Bipolar check-in #48

@Moose72: I am so happy to hear that your mom says you look better than before! Keep up the awesome work! Did you manage to sneak a walk in today?

What a day! I wanted to go biking with my dad today, but I lost the conical springs for my bike's front wheel axle. (Without these springs, the wheel can literally fall off as you're riding!) So, I had to drive to the bike shop at the last minute to buy some replacement springs. I talked to one of the associates and they said the shop gives them for FREE (assuming if you ask nicely). I was so happy! I was going to pay them for two sets of springs I asked for, but they were like, "nah, it's our treat."

Anyway, when I finally went riding with my dad, I ended up getting passed by a kid (who I guess was maybe 16 years old?) with a prosthetic leg! I was so amazed and impressed. The kid used his prosthetic leg to balance the left side of his body while he pedaled with his right leg. Damn, if that isn't some serious motivation, then I don't know what is. It was incredible.

Lately, I've been coming up with excuses not to do things or to push them off... but damn, if that kid could ride his bike with one leg faster uphill than I can with two legs, then I sure as hell can get off my lazy bum and actually go for a ride more often.

Doc upped my clozapine dosage from 200mg to 300mg.

Gonna drop off the new script tonight

Yeah--walk?

Inspiring tale!!!!!

I guess for me it gors back to the old Nike stuff: Just do It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had insomnia last night until 4:30 a.m. so when my alarm went off at 6 I wasn't ready to get up. So yeah I slept through my walk time. I have to go at 6 because it is still cool out then and yet light out. We will see how tonight goes.

My depression is more intense today. The stats from last week's Scrabble club came out and i lost 40 rating points which is a lot. I feel really down and helpless and weak like there is no energy in my cells. I didn't play Scrabble today and hope to take a break which i hope will be permanent. There's nothing i have to replace Scrabble tho. But i seemed to enjoy sitting quietly outside today for hours so maybe that's okay. I've quit Scrabble a bunch of times tho and it's possible this is just the depression talking. Quitting to do nothing, just sit quietly, doesn't seem like a solution. But getting gutted by playing is not appealing either. I guess i'm just too tired for it at this point. Sitting quietly doing nothing seems better. At least i'm enjoying nature. I feel like i'm a hundred years old.

I would get in touch with my doctor for a med change but my depression is treatment-resistant. I've tried Prozac, Parnate, Manerix, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, etc. Others, but those are the ones i remember. Ketamine is only available here as a participant in a clinical trial which would require getting back in bed with the psychiatric establishment which i will not do.

I talked to my neighbor about my unhappiness with Scrabble. It wasn't satisfying but she did make an effort.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Well they really piss me off because they always show a Woman NOT a man, Yes women generally seek out treatment before a man will , But I wish they would show that med also have Bipolar..

I'm anxious tonight. I've had a toothache for a while because when I had a root canal about 10 years ago it wasn't done properly and I have an abscess where the stuff the fills the roots should be.

I was supposed to have a root canal to try to fix it in 2 weeks but they called today and got me in tomorrow. I'm really nervous. Not necessarily about the procedure but because he said this may be too hard to dig out (or whatever they do) and so it may have to be surgery. I don't want surgery.....

I am praying for just a repair of the root canal. I didn't ask questions about surgery and now I"m scared of it with no time to ask until tomorrow.

Oh well. It will be what it will be.

Sorry, Moose--maybe little teensy nap.

Cymbalta, lithium, Emsam, Latuda a thought. So sorry. How bad is it, scale of 1 to 10?

Mfrs. Know that in the US, women make the overwhelming majority of healthcare decisions.

Best of luck, Rainbow.

Thanks

I kinda fell off the planet. My T called because I have had no appointments with her for a while. I'm quiet, not as confused, still filled with regret buying stuff, Still buying stuff. I'm trying to be proactive. working in my kids book and coloring. H wants me coloring digitally but being away from the distraction of the computer is good for me. I'd like to pick up drawing. I'm decent at coloring but I'm going to take a class on it anyway. I'm going to make a little art school at home for myself I think. First pencils, then possibly markers after I learn to draw. I need to do something with my hands so I don't just Zone out.... for days.

