[BlueSkyGirl]

Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’ve been living with bipolar for almost 20 years and I’ve been treated and stable for around 15 years. I have a great husband and two small kids. I’ve been working in my career (education field) for around 10 years. Life was becoming more enriched as years went on, however, I felt myself growing further apart from my husband over their years due to a conflict of interest. He also had been lying about drugs, unbeknownst to me. We are both two upper class hard working citizens and I just didn’t think he’d lie to me like he did. He had a lot of anger issues, the drugs (marijuana and nicotine) making it harder for him to cope and more extreme outbursts. Eventually, last summer I wanted to end the marriage. Since then he completely changed his ways. He’s been honest and working on himself like he’s never done before. Still, I felt distant and focused on my own career as a teacher and my upcoming internship in becoming a principal.

During around November I broke my foot and was out of work on medical leave for over a month. Things started to go downhill for me then. When I was about to return to work, I found that my assignment was changed and I was no longer teaching the students whom I’ve had and committed to earlier in the year. I got depressed and was feeling quite stressed and down. My entire team at work was changed, and I felt my life was taken away from me. Yet I tried to stay positive and keep on keepin on.

A coworker friend reached out to me and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink or two. I welcomed it and we went out to catch up. We maybe had one too many drinks and he reached over and touched my arm and told me he liked me. I felt he crossed a boundary so later that week I texted him to gently remind him that he needs to stay in his lane and not cross boundaries. He wanted to know if I’d feel different if I wasn’t married. I lied and said yes not to hurt his feelings. He came to visit me in my classroom a week or two later with a gift and suggested we go out on a date. I thought he was crazy and told me husband.

He asked if I wanted to get a drink again a couple weeks later. This is me playing with fire but also feeling confident in my integrity and commitment to my husband. I also like to drink and I’m looking for a fun time. And this guy was my friend, after all, whom I’ve always had a strong connection with. And my husband works long hours and it was a nice break to get a quick drink before going home and resuming the demanding work of making dinner and putting the kids to bed.

We met a few times after that, and I don’t know how it happened but one of the times we ended up in his car talking and listening to music after one of our drinks. That’s when it started. He tried to kiss me and I pulled away and said no. He was so hurt and it crushed me. So I climbed on top of him and let it happen. We just kissed for the record, but it was intense.

Well we started texting every day, trying to see each other one or two times a week. We tried to break up a few times, realizing it was wrong but always ending back together. After a month of this, I told him I loved him and he returned the words. Suddenly we wanted to see each other every day. We couldn’t go very long without seeing each other and I’d text him good morning when I woke up and goodnight before bed. Our spouses didn’t suspect anything. We met up in our cars and hung out for a couple hours here and there when we could. We were infatuated and started discussing maybe being together.

I had to really question if this is what I truly wanted. I talked to my therapist in great detail and she is not fond of my current husband’s behaviors. I finally felt connected to someone and I loved someone more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I took the Meyer Briggs personality test (I’m INFJ) and I google who I was most compatible with, and it was my affair partner. I also google which personality I least got along with, and it was my husband. Still, I had a family. Yet I wasn’t doing well with my current husband. I’m somewhat of a faithful person, ok I’m a very faithful person, and I was afraid of eternal damnation and that I was truly heading down the wrong path. Although my therapist encouraged me that it’s better to amicably separate from an unhealthy relationship and show my children what a healthy relationship does in fact look like with someone else. This is not to say with my affair partner per say, but just in general. Anyway, after becoming obsessed with Near death experiences and reading the Bible I decided I needed to at the very least end my affair and tell my husband what happened. Also it is fair to say that all we ever did was kiss. I did not want to go further than that, ironically trying to uphold some sense of self worth, although it was very very hard to do that. We were always all over each other and so emotionally connected. This went on for 3 months.

So I broke it off a couple weeks ago and told my husband. I didn’t give many details at all, but I did say enough. That we kissed and saw each other a few times a week. He wanted to know how many times we kissed and I said every time I saw him... He was crushed. That night was one of the worst nights in my life. I was devastated too and felt like I failed our marriage.

Since than my husband is coming to terms with it and is grateful I told him. He doesn’t know this guy but he wants to threaten to tell his wife should he ever contact me again. My husband and I are working on our relationship. We are both trying harder than ever. In a way it’s been somewhat of a blessing. I finally feel like my husband sees me and values me more than he has.

This was two weeks ago. All I can think about is the other guy. I think about him constantly all day every day. I yearn for him and it’s quite physical. I miss us and the way I felt and the connection we had. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone. Truly loved him and his soul unconditionally. He was my baby. I miss him so incredibly much.

