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#28
May 18, 2020, 08:20 PM
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Tomorrow I'm seeing my therapist in her office...masks and across the room distancing.
I'm fine with pdoc by telemedicine. I'm not "getting it" for therapy, though. I'll feel things out tomorrow, but if she's still insisting on video sessions I'm leaning towards telling her I need to stop therapy...or maybe just check in a couple of times/month. I don't know exactly what it is, but I can't stop feeling creeped out by video sessions with my therapist. Some of it is self-consciousness. Some of it is because it feels like blurry boundaries. A lot of it is that talking to a computer screen seems nutty to me. Would I be able to get used to it? I dunno...maybe I'm just too old for it.I mean, the first time I sat down at a computer I was in my mid-30's. It's not like I was raised with technology like younger people were/are. The video therapy seems ingenuine to me, like play-acting. Ugh. Sorry...I'm rambling. Trying to figure out...well, I'll see how it all goes tomorrow.
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Last edited by *Beth*; May 18, 2020 at 11:04 PM. |
 Anonymous46341, Rick7892, Wild Coyote
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 Wild Coyote
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#29
May 18, 2020, 10:32 PM
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Quote:
 For me, talking to my therapist into a telephone is nutty because I just hear a voice coming out of a box. It was kinda OK for a couple of times, but I was becoming increasingly disconnected to point I wondered about continuing. I am a visual person, and I saw no person when I looked at a box that was talking and when my eyes drifted onto seeing other stuff, my mental connection with the telephone call and my therapist drifted. Video conferencing is not talking to a blank computer screen. It is talking to the live image of my therapist on my computer screen, who is looking back at me. I see her reaction (or not) plus hear her response at the same time. I see her, she is real, and we are looking at each other. My eyes don't drift all over the place like in a phone call. For me, I would prefer video conferencing where neither my therapist nor I wear a mask to an in-person visit where we both wear masks. With masks neither of us can see facial expressions and seems more sterile. And being distant from each other in a room doesn't help. Beth, how about giving a video meeting with your therapist one try before making a decision to quit therapy or reduce visits? The first visit may be awkward, but it isn't a job interview or a test!
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A virtual  to all in a time of physical social distancing!Trying to practice coping tools to live in my own skin more gently, peacefully, & comfortably One Day a Time (sometimes one breath at a time)
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| Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#30
May 18, 2020, 11:19 PM
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#31
May 18, 2020, 11:25 PM
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I thoroughly enjoy meeting on televideo. Sure, I prefer to meet in person and without masks. However, it's not an option just yet. Like Rick, I definitely prefer to meet by video over meeting in person with masks on. Just my two cents.
I like Rick's invite for you to try televideo just once before giving up on it?  Looking forward to learning just how things go for you! 
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May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths. 
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| *Beth*
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| *Beth*
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#32
May 18, 2020, 11:29 PM
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Thanks, WC! One things for sure...the session tomorrow will sure be an adventure. I kind of feel like a pioneer, charting new territory
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| Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#33
May 18, 2020, 11:44 PM
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In a video call with your therapist, you might be able to see the frog in the background. If not, you could ask your therapist to put it in view. I think she would be happy to do so. Best wishes for your visit tomorrow!
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A virtual to all in a time of physical social distancing!Trying to practice coping tools to live in my own skin more gently, peacefully, & comfortably One Day a Time (sometimes one breath at a time)
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| Wild Coyote
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| *Beth*, Wild Coyote
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#34
May 19, 2020, 03:37 AM
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Frog = good idea
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| Rick7892, Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#35
May 19, 2020, 06:34 AM
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Hey BethRaggs,
That Rick guy is such a nice guy! It's fun to have him around! 
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May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths.
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| *Beth*, Rick7892
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| *Beth*, Rick7892
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#36
May 19, 2020, 10:22 AM
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He sure is!
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| Rick7892
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| Rick7892
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#37
May 19, 2020, 06:32 PM
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So I had the masked/distanced appointment with my therapist. It was good to be in the clinic. It was good to say hi to the receptionists I've known for several years and used to seeing at least 3 times/week, but haven't seen at all for 10 weeks. Everything was stringent; temperature taken, questions asked/answered, several stops at hand sanitizer stations. All of that was okay with me.