There was one with a man. He's standing at a dock with his family when he falls into a boat that careens down the river. But I've only seen it a couple of times compared to the many many bipolar ads with women. Yeah I hate those ads, they don't trigger me they make me mad.

Small pandemic victory....

We like Bounty paper towels. We've been trying to get them for 2 months or so without any luck.

Tonight I finally got a pack! I wish I could see my mom's face when she gets that message as this is truly a victory. We've been happy with another brand but she's really a Bounty brand loyalist.

Now if I could just sleep...

3 AM straight-up and nary a winksie. Albert very happily on my lap, as I do some research for my book on the insanity defense in the EU. Not surprisingly, things are very different over there. In the US now, four states have completely abolished the insanity defense, Idaho, Kansas, Montana, and Utah. I guess, don't live there if you have bp 1. or something. If you get manic and steal a Coke, they will probably hang you.

The more I read about all this, the more clear it becomes that even here, where we started the first Psyciatric Security Review Board in the nation to follow those who assert the insanity defense, still, the system does not really know what it actually wants to be. It wants to do old testament style punishment, mostly, in typical US fashion. But it also, in some states, does make an often weak and lame-***** attempt to pathetically and disingenuously acknowledge that people in the throes of florid psychosis, say, simply cannot carry out the moral decision-making process in a normal fashion. But it is more window dressing than anything else.

Anyhoo, what I am getting at is that most of these states really, mostly only do lip service to the idea that someone 'insane' at the time of their offense should not be punished as a result. Mostly, what we have here is,, sure, you might be able to get an insanity verdict, but you are still going to be punished like you pled guilty. So, in the end, it realy does not offer much, if any, benefit.

Maybe a nap later.

Hugs and love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I fell asleep not long after 7 pm last night, but then understandably woke up at 3 am, then slept a bit more, then stayed awake after a 5 am wake up. The last time I actually talked to my psychiatrist was a month ago. Then, he had allowed me to remove the little dose of Seroquel XR that I take in the morning, and just keep the much bigger evening dose. I had since added the morning dose back, but am now thinking of removing it again given my recent early bedtimes. I guess he wouldn't mind. I won't bother him during his vacation about this piddly thing. If my mood escalates again, I'll just add the sucker back again.

I hear that my husband is finally shaving his face. Thank goodness! It's been like kissing a hedgehog, recently.

Since the appointment for my father at a neurologist had to be cancelled yet again, tomorrow all I'll have on my schedule is a 5:30 pm hair appointment. Yay! Finally! I'm going to have the works done to it. Of course I'll have to wear a mask, and I know my hair stylist will, too. I wonder if she'll also have some kind of plastic shield. I know that my sister-in-law in Czech Republic, and my husband's friend who went there and had a cut, said theirs wore shields with masks. My salon can't offer other services yet (i.e. eyebrow waxing, massages, facials).

Czech Republic had a comparatively mild and short-lived struggle with covid-19, because of strict rules. Altogether, since it started, they've only had 12,566 cases. Yesterday, they only had a total of 51 new cases. Czech Republic is about the size of the US state of South Carolina that has had 46,280 total cases to date, and yesterday had 1,533 new cases and SC's cases have been heading upwards. [My state of NJ had 209 new cases yesterday, leveled off after a huge decline in cases.] My husband's nephew in Czech Republic felt so sorry for us that he sent us masks. To anyone that thinks that wearing masks takes away freedom, I'd like to say that not wearing masks takes away freedom AND also takes away lives.

Someone here may remember my appall a few weeks ago at what I saw in a PA town near my childhood NJ town. Well, PA covid-19 cases are heading upwards again. Perhaps that tourism bureau for that PA area might now think my letter a little less annoying. Or, maybe they still don't give a damn.

Perhaps a nap...

You are an expert in managing your blips. Piecea pie for you.

I think we should abolish the seat belt law, The FAA, the NTSB, and the FDA. They are just more big government.