I’ve been stable having BP1 but between this and corona stay at home order, I’m going stir crazy. A side of me wants to separate from my husband, it seems I’ll never have the connection I want with him even though we are desperately trying. And my thoughts are so consumed. My husband works 60+ hours a week and is never around. I feel broken, I feel like a failure, I feel lost and confused.

My therapist says I’m trying to do what is ‘right’ but my feelings are not aligned with my logic. I need support more than ever. I feel like a monster. I don’t want to stay in the dark.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyGirl

I finally felt connected to someone and I loved someone more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I took the Meyer Briggs personality test (I’m INFJ) and I google who I was most compatible with, and it was my affair partner. I also google which personality I least got along with, and it was my husband.

Everything else aside please do not use unproven methods to justify or "prove" why you belong with certain people. It has been proven over and over how unreliable the MB test is and the origins of the test are not often understood. And do not use google to look up stuff and apply it to your current situation. Its Google after all. If I want to find a peer reviewed article about something, google is my go-to. If I want to find out how to relate to people or diagnose their personalities to find out if I am compatible I use self reflection.

So I broke it off a couple weeks ago and told my husband. I didn’t give many details at all, but I did say enough. That we kissed and saw each other a few times a week. He wanted to know how many times we kissed and I said every time I saw him.

If you broke it off a couple of weeks ago does that mean you were seeing him during the covid pandemic and against stay at home disorders? Covid began to take off in march and by the end of march most people were in some sort of stay at home situation. This means if you were meeting him you were exposing your self over and over again to covid and then bringing in home to your husband and children. So was your coworker. I am not trying to moralize anything but I take exposure to covid seriously and have a hard time not getting my panties in a bunch when I hear of people doing whatever they want. Its just not fair or safe.

Since than my husband is coming to terms with it and is grateful I told him. He doesn’t know this guy but he wants to threaten to tell his wife should he ever contact me again.

I totally get this. Why should he be the only one hurt? (from his perspective)

I loved him more than I ever loved anyone. Truly loved him and his soul unconditionally. He was my baby. I miss him so incredibly much.

You say this all started in Nov? so in essence this relationship has only been a few months and you love him more than anyone? I seriously question that.
You cant justify your infidelity by explaining what it is your husband doesnt do or make excuses about why its ok for you to see another man. If you do not like that way things are with your husband you need to end it with him before getting into a infatuated relationship with anyone. Its the right thing to do.
I want to be clear that I do not think you are a monster or terrible person. I am not judging you. People have affairs all the time for many reasons but the bottom line is its not the right thing to do and if your husband was doing what you do you would be devastated.

[divine1966]

Work affairs are dangerous. It could cost you your job. And you are teachers in the same building, just wait when students find out. Ouch. Not worth it. And if his wife finds out she might come after you, you’ve no idea what kind of person she is.

I’d not base my personal life decisions on what I find on google. “If it’s on the internet it must be true”. Nah

I’d also watch amount of alcohol, most of your affair events happened after you were drinking and if you are on meds it’s possibly mixing with it clouding your judgement. It sounds that you are experiencing infatuation. I’d speak to your doctor about danger of mixing alcohol with meds and speak to your therapist about all of this

Oh I really doubt you love this guy you drink and kiss in a car more than anyone. It’s unconditional? Nah, It doesn’t work this way .

I hope you continue working with therapist/doctor and maybe see couples therapist with your husband if you want to save your marriage. Or if you want to end it. Both are ok options. Affairs don’t end well

[bpforever1]

Something must be bothering you for you to post here about your affair. I would find out the source of your angst. Is it really your affair or just some underlying issue that is really bothering you? I feel that if your conscience is bothering you about having an affair, then may be it is time to step back and realize you are hurting a lot of people, including yourself. I understand you are not happy with your husband now but what made you marry him then? You must have thought he was the one for you before. I would think about this seriously before you ditch him. Your longing for this other man is mostly physical and the attraction to the unattainable forbidden fruit. I see how your illness can be playing a role in all of this- the impulsivity, the lack of moral judgment, etc. Please talk to your therapist or find one to sort out your situation. I find your post difficult to read but can relate because I am also ill with a similar disorder. Please don't throw away your husband for a sordid affair that only gratified your impulses and may be your hypersexual appetite. I feel you are wasting your energy and time with this other man. Your affair sounds rather impulsive and feeding a desire for the illicit. Please remember that you should not put yourself in such a situation again where a man can take advantage of you. I've been there too and know I allowed some men to take advantage of me and realized this later. This is due to my poor judgment also like yours. I would work things out with your husband and hope that he forgives you if he finds out. If I were you, I would be grateful for your situation- good career, marriage, etc, and work on controlling your impulses and desires by talking to your therapist about these issues and trying to solve them with positive solutions and behavior. Best wishes!

