[pianopenguin]

Hi,

This is my first post. I actually joined because I was hoping to find some support. I've been having a hard time recently.

I think I'm having a manic episode. I'm definitely hypomanic. I'm a graduate student, and I have been compulsively contacting my advisors. They both have a background in psychology (although not clinical psychology), know that I have bipolar disorder, and are very understanding and supportive. I am lucky. However, it is unprofessional for me to contact them so often and probably super annoying. Also, I keep saying really weird things. I will email them and say that I'm worried that I'm a ghost, and then an hour later I will email them and say that I realized I'm actually not a ghost. My brain is so confused right now. It makes me want to scream.

I think one reason I'm doing it is because I don't have enough support — hence why I'm here. Also, grad school matters a lot to me, and I'm afraid my illness is going to keep me from being able to succeed. So I often reach out to them for reassurance that they are not going to kick me out of my program. Of course, that just makes me look even more unstable. I don't feel like I have control over it, though. Like I said, it's a compulsion.

I'm so embarrassed about my over contacting. I don't know what to do. I sent them an email not that long ago about how I'm afraid I'm a ghost and will disappear. Now I realize that doesn't make sense, but I don't want to contact them yet again. I have no idea what to do. It's embarrassing even to admit it here.

Anyway, thank you for reading all of that. I would appreciate any advice or encouragement...

[CANDC]

Hi pianopenguin. I replied to your other post

Since you are reaching out to people with psychological professionals at your school, maybe establishing a relationship with a professional not related to your school might give you the support you need without the risk of adversely affecting your schooling.

Online support groups can be a big help. Here is one site Online Support Groups - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Another option is for you to reply to this post and or PM me with the thoughts you are having. I have been dealing with my friend's bipolar incidents of every type. I am not a professional but a peer supporter. I am online almost every day so if you want to pm me here about your thoughts, I am fine to hear you and respond compassionately. If that will be a help to you, then feel free to send me a personal message by clicking on my member name out to the left.
@CANDC

[CANDC]

Hi pianopenguin. I replied to your other post

Since you are reaching out to people with psychological professionals at your school, maybe establishing a relationship with a professional not related to your school might give you the support you need without the risk of adversely affecting your schooling.

Online support groups can be a big help. Here is one site Online Support Groups - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Another option is to reply to this post and or to PM me with the thoughts you are having. I have been dealing with my friend's bipolar incidents of every type. I am not a professional but a peer supporter. I am online almost every day so if you want to pm me here about your thoughts, I am fine to hear you and respond compassionately. If that will be a help to you, then feel free to send me a personal message by clicking on my member name out to the left.
@CANDC

[Travelinglady]

Dear one, are you seeing a therapist? That might help, too.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc and the bipolar forum
You can post more here too, a lot of us have big ears

[Moose72]

I have a email/pen pal. I send him a lot of emails because I think of things I want to say and sometimes I say things I wish I hadnt and then I send another email appologizing and it just keeps going on like that . He has never gotten upset with me or said we couldnt be friends any more. Im sure your professors understand and dont mind you emailing them. I agree that if you don't have a therapist maybe you should see about getting one. Or, contact your psychiatrist/nurse practitioner about this. Maybe your meds need adjusted.

[*Beth*]

I'm also thinking meds. Where are you with regard to them?

[pianopenguin]

I tried to reply earlier, but I don't think that it worked.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. It really has made me feel a little better.

I see a psychiatric nurse practitioner for medication management. We recently added Abilify and Seroquel because I was having hallucinations. It's hard to get the dosage right. I also take Lamictal, Xanax XR, and Vyvanse.

I have a therapist, but lately I've been dreading our sessions. I want to quit therapy, but I don't know how to tell her. I used to really enjoy talking to her. I'm not sure what changed. At some point I stopped feeling like I could be honest with her.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time now pianopenguin. I don't have anything specific to say, just want to welcome you to PC!

Welcome, pianopenguin! It sounds like you are still experiencing a mood episode, my suggestion is to call your NP and let her know that your current medications are not doing enough. She needs to know about this over contacting tendency and about your odd statements (i.e. ghost). It's possible that something in your mix needs adjusting.

