I wish

I wish there was a quick fix. Everything with med changes takes so long to see if there will be any relief. Yeah the hospital is quicker but that still takes at least 2 weeks. It is so frustrating. I wish I could be put in a medically induced coma and just wake up better.

Sorry to hear that, Crook. I know how frustrating it can be when you have to wait for something to kick in. I've been in that situation myself and I know how horrible it is. I'm sorry you have to go though this.

Do you have any coping mechanisms you can use? What have you tried so far? Maybe we can come up with some new ideas to help.

I try distraction and fidget with things. I wish I wasn’t looking for a new T right now. I wonder if my old one will let me stay. She is probably excited to be getting rid of me. I am too much for her to handle.

Why don't you ask the old one if you can stay with her? In my experience, if a therapist (or pdoc, etc) thinks you need someone else, they flat out tell you. I've had that happen a few times and I was thankful for them to say that so I could find someone new and not waste my time and money with someone who simply can't help. You could even ask her if she thinks you're "too much" for her, or if that thought is just an irrational belief you hold right now.

One thing that helps me is journaling. Helps me when I'm depressed (even if I just write a few words) and if I'm manic (even if I can't understand it). I have to do it every day on a schedule for it to help though. Maybe it'll help you?
A few other things that help me is listening to music--neutral or positive stuff. I learned listening to Ooh Child by the Five Stairsteps is much better for my mental health than listening to Nutshell by Alice in Chains on repeat, even if the latter seems more attractive at the moment. I've been doing yoga lately too, but any kind of physical activity (especially going for walks/runs) will do. Also, keep reminding yourself that this won't last forever; you WILL get through this eventually and feel better.

I can list a few more things if you want, but those are the things that really help me.

Yes, I agree with spikes. If a therapist or pdoc thinks they cannot help you or that you're "too much to handle," they will say it. Sometimes they'll say it on their own, or sometimes you'll have to ask.

If they genuinely wanted to get rid of you, they would do what my first therapist did: call me a liar and a manipulator for telling my pdoc that I was depressed ("you're not depressed. You've never experienced it before, so how would you know? You need to tell people the truth!"), and she then after she got sick of my "lies," she deleted my appt and gave it to someone else, then put a request for me to be internally transferred to someone else, all without telling me. (I'm actually going to report her later this week to my current therapist.)

Most therapists are not the slimy vindictive type though. Such therapists are a rare breed of filth. But even though she was a POS towards me, she at least did transfer me to someone else rather than cut me off entirely from the practice (maybe because she didn't want to get caught?). So, I think that even if it got to the point where your therapist was legitimately "disgusted" with you, she would at least transfer you to someone else in the same office (if you do go to a practice w/ multiple therapists) or tell you that they can't work with you anymore. They'd get in big trouble if they didn't do one of those two things.

Since you are in the USA I think it is unlikely that they would cut you off, with no support, as they routinely do here.

And they get away with it.

They do not get into difficulties

My therapist owns the practice so I don’t think she would transfer me to someone else. She did give me two referrals though. She also said she couldn’t work with me anymore if the suicidal thoughts got pervasive again. So I am not sure how honest I can be with her anymore.

I kind of journal when I email my T. I have written on my phone before. I guess if I write in a physical book I am afraid someone will read it. I do listen to music sometimes positive songs sometimes not so much. I know I am my own worst enemy. I am interviewing two Ts this week and hen seeing my current T again. She did say she wanted me to see someone a few times before I decided and before she cancels my appointment. So I know she cares but it is just hard to believe it sometimes. She thinks finding a trauma T is a step in the right direction for me. We have been together almost 6 years I think she is just running out of ideas and doesn’t want to just do supportive therapy. I think it bores her.