I wasn't sure what to contribute at first, but after bpforever1 mentioned perhaps consulting with an another therapist, that was what I decided to second. Your current therapist seems to have a strong opinion in one direction. Not that she isn't necessarily right, but I still think another perspective could be good. If you really like your current therapist, you could ask her if she reminds you temporarily seeking another perspective. Just a thought.

Anyway, it sounds to me that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about this. To my perspective, you showed great restraint. However, if you eventually conclude that your marriage is no longer beneficial, I would suggest a trial separation for that reason first. Not primarily for the sake of further pursuing the affair.

I wonder if your affair has been a result of hypomania or not. It is hard to have insight into that, sometimes.

[downandlonely]

I'm not sure how you could be in love with someone you meet illicitly in a car for a few hours. You haven't spent extensive time with him or lived with him the way you do with your husband. You've never had to go through hard times or fight with him. So it feels great, but it is more likely infatuation than love.

[BlueSkyGirl]

Thank you @bpforever1. I appreciate you response. My husband and I believe that he may be on the spectrum. There is no emotional connection, especially after having children. I was friends with the other guy for years before the affair. I am seeking out that emotional connection with someone.. companionship. I feel alone and disconnected to my husband. His symptoms worsened after having children 7 years ago and he is not empathetic and obsessively task oriented. He's also physically abusive. I've been trying to get out of my marriage for some time, but don't want to leave him.

[BlueSkyGirl]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I wasn't sure what to contribute at first, but after bpforever1 mentioned perhaps consulting with an another therapist, that was what I decided to second. Your current therapist seems to have a strong opinion in one direction. Not that she isn't necessarily right, but I still think another perspective could be good. If you really like your current therapist, you could ask her if she reminds you temporarily seeking another perspective. Just a thought.

Anyway, it sounds to me that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about this. To my perspective, you showed great restraint. However, if you eventually conclude that your marriage is no longer beneficial, I would suggest a trial separation for that reason first. Not primarily for the sake of further pursuing the affair.

I wonder if your affair has been a result of hypomania or not. It is hard to have insight into that, sometimes.

Thank you @BirdDancer. This is the neutral type of response I was hoping for. (Opposed to being shamed or belittled for my actions). I think a trial separation may be a good idea, but I'm apprehensive because I do love him. We are finding out this week that he is on the autistic spectrum. My marriage is super hard, but now I feel like I can't leave him and want to support him. At the same time, it's hard. There is no emotional connection and I'm not happy. It's hard. Thank you for your support and comment. I do appreciate it.

[divine1966]

Are you safe? You said your husband is physically abusive.

Is he abusive to you or children too? Could you get law enforcement involved? I think having an affair might be even more dangerous under these circumstances as he might become violent over this affair and possibly violent towards your affair partner too.

Is there any way you can take children and leave? Go stay with some family? You might be in danger

[Moose72]

At this point in your affair, you are still in stars-in-the-eyes, everything's-great mode. With your husband, I don't know how long you've been married, but the stars-in-the-eyes stage goes away. Its natural for it to do so. Marriage is hard work sometimes. New relationships are all sunshine and kittens. Before you do something you will regret down the road, stop and really think about what you're doing. You said your husband is abusive, well maybe you aught to divorce him. But don't do it thinking "I can be with my one true love!" because its not going to work out that way. With your husband out of the picture, your new man may very well get scared and run away now that you'd be available.

[Wild Coyote]

Hello BlueSkyGirl,

Welcome to the BP Forum at PC!

I hope you will find the information and the support you may be seeking.

That said, I feel you are quite courageous in sharing your current situation.

It sounds like there is a lot of pain involved and for everyone involved.

The best you can do is to move forward with the very best of intentions for everyone in your family. I don't mean you should have ill intentions for your friend. I think it is possible to have everyone's best interest in mind.

There really is not time to beat yourself up and/or to stall in determining just what is best for you and for your children. You have some major and some very meaningful work to do.

In order to take some time to discern how to move forward with best intentions, it might be helpful to step back from your affair.

If I was in your situation and was gifted with the amount of insight you have right now. I think I would have to stop, completely, and consider everyone involved. I would have to put the welfare of my children first, as they depend upon the adults around them to do what is in their best interest.

