[downersgoup]

Hi all.

I recently received an official diagnosis of Bipolar I, and I was prescribed Lamotrigine and Seroquel. I'm not sure if this will resonate with anyone here, but I haven't really been aware of my manic episodes until the last few months because I've been consciously keeping track of my moods. Is it normal to all of a sudden notice it? There's a voice in the back of my mind telling me I'm faking it, even though I experience such real symptoms that inhibit me so intensely.

Yesterday I was shoved by a stranger who was experiencing some form of psychotic break himself. He yelled, shoved, and tried to start something with me, and aside from yelling and cussing him out, I walked away without engaging in any kind of physical altercation. Fast-forward to later that evening, I suddenly burst into tears due to all kinds of trauma surrounding not being able to stand up for myself and not feeling safe as a child due to factors I won't get into at the moment. But then, I was suddenly filled with this rush of energy. I stayed up all night writing diatribes against the Catholic church on social media, and I found myself rereading the same paragraphs I had written, over and over again, my voice sorta shaky because my heart was racing so much. Then, I finally zonked myself out with some NyQuil because I knew I had to sleep. Slept for a couple hours, and then I got up and just continued to write and post things on social media, feeling really tired and burnt out but also high on that nervous energy. I was eventually able to sleep for a couple more hours, but now I've woken up and I feel so much guilt for having asserted myself, and man, it has just been a real rollercoaster these past 48 hours.

Maybe this all sounds familiar to some of you. I dunno why I'm on here, except that I just really want to hear from others who aren't gonna think I'm crazy, or too much. I'm scared to take the Seroquel my psych prescribed me, because I'm scared of the side-effects, but I've essentially already lost a day and a half to this episode. Ordinarily I would just smoke a ton of weed, but I've given that up in hopes of increasing the efficacy of my mood stabilizer, which hasn't even been titrated up to the full dose yet. Sorry about the scattered nature of my thoughts; it's hard to think super clearly at the moment.

Hope you're all having a good day.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by downersgoup

Hi all.

I recently received an official diagnosis of Bipolar I, and I was prescribed Lamotrigine and Seroquel. I'm not sure if this will resonate with anyone here, but I haven't really been aware of my manic episodes until the last few months because I've been consciously keeping track of my moods. Is it normal to all of a sudden notice it? There's a voice in the back of my mind telling me I'm faking it, even though I experience such real symptoms that inhibit me so intensely.

Yesterday I was shoved by a stranger who was experiencing some form of psychotic break himself. He yelled, shoved, and tried to start something with me, and aside from yelling and cussing him out, I walked away without engaging in any kind of physical altercation. Fast-forward to later that evening, I suddenly burst into tears due to all kinds of trauma surrounding not being able to stand up for myself and not feeling safe as a child due to factors I won't get into at the moment. But then, I was suddenly filled with this rush of energy. I stayed up all night writing diatribes against the Catholic church on social media, and I found myself rereading the same paragraphs I had written, over and over again, my voice sorta shaky because my heart was racing so much. Then, I finally zonked myself out with some NyQuil because I knew I had to sleep. Slept for a couple hours, and then I got up and just continued to write and post things on social media, feeling really tired and burnt out but also high on that nervous energy. I was eventually able to sleep for a couple more hours, but now I've woken up and I feel so much guilt for having asserted myself, and man, it has just been a real rollercoaster these past 48 hours.

Maybe this all sounds familiar to some of you. I dunno why I'm on here, except that I just really want to hear from others who aren't gonna think I'm crazy, or too much. I'm scared to take the Seroquel my psych prescribed me, because I'm scared of the side-effects, but I've essentially already lost a day and a half to this episode. Ordinarily I would just smoke a ton of weed, but I've given that up in hopes of increasing the efficacy of my mood stabilizer, which hasn't even been titrated up to the full dose yet. Sorry about the scattered nature of my thoughts; it's hard to think super clearly at the moment.

Hope you're all having a good day.

Hey, downers, welcome. You will find alot of support here, I expect.

So, I am 56 now, childhood-onset bp 1, but not diagnosed officially until I was 41. Decades without a mood stabilizer of any sort. What you are describing all sounds very familiar to me and will to others here as well. Exactly how to categorize it, I am not totally sure at this point. But based on what you have written, it does sound like at the very least some pretty significant hypomania/possibly frank mania, depending on the rest of the story, maybe going on. Also wondering a little about maybe even some mixed features possibly. But, this is all probably confounded a lot by your trauma, which can have a huge mood and stability and fear/paranoia/even psychosis, sometimes, impact. I have badass PTSD and super badass bp 1 and I sometimes cannot tell you which one is the most meaningful and immediate culprit. Sorta hard to tease that all out.

But I really wouldn't even worry about all that. The main thing is to get you feeling better and more stable. To that end, I myself would definitely take that Seroquel, even though I do not personally like that drug much. But I have been on it and it does work for a lot of folks. Being on it until this calms down is not going to give you metabolic syndrome. You can always switch to something with a better safery profile, like Abilify, say, down the road.

Sending you strength and support. Hang in there.