I assume you have ADHD in addition to bipolar disorder? I ask since you take a stimulant. I found Lamictal and Abilify activating for me, in the past, even though they are moodstabilizer and antipsychotic, respectively.

[*Beth*]

Getting the correct dosage is almost always frustrating. Since you're experiencing an episode, though, it seems like a call to your NP would be a good idea.

[pianopenguin]

Thanks again for all of the support. I am feeling a little better this morning.

I think I will contact the NP later today. The Seroquel was making me so sleepy during the day, so she said that we could reduce it and add Abilify. I can't tell that the Abilify does anything, though.

I do have comorbid ADD, which is why I take Vyvanse. Sometimes I worry that the Vyvanse is bad for my mood, though. On their website, it warns that people with bipolar or schizophrenia should be careful about taking it. I'm not sure how I could work without the Vyvanse, though, since I am taking Seroquel and Xanax, which are both so downing.

I am currently taking 5 prescription meds for bipolar. I recently switched to the NP from a psychiatrist that I didn't like, and the NP increased my medications from 3 to 5. Looking at people's signatures on the site, it seems like a lot of people take several medications. I was worried that I'm taking too many, but maybe it's not that unusual?

*For background, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder repeatedly for about 10 years before I finally believed it. I've been taking Lamictal for 4 years now, which has been lifechanging. I've tried various other medications since then, but Lamictal is the only one that has stayed constant.

I am a huge fan of my Seroquel XR, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't take time for me to get past excessive sedation. I was not working during that adjustment. I do feel for people who are working or studying during medication adjustments. Maybe your NP can do something with your Seroquel. Perhaps adjusting how much is taken when might help. Is it still making you too sleepy during the day? I guess I'm a little confused since your thread seems to describe you being in a manic state with manic symptoms.

I have heard of some people having sedation from Abilify, but I had the opposite. We are all different. It is a real experiment for doctors/NPs knowing what to tweak and how much.

Five psych medications is a lot, but as you noted, pretty common. I guess my only suggestion would be to avoid, if possible, having more and more added on top of the rest. I once took up to 7 psych medications at a time. Even 8, if you counted when I took a prn Ativan. That was too much for me. It got to the point where it was hard to know which medications added value and which did more harm than good, not just for mood, but side effects. At my current 4 psych medications, I know exactly what each does for me, and which side effects I can attribute to which.

[pianopenguin]

Right now I'm having manic symptoms, but when I'm not manic, the Seroquel makes me so sleepy during the day. I never thought about Seroquel XR. Maybe I will talk to the NP about that. I would really like to get off the Xanax. If I'm not taking Xanax, then I may be able to handle the Seroquel better.

[Artistic1]

Hi pianoPenguin ,

Here to support you just know that we care

[*Beth*]

Seroquel is not a good med for me, nor is Abilify (Abilify was too activating). But, as we all know, everyone reacts differently to meds.

I'm sorry to hear about your therapist. Do you know what went wrong?

Welcome to the forums, pianopenguin!

Good stuff from everyone. Only a couple other things come to mind atm. One is journaling. I've written notebooks-worth of stuff just to get it out of my brain. It helps at least some.

The other thing you can do, if you do want to write to your advisors, is to write, but not put their name in the "to" field (makes it easier not to accidently send) and write all you like, but then don't send. Read it at a later point (a day later, at least) to see if you still feel the need to send it. It can save some "oh, I wish I hadn't sent that" situations.

And by all means, feel free to write here. It's a nice bunch, and we're all in this together.

[Fuzzybear]

As others have said, people are nice here, and we are all in this together.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m wondering how things are going now?

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by pianopenguin

Right now I'm having manic symptoms, but when I'm not manic, the Seroquel makes me so sleepy during the day. I never thought about Seroquel XR. Maybe I will talk to the NP about that. I would really like to get off the Xanax. If I'm not taking Xanax, then I may be able to handle the Seroquel better.

Not sure when you take this med. Friend took it at night and they slept well but not too sleepy in daytime.