You do mention distance from your husband due to "conflict of interest," abuse and emotional distance, if I recall correctly.

I am most concerned about any "abuse." It's healthiest for us to learn how to safely end abuse in our lives. It is critical that your young children do not have any exposure to abuse.

I suggest you first seek some contact with someone trained in abuse in order to get an objective viewpoint on the severity and the type of abuse you are enduring, as well as to assist you in considering your options. I have found that even an anonymous chat with someone trained in abuse can be an eye-opening experience . Some of these organizations can support you and can help you to devise a plan to protect you and your children if you fear for your welfare and safety .

I do not know your location, so I am suggesting:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Get Help | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Online chat available on the site.
Telephone: 1-800-799-7233

The abuse issue needs immediate attention.

I usually think it's critical to see a couple's therapist; however, there is potentially a complication when any abuse is involved. Many therapists will not see anyone being abused, together, with the alleged abuser.*

I would likely then suggest connecting with a therapist on one's own. I see you are already involved with a therapist. I have no reason to think you need a different one, as long as you feel she is truly helping you to work your way through your confusion.

*Sometimes, once the abuse has been thoroughly evaluated and people are completely safe, and after the abuser has completed some form of awareness/educational course on abuse (which often does not change their behaviors for very long, but can do so/can make a difference), some therapists will agree to meet with both parties.

I was shocked when I had first learned more about abuse. I'd first learned when seeing this wheel, years ago:

Abuse Defined | The National Domestic Violence Hotline
(This is the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel)

A brief video explanation of each spoke in the wheel is available here:

Understanding the Power and Control Wheel - Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs

I hope you will be able to reserve your time and your energy to gain support and to sort out how to safely proceed -- as you move toward making some very big decisions about the future of your family. Don't hurry through any of this, beyond making sure everyone is safe.

Many people I talk with so often say they wish they did not rush through their decisions regarding divorce. Some people think a divorce takes place within 6 months, whether or not a couple is ready to move forward with a divorce. This is a myth. Couples can take as long as they need in order to be sure they are making the best move for all concerned.

I am hoping for the highest good for everyone involved.

Love and Prayers for You and Yours ~

[*Beth*]

How the heck did you keep it to "just kissing"?

You have a lot of self control.

[BlueSkyGirl]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you safe? You said your husband is physically abusive.

Is he abusive to you or children too? Could you get law enforcement involved? I think having an affair might be even more dangerous under these circumstances as he might become violent over this affair and possibly violent towards your affair partner too.

Is there any way you can take children and leave? Go stay with some family? You might be in danger

Thank you for your response. Yes, he is physically abusive to everyone, especially my children. He has been better in controlling it. We already had child services at our home.. twice. I did call the police once but decided not to press charges. We’ve been through a lot. Our latest thing is that we are discovering his autism diagnosis. It explains a lot. No one could possibly understand how lonely it is (emotionally) being married to this type of person. His control and anger are manifestations from the illness. I was afraid when I told him about the affair. For my life actually. But I knew I had to tell him, get rid of the affair, and come clean. He’s doing better controlling his aggression, and he’s agreed to medication management. Covid is just delaying everything.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyGirl

Thank you for your response. Yes, he is physically abusive to everyone, especially my children. He has been better in controlling it. We already had child services at our home.. twice. I did call the police once but decided not to press charges. We’ve been through a lot. Our latest thing is that we are discovering his autism diagnosis. It explains a lot. No one could possibly understand how lonely it is (emotionally) being married to this type of person. His control and anger are manifestations from the illness. I was afraid when I told him about the affair. For my life actually. But I knew I had to tell him, get rid of the affair, and come clean. He’s doing better controlling his aggression, and he’s agreed to medication management. Covid is just delaying everything.

Our primary responsibility is to protect our children as they cannot protect themselves.

If he is physically abusive to your young children, you need to call police and child protective services immediately, and you might need take your children and proceed to domestic abuse shelter right now. I see that you already had CPS in your home. Why aren’t you pressing charges? Are you afraid of him?

Call domestic abuse hot line
Get Help | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Please seek help for your children. Is there a family member who could take them for now?

Where are your children when you drink with that man? Are they alone with a physically abusive father? I’d say affair is the least of everyone’s troubles here

Where do you live? We can locate resources for you

[AspiringAuthor]

Hi @BlueSkyGirl!

Your posts evoked a strong emotional response in me for a number of reasons.

First, how I interpret it, you are incredibly lonely and being lonely next to somebody actually feels loneli-ER than being actually alone or a single mom.