I felt comfortable and so safe to be in my therapist's office. And sad. It was really sad, and pretty miserable. That said, we needed to meet in person. The entire structure of my therapy needs to be reformatted. The mask wearing wasn't terrible; mostly, I felt sleepy after a while, which I believe was from not getting quite enough oxygen. Sitting across the room from each other seemed kind of silly to me. The coach I sit on is a good 5 feet from her usual chair. She's extremely cautious because she has immune system issues. I certainly understand her concern/fear. At the same time it seems that if someone can't wholly do her job, maybe it's time to retire. It's like...if I have a job in which I have to lift heavy items and I hurt my back and can no longer lift the stuff, I would need to go out on disability. Anyway. I spoke openly with her. I voiced my concerns about teletherapy. I made it clear that not having in-person appointments simply cannot allow the depth of therapy that is necessary to really "do the work." She agreed. She told me there are still so many areas (trauma) that I need to work with, but that she's not comfortable with doing trauma work by video. And I completely agree with that. I mean, this is my mind, this is my life. We discussed it all. We talked about how we're pioneers (ALL of us alive at this time are!). She said that the format of all psychotherapy will change in major ways, at least for the foreseeable future, and maybe permanently. We discussed a plan for the time being. She said that she believes having a supportive connection is better than no connection. I suppose I agree, but barely. We discussed the importance of being upfront on video (for example, if there's noise or disruption say so, rather than straining to make it all "perfect"). I had been seeing my therapist twice a week, which was going so well. Then I was talking with her on the phone twice per week, which was absurd. When I left her office today I made appointments for once/week, with the idea that I'll see how teletherapy goes (thanks Rick and WC). I left the clinic feeling sad and angry. And confused. I felt mildly suicidal. I mean, in the sense that I am sooo tired of being in pain. I'm so tired of...all of this. Saying good-bye to everyone as I left the clinic was miserable. I wanted to cry, but what's the point? Crying won't change anything. It would have just gotten my mask snotty and wet. That's where it's at. I have the first telemedicine appointment with my pdoc on Friday. I expect that will go okay. I don't even know when my next appt. with my therapist is. I just don't feel like looking at the appointment sheet. 
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| Rick7892
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#38
May 20, 2020, 01:46 AM
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Now the demons have returned, telling me I should have listened to them, that they knew this therapy would be no good. My mother is telling me that seeing that woman was wrong, just a way to hurt my mother. Now I realize that the man who stands and stares is just the leader of the demons. The demons, it turns out, were correct and I should have listened. Everything has been blown apart.
I feel ashamed, but I think I'll call my pdoc tomorrow and, if she's in, tell her I need help. I would like to email my therapist and tell her I hate her, that if she won't see clients in person she should just retire. She has sooo lied to me, telling me she'd hold hope for me and crap like that. I'm hurt and so angry.
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#39
May 20, 2020, 01:05 PM
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Bethrags, do you mean demons in a metaphorical sense, or are you hearing from actual demons? It sounds tough either way, and reaching out to your psychiatrist is probably a good idea. Do you think it might be useful to discuss with your therapist how you are feeling and they could help you figure it out? I think the issue I mentioned with my therapist has stirred up some emotions in me and I am trying to figure out what exactly I am feeling and if I want to talk it over with my therapist. Sending lots of compassion. It's such a tough time right now to deal with mental health and therapy.
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| *Beth*
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| *Beth*
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#40
May 20, 2020, 01:41 PM
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Thank you very much for your reply, fleurs
The demons are evil... entities? Or these kind of beings who talk to me in my mind. I can "see" them in the sense that I know what they look like, and they're really creepy looking. My mom...she was always very threatened any time she thought I was talking about her to, say, a therapist. At the beginning of therapy I struggled hard with my mom warning me not to talk to "that lady." My T and I worked a lot on it (she called it trauma therapy). It took about a year of work before the demons and the "mom" voice stopped tormenting me. Then last night it all returned. How can I deny that they were correct? They warned me and instead of listening to them, I listened to my therapist who, it turns out, betrayed me to quite an extent. I feel like a fool, they are mocking me. They were just waiting to return. I recognize that maybe a medication adjustment might calm my mind. So I called my pdoc's office this morning, but then I lost my courage and made up some excuse for calling. I have to set up the webcam before I talk to her again, that's what she said last week. Right now I'm going to call the clinic's IT department and see if they can help me set this thing up before my whole self comes unraveled.
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#41
May 20, 2020, 01:57 PM
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I am sorry Bethrags, that sounds hard to be dealing with those voices. It sounds like your therapist helped you before, so maybe they could again? I think therapists, being humans, are sometimes imperfect. I know my therapist has unintentionally hurt my feelings before. Are you feeling betrayed about not having the appointments in person?
I hope IT is able to help you and that you have a successful session. |
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#42
May 20, 2020, 02:50 PM
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Thank you, fleurs. Yes, my therapist helped me. But now she is afraid of the virus, which I understand. But we have to do the video thing. I just hooked that up (which was easy), but I hate it. Everybody looks creepy on the screen. I feel really self-conscious. Anyway, I appreciate your support
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#43
May 20, 2020, 02:57 PM
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| *Beth*
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| *Beth*
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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