suggest other types of therapy if your requirements lie outside my expertise. I cannot promise any of this work will be curative. You may need meds forever. You may cycle through other episodes. However, the more work you do to process and balance, the better equipped you will be to see future episodes coming and deal with them more easily than last time. I'm here to supoort you through that journey. Let's begin.'

This is what I wish someone had said to me. This is only the truth of my story. It is the experience I have been able to create in partnership with my providers after researching and discussing with them what I perceive to be fallacies in the system. It took me a while to move past that first round of unhelpful advice, but it feels good on the other side of it. I would encourage any newly diagnosed friend to find their own truth and blaze their own path.

take your meds and get over it.

I hate that one

The famous "calm down"
I don't think there has ever been an instance in history where someone has calmed down after being told to calm down.