Second, you sound naive for the professional position you are in - a person aspiring to be a school principal would be expected to know that the MB inventory is bogus (as has been pointed out before in this thread). But there is another way to interpret those MB/Google results - it is not that they are true (they have no basis in evidence), but your endorsing them means that they tell you what you want to hear. To given you an example, as a teen I would throw a coin when I faced a dilemma. It is not that I did what the coin toss "advised", but I listened to my internal reaction to how the coin landed. That is a perfectly sane way to use all sorts of predictions, divinations, etc. that are not evidence-based (MB not anymore so than coin tossing) but that are tools to get through to how we really feel. So you, at your current stage in life, want to be with the coworker and not with the husband. But going back to your sounding unexpectedly naive - that is endearing and ultimately portrays the same - loneliness and feeling betrayed by the leadership at school who pulled the rug under you and took away the very thing that allowed you to run away from loneliness and problems at home.

Three, you are actually quite correct in labeling the affair at this stage infatuation, but at the same time you mentioned love on more than one occasion. It is too early to speak of love, but infatuation it is.

Four, that you did not go beyond kissing might mean that you are subconsciously holding onto this delightful and adrenaline-rich stage of infatuation - kisses on the brink of more might actually be far more intense than intercourse. So I do not think it is your willpower or "morals" at play - it is your being in love, not with the man, but with the exhilarating that is such a potent antidote to the dread you face at home, with an emotionally distant (or incapable) husband, demanding kids etc. You report feeling that making dinner and putting the kids to sleep feel like work, not joy, so there is - with the job situation after you broke your leg - nothing to bring you job except for that exhiliration.

Five, the husband's reaction - telling the coworker's wife - seems to be in line with his aggressive traits. It is rather scary.

To sum up, as you are affluent and would be able to survive on your own and as your husband seems to endanger your children, the best bet seems to be an amicable, speedy, and decisive divorce. After the dust settles, you might want to reconsider the relationship with the coworker, but by then you might have sobered up and would no longer see him through a happily distorted lens.

Whatever you do, know that your courage in opening up to strangers has not gone unnoticed and nor has your ability to convey the emotional dread of your day-by-day life.

[AspiringAuthor]

Hi @BlueSkyGirl!

Your posts evoked a strong emotional response in me for a number of reasons.

First, how I interpret it, you are incredibly lonely and being lonely next to somebody actually feels loneli-ER than being alone or a single mom.

Second, you sound naive for the professional position you are in - a person aspiring to be a school principal would be expected to know that the MB inventory is bogus (as has been pointed out before in this thread). But there is another way to interpret those MB/Google results - it is not that they are true (they have no basis in evidence), but your endorsing them means that they tell you what you want to hear. To give you an example, as a teen I would throw a coin when I faced a dilemma. It is not that I did what the coin toss "advised", but I listened to my internal reaction to how the coin landed. That is a perfectly sane way to use all sorts of predictions, divinations, etc. that are not evidence-based (MB not any more than coin tossing) but that are tools to get through to how we really feel. So you, at your current stage in life, want to be with the coworker and not with the husband. But going back to your sounding unexpectedly naive - that is endearing and ultimately portrays the same - loneliness and feeling betrayed by the leadership at school who pulled the rug from under you and took away the very thing that allowed you to run away from loneliness and problems at home.

Three, you are actually quite correct in labeling the affair at this stage infatuation, but at the same time you mentioned love on more than one occasion. It is too early to speak of love, but infatuation it is.

Four, that you did not go beyond kissing might mean that you are subconsciously holding onto this delightful and adrenaline-rich stage of infatuation - kisses on the brink of more might actually be far more intense than intercourse. So I do not think it is your willpower or "morals" at play - it is your being in love, not with the man, but with the exhilarating that is such a potent antidote to the dread you face at home, with an emotionally distant (or incapable) husband, demanding kids etc. You report feeling that making dinner and putting the kids to sleep feel like work, not joy, so there is - with the job situation after you broke your leg - nothing to bring you joy except for that exhiliration.

Five, the husband's reaction - telling the coworker's wife - seems to be in line with his aggressive traits. It is rather scary.

To sum up, as you are affluent and would be able to survive on your own and as your husband seems to endanger your children, the best bet seems to be an amicable, speedy, and decisive divorce. After the dust settles, you might want to reconsider the relationship with the coworker, but by then you might have sobered up and would no longer see him through a happily distorted lens.