One more thing. Most of us here who have been dealing with this for awhile have a few disasters in our pasts from texting/emailing/screaming/calling/confronting--whatever. From high-energy interactions with others that seemed perfectly sensible at the time, but that later, we realized we were horrified by. So, be super careful about the texting, etc. until things calm down a bit. Ditto shopping. Ditto driving. As I have said before, it took me all of about maybe 45 seconds or so to completely destroy a successful career, family, and pretty much my entire life. It is much better not to have to do that. Be careful.

Welcome downersgroup! I'm really glad you joined us here on PC's bipolar forum.

What you wrote absolutely resonates with me, and as bpcyclist wrote, I'm sure it does to many others, as well. Though I had some mighty severe episodes in my youth, I had no real clue what was happening to me then. Frankly, I almost regarded them as sorts of "brain flus", if that makes any sense. I didn't even accept my bipolar disorder diagnosis when I finally received it, officially, at age 32. I acknowledged depression and anxiety, but the hypomanias and manias I had, during my youth, I looked at as the "amazingly adventurous creative me", "justified frustrated or angry behavior", "young lady with joie de vivre and endless energy", and the like. It was only when I reached 34 and had my first hospitalization that I was more clued in to my mania as dysfunctional. An illness.

My ill mind, even after a point finally acknowledging mania, was able to still question it, or at least believe I could handle it on my own. That sometimes led to me quitting medications cold turkey (bad decisions). Was the whole "mania" I experienced just Oscar winning performances of an amazing actress? No. Thinking back carefully, after some time processing and accepting my illness, I realized such episodes were, indeed, dysfunctional behavior. The reactions I received from other people were justified, in most cases. My wildest behavior was not "normal". There were, indeed, many "Oh my! I was sick back then!" moments. Some realizations even made me grieve.

What you are doing with your mood charting is extremely helpful! Please keep that up and share all observations with your therapist and/or psychiatrist. It can help you better discover yourself, beyond bipolar illness, and help them treat you effectively. Back to grief, it's also important to know we can be adventurous, creative, and outgoing when not manic. Mania and depression do not define us. It's the knowing/learning of what the limits are that is so important. That insight helps to nip developing episodes in the bud, but not totally medicate ourselves away. It takes a while to learn these things. Patience is needed.

Different people do have different experiences with the same medication. We don't all get many (or sometimes even any) of the side effects listed. It's common to be scared away from a given medication because of horror stories from others, some of which are justified. Unfortunately, those who have positive experiences often say little. I love my Seroquel XR. It does more for me than any other single bipolar medication (moodstabilizer or antipsychotic). I do likely have some minor side effects from it, including heightened cholesterol, and sometimes higher triglycerides than I'd like, but no other significant ones. Proper eating and exercise would likely ease my metabolic issues. Those healthy habits are ones I need to develop more. My Seroquel XR is relatively weight neutral for me. It did give me a lot of sedation in the beginning, but over time that sedation eased. You won't know how it will affect you unless you try it, and give it a fair chance. You can't imagine how often medications are abandoned after only a week, only to be discovered, years later, as a best medication in the lot.

[swimmingly]

I just wanted to say, "Welcome home, friend." You've found a safe, great place to ask questions. I can't answer this question any better than bpcyclist or BirdDancer can. They've got you covered.

[Fuzzybear]

Hey downers, welcome

Good post from bpcyclist. I hope you find pc helpful and supportive, I think you will.

Hugs and respect

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Hey, downers, welcome. You will find alot of support here, I expect.

So, I am 56 now, childhood-onset bp 1, but not diagnosed officially until I was 41. Decades without a mood stabilizer of any sort. What you are describing all sounds very familiar to me and will to others here as well. Exactly how to categorize it, I am not totally sure at this point. But based on what you have written, it does sound like at the very least some pretty significant hypomania/possibly frank mania, depending on the rest of the story, maybe going on. Also wondering a little about maybe even some mixed features possibly. But, this is all probably confounded a lot by your trauma, which can have a huge mood and stability and fear/paranoia/even psychosis, sometimes, impact. I have badass PTSD and super badass bp 1 and I sometimes cannot tell you which one is the most meaningful and immediate culprit. Sorta hard to tease that all out.

But I really wouldn't even worry about all that. The main thing is to get you feeling better and more stable. To that end, I myself would definitely take that Seroquel, even though I do not personally like that drug much. But I have been on it and it does work for a lot of folks. Being on it until this calms down is not going to give you metabolic syndrome. You can always switch to something with a better safery profile, like Abilify, say, down the road.

Sending you strength and support. Hang in there.

One more thing. Most of us here who have been dealing with this for awhile have a few disasters in our pasts from texting/emailing/screaming/calling/confronting--whatever. From high-energy interactions with others that seemed perfectly sensible at the time, but that later, we realized we were horrified by. So, be super careful about the texting, etc. until things calm down a bit. Ditto shopping. Ditto driving. As I have said before, it took me all of about maybe 45 seconds or so to completely destroy a successful career, family, and pretty much my entire life. It is much better not to have to do that. Be careful.

[downersgoup]

Wow, thank you so much for all the love and the replies. I'm feeling better this morning, having gotten a couple good nights of sleep under my belt from taking Seroquel before bed. I'm still titrating up on Lamictal at the moment; will be going up to 100mg the day after tomorrow. Again, thank you so so much. I'm really grateful to have found this forum!