Whatever you do, know that your courage in opening up to strangers has not gone unnoticed and nor has your ability to convey the emotional dread of your day-by-day life.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @BlueSkyGirl: You say you wanted a neutral response and that you didnt want to be shamed and belittled. Who is doing that to you? I know I am blunt but I am not trying to shame anyone.

-Shame
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
"she was hot with shame"
verb
(of a person, action, or situation) make (someone) feel ashamed.
"I tried to shame him into giving some away"

Shame is generally a self imposed emotion. Do you feel shame due to this situation?

be·lit·tle
verb: belittle; 3rd person present: belittles; past tense: belittled; past participle: belittled; gerund or present participle: belittling
make (someone or something) seem unimportant.
"this is not to belittle his role"

I do not think anyone is belittling you. Its hard when someone posts something so charged. If you do not want to have opposing advice or differing opinions its helpful if you say what you are looking for. I thought you were seriously asking for opinions, I didnt know you only wanted opinions that agreed with yours or that you only wanted positive views. I am not saying this is in fact what you were looking for I am just trying to understand what you are looking for.
Sometimes when we share about something we ourselves feel shame about and ask for advice, we are wishing for someone to back up our prexisting feelings and thoughts about a situation. It can mean that we really do not want to hear from anyone that might say something not in line with our feelings. Believe me I have done that hear before so when I post something that I know might hit a nerve, I add what it is I am looking for-sort of lay out my expectations.
I may feel strongly about your situation but I did not say you were a bad mother or person, or that you were horrible and wrecking everything.
I didnt know about the autism stuff or abuse. What will an autism diagnosis do for you in this situation? In fact maybe the autism stuff DOES explain some things and means that this situation is even more difficult to manage. If it does explain things for you then what are you going to do if he is diagnosed? Suddenly drop this other man and recommit to your marriage?
You say he is abusing you which I didnt know- this is not a symptom of autism. There is no evidence to suggest that autism causes people to be abusive to children or their spouses.

Everything else aside, now there is a new piece of info that changes everything. You have to leave him. You cant tolerate that with your children. This means that ending things with the other man is even more important because now you add a violently explosive, abusive person into the plotline and this is serious.

Only you and the authorities can protect those kids. Leave now. Make a plan, find family, friends or a shelter to go to. Do not tell your husband and do not go to this guys house for safety. I hope your husband does not know where this man lives or how to contact him.

Originally Posted by BlueSkyGirl

Thank you @BirdDancer. This is the neutral type of response I was hoping for. (Opposed to being shamed or belittled for my actions). I think a trial separation may be a good idea, but I'm apprehensive because I do love him. We are finding out this week that he is on the autistic spectrum. My marriage is super hard, but now I feel like I can't leave him and want to support him. At the same time, it's hard. There is no emotional connection and I'm not happy. It's hard. Thank you for your support and comment. I do appreciate it.

[divine1966]

The first post states that you have a GREAT husband. Yet in the course of this thread it’s revealed that he physically abuses you and more so young children and child protective services are involved and visit your home. There is something amiss here. In what way is he great.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyGirl

Thank you for your response. Yes, he is physically abusive to everyone, especially my children. He has been better in controlling it. We already had child services at our home.. twice. I did call the police once but decided not to press charges. We’ve been through a lot. Our latest thing is that we are discovering his autism diagnosis. It explains a lot. No one could possibly understand how lonely it is (emotionally) being married to this type of person. His control and anger are manifestations from the illness. I was afraid when I told him about the affair. For my life actually. But I knew I had to tell him, get rid of the affair, and come clean. He’s doing better controlling his aggression, and he’s agreed to medication management. Covid is just delaying everything.

You definitely describe a lot of chaos.

I am also puzzled as to why your description of your husband has changed drastically from your first post until now?

You describe a very unhealthy home life. This could be very damaging to your children. If your husband is away while working a lot of overtime, who is with the children when you are out investing in another relationship?

Why would a mother of young children keep her children in an abusive home life? Additionally, why would a mother of young children pursue yet another romantic relationship when there's a huge mess right in front of her that needs to be addressed?

Why would a woman who is deathly afraid of her husband's temper/abusive nature tell him about her affair when neither she nor her children are protected?

I agree, something is awry.

You can deem this some kind of a judgement of you if it helps you to escape your responsibilities to your children. I see it as more of a wake-up call.

From what you have told us, I simply must say:

You have a responsibility to protect your children.

It appears as though your judgement is impaired. This can occur for a number of reasons. The exact reasons can be sorted out later on. It's extremely important you make sure that you and your children are safe.

If your home life is as you have described, get help. Protect your children. Now.

Love and Prayers

[divine1966]

I’d call your doctor’s office. Even during pandemics you should be able to reach someone and possibly talk on the phone or have telemedicine session with your psychiatrist. Impaired judgment could be caused by medications that perhaps need to be adjusted/doses tweaked/medications managed differently etc In addition I’d ask your doctor how those four meds interact with alcohol you consume.

I dated someone who was on anti depressants and when he mixed it with alcohol his judgement and decision making would be completely impaired. You are on four different meds, I worry that something is going wrong here and maybe meds don’t interact with each correctly and you really need help (beyond therapy).

I say it with the best intentions of helping you and the kids to get out of potentially dangerous and chaotic situations

[BlueSkyGirl]

Thank you for everyone’s response.

As far as abuse goes, he has not done it in a long time, and when he does he does not leave marks. It’s more pushing, or holding me down and screaming in my face, that kind of thing. Just because he doesn’t leave marks doesn’t make it okay, hence why I categorize it as abuse. It’s a control issue.

Another thing that needs to be clarified. I’m no longer with the other guy. The other guy was filling an emotional void for me. We were work friends, very good friends, for years before things got physical. But he’s gone. He’s been gone for close to a month. I have no intention of reconciling. This post wasn’t me trying to figure out if I should leave my husband for this other man. It was a post to see if I should leave my husband period. I’m confused, yes. Naive, yes. (Thank you for the poster that pointed that out several times ((not))). He has control issues. And anger issues. But I’m so scared of divorce. Just terrified. No one is perfect. My husband has issues, but so do I, and so do you. The question is our marriage salvageable? How can I be sure? If it’s not, will I be doomed in the future in other relationships? My BP disorder makes me very moody and sometimes low energy at home (I use all my energy at work).

Also, please be empathetic if you can. My emotional state is quite fragile lately. Thank you all for your continued support.

[fern46]

Hi BlueSkyGirl. Welcome to PC. I can tell you're hurting and confused and I know it is difficult to be in such a place. I also know how it feels when you're going through a tough place mentally and emotionally and you also need to be a parent at the same time. That can be overwhelming. I also have experience with abuse. All of that combined is a lot to deal with.

You've mentioned a void several times. I don't really find it important to weigh in on how you've attempted to fill it in the past other than to say the solution turned out to be impermanent each time. If it were me, I'd take a step back and work with these feelings of emptiness for a while.

We are all whole and complete just as we are. Feelings of a state of void are a perception. They come in phases and they are a natural occurrence. Everyone has been there and will periodically be there. It is a necessary part of growth like the winter that gives way to spring. Winter offers a valuable opportunity to rest and let go of the past.

So, I'd spend time with the feelings and determine why there is a fear of being alone. That fear will move with you wherever you go until you address it. If you are able to find happiness in your marriage, it will not come without filling this void for yourself.

Try not to think of it as a dark and scary place. Perhaps consider it as a cocoon that allows you to rest, let go of the pieces of yourself that aren't working and then emerge when you're ready. You need time to figure out how to be complete on your own and then you can match that with someone else. The goal is to be with someone who compliments your features, not someone who fills in holes. Someone who challenges you and expands you, not someone who leaves you empty when things aren't working. You need to determine what you wish to be on your own regardless of the people around you.

Additionally, I think family therapy may be worth looking into. Perhaps couples therapy and then maybe sessions with the kids depending on their experiences with the abuse. This may take a while because it can be challenging to find the right therapist. Just feel it out and work with someone you and your husband feel compliments your own instincts and intuition about what you need to address.

You're right, abuse is negative in all its forms. We allow for abuse for various reasons and we in turn abuse others in various forms. It is a powerful learning experience. If you widen your perspective, you may see how some of your own behaviors have abused your husband's trust, heart and mind. The roles are fluid and it is important to understand what attracts us to those experiences so that we can see our patterns, forgive ourselves and find ways to generate better experiences.

I think it is also important to have a plan to address the mood swings. They can cloud our judgment and our perception of our state and abilities. There are lots of ways to do this and only you can decide the right route to take. The goal becomes finding ways to be honest with ourselves or finding people we can trust to offer insight when we cannot see correctly. At least for me, I was unable to properly determine what steps I needed to take to reshape my life until I was in a more balanced place. At that point I was able to better assess myself and develop a strategy to move forward.

It feels as though some perspectives here have felt offensive. I know that's uncomfortable. I do not intend to offend you. Anything that triggered you probably holds a clue to an area worth digging into on your own. Try not to take it too personally. Individuals here are working with a tiny subset of information about your story and are sometimes coming from a place of experience, pain and wisdom from their own lives. Perhaps just try to look at why you were triggered and see how it relates to any feelings you have of fear, judgment, or any of those voids you feel. I wish you all the best.

[divine1966]

If he is known to be abusive and is aggressive, I’d probably remove your picture from the avatar. People find other people on here all the time. You might want to protect yourself

[BlueSkyGirl]

Originally Posted by fern46

Hi BlueSkyGirl. Welcome to PC. I can tell you're hurting and confused and I know it is difficult to be in such a place. I also know how it feels when you're going through a tough place mentally and emotionally and you also need to be a parent at the same time. That can be overwhelming. I also have experience with abuse. All of that combined is a lot to deal with.

You've mentioned a void several times. I don't really find it important to weigh in on how you've attempted to fill it in the past other than to say the solution turned out to be impermanent each time. If it were me, I'd take a step back and work with these feelings of emptiness for a while.

We are all whole and complete just as we are. Feelings of a state of void are a perception. They come in phases and they are a natural occurrence. Everyone has been there and will periodically be there. It is a necessary part of growth like the winter that gives way to spring. Winter offers a valuable opportunity to rest and let go of the past.

So, I'd spend time with the feelings and determine why there is a fear of being alone. That fear will move with you wherever you go until you address it. If you are able to find happiness in your marriage, it will not come without filling this void for yourself.

Try not to think of it as a dark and scary place. Perhaps consider it as a cocoon that allows you to rest, let go of the pieces of yourself that aren't working and then emerge when you're ready. You need time to figure out how to be complete on your own and then you can match that with someone else. The goal is to be with someone who compliments your features, not someone who fills in holes. Someone who challenges you and expands you, not someone who leaves you empty when things aren't working. You need to determine what you wish to be on your own regardless of the people around you.

Additionally, I think family therapy may be worth looking into. Perhaps couples therapy and then maybe sessions with the kids depending on their experiences with the abuse. This may take a while because it can be challenging to find the right therapist. Just feel it out and work with someone you and your husband feel compliments your own instincts and intuition about what you need to address.

You're right, abuse is negative in all its forms. We allow for abuse for various reasons and we in turn abuse others in various forms. It is a powerful learning experience. If you widen your perspective, you may see how some of your own behaviors have abused your husband's trust, heart and mind. The roles are fluid and it is important to understand what attracts us to those experiences so that we can see our patterns, forgive ourselves and find ways to generate better experiences.

I think it is also important to have a plan to address the mood swings. They can cloud our judgment and our perception of our state and abilities. There are lots of ways to do this and only you can decide the right route to take. The goal becomes finding ways to be honest with ourselves or finding people we can trust to offer insight when we cannot see correctly. At least for me, I was unable to properly determine what steps I needed to take to reshape my life until I was in a more balanced place. At that point I was able to better assess myself and develop a strategy to move forward.

It feels as though some perspectives here have felt offensive. I know that's uncomfortable. I do not intend to offend you. Anything that triggered you probably holds a clue to an area worth digging into on your own. Try not to take it too personally. Individuals here are working with a tiny subset of information about your story and are sometimes coming from a place of experience, pain and wisdom from their own lives. Perhaps just try to look at why you were triggered and see how it relates to any feelings you have of fear, judgment, or any of those voids you feel. I wish you all the best.

Wow thank you for your insightful perspective. I feel a void not when I’m alone, but when I’m with him. He is going through a new autism diagnosis and I believe that is the reason why I feel so alone even when he is around. There is no connection. I don’t feel valued or heard or seen. Our life revolves around his obsession with being productive and centered around tasks, something that I struggle with due to my illness. I try to keep up, but I’ll never be what he wants. As a result of my perceived laziness, he gets very angry. He’s angry every day all the time when tasks do not meet his standards. The kids cause him a lot of stress and he gets mad at them more than me and I wish I was strong enough to prevent these outbursts. We have couples counseling tomorrow to discuss possibly a trial separation to get our bearings and to heal. I feel controlled and micromanaged and never good enough. I’m sure the kids feel the same way. I really like your idea of family therapy. Thank you for planting the seed for that.

[BlueSkyGirl]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he is known to be abusive and is aggressive, I’d probably remove your picture from the avatar. People find other people on here all the time. You might want to protect yourself

Thank you for your concern. I’m not worried about him finding this site. He’s more controlling and aggressive about being productive in the house and less about a site like this. He wouldn’t have a problem with me reaching out and I have nothing to hide.